xxiii. just above the tide

Kellan doesn’t say anything and I can do nothing but stare at the dampness of his slacks. Someone probably pushed him down the slide.

Eventually, he steps back, his shoes clicking against the brown wood as he walks away. I don’t know where we’re going but Kory coaxes me forward and I follow without complaint. We end up congregated in the closest restroom one floor below deck.

“What happened?” Kellan says, leaning against the cream-colored wall by the door. Kory sits on the edge of the fancy bathtub, his elbows perched on his knees.

“It was the DJ's fault,” I croak, blowing my nose in a wad of tissue.

“Kira, you don’t just cry at a party,” Kory retorts. “And over a song.”

“Bad day.” I lean down to wash my face.

I lean forward to wash splash cold water on my face as Kellan says, “It’s Reese.”

A huffing breath leaves me and I pat my cheeks. “Why does everyone think that everything has to do with him?” My voice is hoarse and low, and just hearing it makes me exhausted.

“We saw you talking to him,” Kory says.

“Well, it’s not him.” My voice comes out harder than I want it to but I can’t help it. I’m tired of people thinking all my decisions and thoughts revolve around this guy.

I don’t eat, sleep and breath Reese Jamison. “Maybe I’m just fucking depressed, okay? Can that just be it?”

A cold, uncomfortable silence follows. I stare at myself in the mirror to avoid seeing their faces. I’m just as zombie-looking as I thought. My eyes are red and swollen, my cheeks flushed, the tip and under my nose tinged pink. My eyes start watering again and I look down.

“Can you guys just go?” I don’t know if they hear me well enough but I wave to the door. They make no move to leave and I roll my eyes, the tears spilling down my face. “Unless you wanna stay here while I pee.”

They actually hesitate, but a second later, Kory gets up and heads to the door.

“Come on,” Kory hisses to our stubborn brother. I shake my head.

I wait to hear the door click, but before that happens, there’s Kellan’s, “Don’t lock the door.”

I turn around, leaning back against the sink to stare at him halfway through the door.

“We’ll be right out here.” He shifts to leave but stops again. “And I’ll break this door if I have to.”

“Kellan, just get out.”

He does, but he means what he said. He’s had to before.


I can’t leave the bathroom. Not looking like this.

I place my fingers on either side of my cheekbones and push the skin back, wanting to cry all over again when I’m just as ugly as before. My eyes are redder, it hurts to keep them open and my whole face is swollen now.

*This isn’t how the night is supposed to go.*

There’s a sharp knock at the door. “Kira,” Kellan calls from the hall.

“Go away!”

“Can we come back in?”

I groan, covering my face. I’ve been in here for at least fifteen minutes and I know they heard me sobbing. Every minute there was a knock and every time I tell them to get lost. Know what they do? Not get lost.

I stalk toward the door and glare at Kellan when I fling it open. “What?” I say between my teeth, half a second away from attacking him.

His eyes go right to scoping, glancing at my hand on the door, then my other hand clenched in a fist at my side.

“Are you done?” He’s not, but he doesn’t say so. He just keeps glancing over me, even leaning back to get a better look.

I make a sound, pushing past him. “I wanna go home.” I stop in the middle of the hall, wrapping my cover around me and crossing my arms.

“I’ll tell Von-”

“Do we have to?” The fight I just had diminishes to something lower, vulnerable.

He blinks at me. “Do you plan on swimming back?”

“Okay, okay,” Kory says, getting up from where he’s sitting on the floor. He turns to me with his arms wide. “You wanna get drunk? That’s the only other option I see here.”

“I’ll take it,” I reply, willing to do anything not to feel like this anymore. I just want this night to be over. I want to go home and bury myself under ten thousand blankets and stay there until I feel whole again. But I don’t want to ruin what Von’s worked so hard for these past few days.

I turn to Kellan, an invitation, because he’s not talking me out of it.

He gives me a disapproving look. He’s fighting with himself and I can see the larger part of him wants to be the angel on my shoulder and say no despite his devilish tendencies. Then again… the devil is an angel.

His voice is deep and gruff when he breathes, “Fine.”


Drowning sorrows and running from emotions by drinking is never the way to go, I know that. So far, this is the most I’ve ever drunk in a year.

But I’ve never been this down at any of Von’s parties and I hate it. I don’t want to be the person bringing everyone down and damping the air with murky, negative emotions and thoughts. So if for one night in my life, I want to forget everything by doing this. I don’t want to deal with it right now, so this is the road I’ll take.

Kellan, Kory and I sit on the extended seat against the side of the yacht and take shots from a bottle of Hennesy Kory snuck in and hid somewhere. On our way back up to the deck, he’d told Kellan and me to wait and he disappeared for a few minutes and came back grinning with it held up next to his bruised face. He still hasn’t said what happened and when I asked Kellan he just shrugged.

Kellan takes another gulp from the bottle and makes a face as he hands it Kory. “That’s disgusting.” He’s said that after every drink and it’s true.

“Kellan after five gulps of Hennesy,” Kory says, grinning, his phone held up as he records the kodak moment.

I laugh, watching Kellan narrow his eyes at the phone. “I told you to stop recording me. I’ll toss that thing overboard.”

Kory purses his lips and peers at Kellan over the phone challengingly. “Bet.”

Kellan’s hand shoots out lightning fast but Kory’s faster. He tucks his phone to his chest and falls over, on to my lap, with the pitchiest scream I only hear him let out when we’re at home—usually when he’s messing with Kellan and he’s running for his life.

“Can you take a joke?” Kory says loudly, still protecting his phone as he sits up.

I shake my head, another laugh bubbling in my chest. I didn’t drink much—I took three sips I think and my head is already swimming.

“Hey, how are you still so-” I gesture to Kellan, “-so upright?” His eyes haven’t drooped or his shoulders tilting awkwardly not even once in the past fifteen minutes and he’s been taking mouthfuls.

He shrugs. “Starting to feel it actually.”

I tilt my head back, my eyes narrowing. “Really? Stand up.”

Kellan shakes his head but stands up anyway, pulling down his slacks that are a lot dryer now. I watch him intently and he doesn’t sway nor stagger. I hum.

“Give him another one,” I say to Kory, pointing at the bottle tucked against his torso.

Kellan laughs, snatching the bottle from Kory. “You’re never seeing me drunk, let’s clear that up right now.” He looks at us before setting the bottle down on the brown leather seat.

Kory cups his mouth and chants, “Boooo!”

“Lame!” I add.

Kellan’s expression is a split between confusion, him thinking we’re stupid, and amusement. It’s more emotions than I’ve ever seen on his face at once, which kind of says…

“You’re buzzed.” I jump up, pointing at him. I stagger a little but catch myself by gripping Kory’s shoulder. “You’re expressing yourself.” I look down at Kory. “You see?”

Kory sits forward, staring at Kellan’s face intently. “Oh, yeah.”

“So weird.”

Kellan rolls his eyes and runs his hand down his face then over his head. “You two are stupid.”

“Well I,” I say loudly, pumping my arms, “am going to get carrots! They have carrots.”

“Stay upright!” One of them calls after me as I’m dancing across the deck, through the crowd toward the refreshments table.

I’m all too happy when I get to the table because there are more carrots in the carrot basket than I thought. I’m probably the only person here who would eat them at a party. I did tell Von to have them just for me so… “I think carrots are great. I don’t care what anyone thinks-”

“Hey?”

I almost jump out of my skin and unintentionally spin to face Reese.