Chapter 17-

James：

The next week goes by smoothly and I’m happy Ember and I are getting along so well, every day we grow a little closer. We have settled into a comfortable rhythm. We take a lot of walks and I find out little things about her, like she loves to garden. When I work in my office, she usually sits with me reading or sketching quietly I enjoy that we share comfortable silence. Ember is an amazing cook and it’s nice to share our morning and afternoon meal here together.
The pack has been eating dinner every night together in the lodge to help the women socialize and not feel trapped in their homes. It was Ember’s idea and so far, all of the couples seem to be happy and thriving. When things settle down, we might do all the meals in our own homes except for special occasions but who knows everyone seems to like it so much we might keep doing it. She gets along well with all the pack members male and female and has been a huge support during the transition we as a whole have been going through. Ember comes with me to visit all the new couples and has helped the women feel comfortable and heard.
She even surprised me by telling me she wants to head up building a school. Knowing that she is invested in the packs future and believes in us rebuilding makes me only love and value her more. She makes love to me freely and I feel our connection solidifying, she has even shared things about her family and past with me. The thing that brings me pain and continues to drive its wedge between us is her sneaking downstairs and outside to cry when she thinks I’m sleeping. I wish I could pretend I don’t know why. The tears without fail follow the howling. I keep hoping that she will talk to me about it, but I think she feels guilty over her feelings.
I hate that I’m her second choice but I’m hoping with time that will change. I haven’t seen much of my brother since our last discussion and he makes sure anytime Ember or I are near to immediately leave. He has been taking extra watch duties to stay away from the lodge during dinners. I hate this distance between us, but I also refuse to give up my claim on Ember. I just keep hoping time will bring us close again.
Ember:
I am starting to feel comfortable in James’s arms at night. There is a part of myself that I hate deeply for giving in and just letting things take their natural course. I know James loves me and now that I’m getting to know him better, I see that he is a good man and I do have strong feelings for him.

He has so much responsibility on his shoulders and has so many dreams for the future of his pack. I am so happy that he wants me to be part of the planning for our pack’s future. When he listens to me and includes me in decision making, I feel seen and treasured. I no longer feel the constraints of being a woman, here I am seen as an equal someone with something important to contribute other than what’s between my legs. James really does see me and treat me like his queen, and it makes me care and respect him so much in return. Watching his face light up as we talked about building the school and me teaching felt like I could grow to love him, hell maybe I am even starting to fall for him.
I just can’t get Lucas out of my heart. I have only seen him from afar a few times and our last encounter was at a pack meeting yesterday. Seeing him and Ava walk in together and then leave together almost broke me. They look like they belong together, and she beamed under his attention. I know I have no right to feel the intense burn in my chest when I think of them as a couple, but I do. Thinking of them sharing all that James and I do makes me feel murderous and I then guilt because I love Ava, basically I’m a horrible person who can’t keep my hormones or emotions under control. The longing hasn’t gone away or died down; I think there is a part of me that will love Lucas for my whole life, want him for my whole life. Hearing his pain filled howls at night haunts me so deeply. I leave James’s bed when it feels like I can’t take another breath without sobbing. I know its not fair to him, so I cry outside always a little piece of me hoping that Lucas knows that I return his longing and his pain.
I think I’ll go visit Ava and check on her, it’s not fair for me to continue to ignore her just because I’m a jealous cow. James and I have been visiting with all the other couples, but we haven’t gone to see Ava or Lucas it didn’t seem like a good idea. Above all I want her happiness and want to feel close to her again. I want to make sure she’s okay, most of the women have transitioned so well and are finding their footing but Ava is so young and was so fearful. The only comfort I feel with her sharing Lucas’s home is that I know he will take care of her and be gentle.
James and I have a quiet breakfast together and then he tells me he has a meeting with the elders and his council which includes Lucas to discuss pack business. Before James leaves, he pulls me into him and kisses me sweetly. “You’ve made me so happy Ember, happier than I thought I ever could be again. I’ll be home before dark, I love you.” I want to say it back, I know my feelings for him have changed but I just can’t bring myself to tell him when my heart is still longing for his brother. I do kiss him and rub my hands up and down his back under his shirt like I know he likes. “I’ll see you this evening.”
After James leaves, I clean up and head over to Ava’s house…well I guess Ava and Lucas’s house. I know he’ll be in a meeting with James, so this is a good opportunity to catch up with Ava and bridge the distance that has been growing between us. There is a lump in my throat as I walk up to their cabin, I hate the thoughts that jump into my mind. What would it be like to live here? Is he happy with Ava? Does he touch her in this house? Make love to her? I shake my head attempting to clear the thoughts and I step up to the door when it opens before I have the chance to knock.
“Lucas...”
My heart is beating out my chest and my eyes begin to sting with unshed tears. Seeing him up close takes my breath away I know we can’t avoid each other forever but having him in front of me and so close that I could touch him brings all of the feelings up to the surface. I want to jump into his arms, kiss him and tell him how much I have missed him. Our conversations, the connection I feel to him, how safe I feel in his arms. The gentile kindness that flows through him and he fierce protectiveness. I miss his hands exploring my body and the way his touch ignited my core.
When his eyes met mine, I realized I had been standing on this doorstep without saying anything. “Lucas I’m…I’m sorry to barge in on you. I came to see Ava. I wanted to make sure she was okay.” “You think I would harm her? I would never hurt you and hurting Ava would do that.” Before I realize what I’m doing I close our distance and place my hands on his chest and cup his strong jaw running my finger along the smooth scarred skin. Lucas draws me to him wrapping me in his strong safe arms and running his nose along my neck inhaling my scent and making shivers run through my body. We stand there just breathing each other in. I feel whole in his embrace; treasured. “I’ve missed you Ember. I can’t get you out of my mind and I’m going crazy not being able to touch you or see you. I love you so much.” Lucas’s hot mouth is on my own with his hands stroking my arms and back. My hands get tangled in his hair and my blood starts boiling. I am still just as in love with him as I was before. Lucas hears a noise and breaks away from my mouth resting his forehead on mine.
“Ember I have to see you again. We need to talk and figure out what were going to do. I can’t give you up, even to the person I love most in this world. I have to go to a meeting but please meet with me later.” I see the desperation in his eyes, and I can’t deny him. I don’t want to stay away anymore. “When?” Comes out as almost a whisper. “Tonight, after my brother goes to bed, I’ll meet you outside his house in the garden.” His lips are on mine again this time softer like he’s savoring this moment and I know I am too. I know I should say no and that this is a betrayal of the man I am starting to love, a man I do respect but instead I nod my head and say yes into Lucas’s mouth. He holds my face in his hands and says “tonight.” After that he leaves, I’m assuming to the meeting with James. I walk back to my house in a daze oblivious that our interaction did not go unnoticed.