Chapter 32-

I have had the same dream every night for the last week. We are standing on a battlefield and a bright white light shines in front of me, temporarily blinding me. Out of that light steps a beautiful red wolf with both a blue and black eye. There is a man beside the wolf, but I can’t make out any of his features. Before I wake up, I always hear a voice whispering to me. “I heard your prayers.” I startle awake just like I do every morning. Lucas is sound asleep beside me, he needs the rest he was up with our little princess late last night. I go to the nursery to feed my sweet Oriel, James is rocking her and humming a little song. He has been so strong, and I am amazed by his ability to keep moving forward and that he isn’t letting himself be consumed by the darkness that has clouded us. He has taken to Oriel just as much as Lucas has. I was afraid at first that his grief would keep him away from our daughter, but he has done the opposite and lavished her with love. They are both her dad, and she is so cherished already, which is good because she has been almost inconsolable. She eats well but only stops crying to eat and sleep. The transition home has been stressful for all of us. It’s like she knows someone important is missing. I had Lucas take the third crib out of the nursery, it was too painful to come in here and see what should have been. I carry Kiran with me in my heart and am slowly coming out of the darkness that felt like it swallowed me whole. I don’t think there will ever be a time in my life that I don’t think about him or don’t feel the loss of him but knowing that his sister carries part of him inside her helps. I know it sounds absurd but with my dreams and what happened when Kiran passed, I think the moon goddess is letting me keep part of him inside of Oriel. She has one of his eyes and a streaks of light blonde hair mixed in with her vivid red. I now see both of my babies in her. I know she has a big future ahead of her and I will do anything to keep her safe along the way. “Good morning mommy.” Lucas trades spots with me so that I can rock and nurse our daughter. “I love that title, daddy.” Lucas groans and I see his erection swell in his sleep pants. “Don’t get me worked up queenie. It’s going to be a long six weeks before I can be inside you again. No teasing. I’ll start some breakfast while you feed little firecracker here.” I give my man a kiss and settle in with my baby. I know I need to be strong for her and my men.
“Welcome home my love.” I kiss Lucas as he comes in for lunch. “Where is my princess?” Lucas asks as he looks around the kitchen. “She’s upstairs taking a much-needed nap with James.” “Oh, good I’m glad they’re getting some rest. Our little firecracker was not a happy camper last night.” “She usually isn’t. I know babies cry but I hate to think she is miserable. If she’s not being held or fed, she’s screaming and most of the time she is crying even when we are holding her. It breaks my heart.” I push away the tears that I can’t hold back anymore. “Come here my heart. You are an amazing mother and we have had so much to deal with. Babies are smart and feel what we do. It will get better with time, be patient my love and relish in our healthy little girl.” “You’re right. Thank you. Sometimes I need to be yanked back into a happy place.” Lucas holds me to his chest, and I relax in his comforting arms. “I’ll always be here to bring you back from darkness. Lean on me anytime you need little phoenix.” I feel James’s strong chest at my back and reach behind me to grab his hand. “Mmmm am I interrupting anything?” James kisses my neck and I take comfort in our little huddle. “Not anything too exciting I’m sad to say but I’m glad you’re down here now I have some news.”

I feed Oriel and Lucas walks me to the clinic. I can’t shake the nervousness that is consuming me, I knew Ava would give birth any day but with our tragic loss I didn’t want to get my hopes up in case something happened, or she changed her mind. Honestly, I want the baby so bad and have planned for three so having just our girl home feels incomplete. Things with Ava have continued to be tense at best. It seems the longer she is pregnant and living with the pack the more unhappy she feels. I have no idea what she’s going through or the hurt that lives inside of her, but I hate to see her so miserable. She has also seemed to direct most of that anger towards me so it wouldn’t surprise me if she pulled the rug out from under us and decided that she didn’t want me to have her baby. I don’t even know how she will react to my presence during her labor, I only know I love her and this baby no matter what she decides to do. I wouldn’t want to do this alone so I will be there if she needs me. “Thanks for walking me my love but I should go in alone. I’ll have someone come get you both after all is well and the baby is here.” “Ember are you sure? I don’t want her abusing you or for you to be hurting and alone.” I kiss Lucas my ever-present protector. “I’ll be okay I promise and if I’m not then I’ll come home or call for you. The last thing I want is to parade my loving mates in front of Ava while she is having a baby without one.” “Okay, but you know where I am if you need anything.” “And you come get me if I’m gone too long and Oriel needs to eat.” “I love you phoenix.” “And I love you, my heart.”
Ava:
I knew this morning when I woke up to terrible cramps that the baby would be coming soon. I have been uncomfortable for days and the strain from carrying this monster has me to my breaking point. “It’s almost over.” I have been reminding myself all week. Once this baby is out of me, I can finally go start my new life, far away from this place that has done nothing but brought me pain. I have been talking to a few of the men in the pack and they said there is a large “hunter” settlement about twenty miles or so from here that would be easy to assimilate into because it servs as a trading spot for a lot of normal human communities. I know the shifter people look at normal humans as ruthless hunters, but I see them as uncontrolled beasts. I know I can’t be happy here, not surrounded by people like him. Violent men who take whatever they want. I have been sheltered since that horrible night, but I can never trust any of them again. I wish I cold just go back home, and Ember told me that they would take me back there if I wanted but how could I? I could never just show up at home ruined, my family would turn me out in shame if they found out what happened. I wish things would have been different. I hate that Ember walks around like a queen with two men who basically worship the ground she walks on and has a pack that adores her. Lucas could have been mine and he could be here holding my hand but instead he was out chasing after Ember like a puppy while I was attacked. She was supposed to be my friend but has aided in ruining my life. It is only right that she takes on the burden of the sins committed against me.

I lay in the sterile bed panting and exhausted, the sound of a baby’s crying fills the room. Each wail fills me with agony. “Ava, you have a beautiful son. Do you want to hold him?” “No.” “Are you sure I could help you nurse him.” “I said NO! Give him to his mother, I can’t see him.” I can’t hold the tears back anymore they flow from me as my heart breaks all over again. The truth is I know if I hold him I’ll fall in love and not be able to let go. The only way for me to start again is to give him up. “Give him to your Luna Rachel. She’s his mother now. Please just leave me alone.” “Ava….” “I said Go!” I hear Rachel leave the room and I’m left alone with Dr. Tanner who I told before hand that I wasn’t keeping the baby. I can’t help but curl into a ball and cry, I’ll be strong tomorrow. “Ava.” I hear Dr. Tanner’s strong quiet voice. “You can always change your mind. What happened to you was horrible and every member of the pack shoulders that responsibility. I understand too if you don’t change your mind and want to start fresh, I will help watch over your son and love him as will this pack. You both always have a place here if you wish. I’ll be back to check on you soon. Rest now, you did good Ava.” When he leaves, I’m alone again and I let the darkness consume me.