xxiv. transparent

My eyes widen and I chew on the carrot stick peeking out of my mouth at an alarming speed. I probably look like a rabbit.

Reese blatantly watches my mouth until the carrot disappears fully. Then he meets my eyes and says, “How’s it going?”

Still chewing but slower, I reply. “Foine.”

“Yeah?” The word is hesitant, drawn-out, but the alcohol in my system can’t get me to care.

I slip another carrot into my mouth, nodding. “Mhm.”

It’s silent for a moment and I let it. My mind is free of troubles this once in space and time and I revel in it. I let myself sway with the yacht's rock and the bass of whatever song’s playing now—I won’t even focus on the words to that.

“So this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now,” Reese says, dragging me out of my calm, “but I didn’t mean to upset you earlier-”

I wave him off, turning back fully to the table to grab more carrots. “You didn’t- you didn’t even do anything.” I want him to drop it because piercing my alcohol-infused cloud with heavy ugly emotions is not what I’m looking forward to.

“Yeah, but… I brought it up and it obviously wasn’t the right time.” He steps closer.

It might be me but heat envelopes my skin where the air constricts between us with his closeness. I almost lean into him now that I don’t feel like my air supply is being cut off like it usually is with his proximity.

“And then you were crying and-”

“No, I wasn’t.” I glance at him out of the corner of my eye.

Another silent moment passes, this one heavier with my underlying panic and his… whatever it is he’s thinking right now. I scan through my short memory of a while ago, trying to remember if I’d seen him when my eyes had been sweating half an hour ago.

“Okay,” he says lowly. He doesn’t sound like he’s mocking me and I’m grateful for it. “But I wanted to talk to you earlier, that guy with the tattoos made a move when I was about to.”

That makes me smile. I turn to look at him—give him attention again. His gaze is on the table, but those hazel eyes meet mine not long after he sees that I’m finally acknowledging him full-on.

“He’s my brother and he did not *make a move*.” I shudder at the thought.

His eyebrows pull together, confused. “Your brother…”

I hum. I look away when I remember that my eyes are probably still red and my face a mess—no amount of washing restored my glow. I think there was a glow at some point but as I said, I’ve been having a tough day so I can’t be sure.

“I didn’t know you had another brother.”

I bite into another carrot, licking my lips. “Kory’s adopted and he’s been a part of our family for a few years now? He goes to Liberation cause he’s a delinquent.”

Saying it out loud feels a little weird. I’ve never really had to explain that Kory’s adopted. It’s not a secret but he’s just always been our brother. It hasn’t been more than three to four years but he fit into our family like he was born into it and now he’s a part of us, whether it’s by blood or contract.

Reese snickers. “Good to know.”

Something about his smile has always affected me in weird ways; the crooked curl of his lips when he’s amused, his piercing dimples, how his teeth bite into his bottom lip when he tries not to smile…. All of which are happening right now.

This is why I find myself blurting out, “I wasn’t crying.” It’s that smile.

His expression shifts, and what my buzzed brain interprets is something tender. His smile dwindles to something softer, barely there, and his eyelids droop lower—eyelashes nearly dusting his skin painted gold under the fairy lights along the deck. He’s so pretty it almost hurts. I swallow air and saliva and nerves, fisting my hands by my sides. I’m more aware that I’m basically naked with only a see-through cover-up over my bikini.

It’s only a second before I push down whatever insecurities plan to surface with the help of my friend, Hennessy.

“My bad,” he says, his tone equivalent to what I think I’m seeing on his face. “You just looked a little red and teared up from the wind now that I’m thinking about it. It is a little chilly out here.”

I bite the inside of my bottom lip but my stomach is twisting and turning in on itself. “Exactly.” I look away because his smile makes me queasy and if I keep staring at him staring at me I’ll continue babbling. Who knows what’ll come out of my mouth then.

“So,” I brush my arms once to ease the goosebumps, “you didn’t talk to me because you thought Lorenxo and I…” Well, that lasted long enough.

He groans and rubs his eyes with his fingers. He doesn’t say anything, but a sharp laugh leaves him, the sound a mix of frustration and maybe embarrassment.

“Can I ask why?” I rock back and forth on my feet, twisting my fingers together behind my back. I don't look at him, my desire for carrots abandoned and my curiosity at its peak. “You didn’t have to boycott me, but you did. I’m just curious.” I stare at the dark expanse of water and the lights of some city shining like a cluster of dozens of stars in the distance.

I breathe as deeply and subtly as I can but I can’t deny to myself that my palms are a bit slippery and it feels like my heart’s resting on my skin outside my chest rather than beneath it.

He clears his throat and it’s a hard almost aggressive sound that makes me look at him almost immediately.

He’s blushing. He’s not looking at me and he’s blushing like mad. It’s the most adorable thing. I don’t know if I’m swaying now or if it’s my head.

“It’s really nothing- I don’t know.” I’m about to tell him he doesn’t have to tell me, but he continues, “I kind of liked you… a little bit. Back then.”

“Oh.”

Another prolonged silence as the words settle and I’m beginning to think this will be our thing if we keep going out of our way to speak to each other. Or if he does anyway.

For now, it’s just us—the booming music fading into background noise and the bodies blurring into soft fuzziness like the realization in my stomach. No matter how much I had to drink, I won’t let the words running amok pass my lips. That maybe there could’ve been a possibility of…

Maybe there still can be…

He breaks the silence and this time, he’s the one rambling. “But that shouldn’t have been- I was an asshole for a long time because of it, especially that time in ninth grade when you-” he stops and we both know what he’s talking about. When I asked him if he wanted to hang out for the first time.

It all makes so much sense now.

“You remember that?” If it’s possible to swoon saying a whole sentence, that’s what I sound like. He nods, his hand tangling in his curls. “You really were an ass,” I say, control slipping from my tongue.

“I know. And I always felt shitty about it. Sorry, Kira.”

I hum, not wanting to come off as too eager to make amends. Truth is, I’m doing backflips inside my body right now. I don’t expect anything to happen between us, but having the air clear—understanding that he didn’t hate me—makes the night better somewhat. At least one conflict is resolved tonight even if it brought up another.

I try not to think about Gina in this moment—I push the thought away, the memory of her cold expression- *stomp it down, don’t let it taint this*.

And so I do. I let myself bask in this, to the bottom of this very body of water with all my negative thoughts. I won’t let anything else ruin Von’s party for me. And more importantly my night.

Reese sees something on my face that makes him smile and those dimples pierce straight through my stomach. My face goes hot and I look away, maybe too quickly, and snatch a carrot stick before thrusting it toward his face.

“Carrot?” My voice is high and squeaky and the smile I give him is painful even on my face.

He’s grinning now and when he takes the vegetable from my fingers, another sharp laugh leaves him. This one the complete opposite from the first. He visibly struggles to stop from laughing more.

“Sure,” he says, smiling wide and uncontrolled.

My eyes narrow a little and I pout. “You’re always laughing at me.”

That’s all he needs to burst. It’s not obnoxious but it’s enough for me to roll my eyes and turn away.

“Kira!” His voice is laced with amusement and more laughter. I don’t look back but I can’t stop my smile. Not even when I catch my brothers’ eyes and their deadpan stares.