xxvii. those who push

The doctor said I wasn’t concussed but gave me something for my troubles anyway. The bottle of pills that I didn’t get around to reading is reason enough for Kellan to make a fuss. About everything.

Kory comes home at four in the afternoon and joins his brother in being a pain, but thankfully not as bad.

The doctor recommends I stay home for the next day or so and “relax” and the men in my house take that as trying to carry me everywhere for the next twenty-four hours, at least. I don’t let them. Not after the first few times with Kellan, but that doesn’t count because he knew I didn’t need him to but did it anyway.

I’m miserably tucked under two comforters on the couch trying to enjoy a movie that’s going terribly. I give up on the movie and decide to try and get comfortable, but can’t because several parts of my body ache.

I flip onto my back, then on my side again, facing the back of the couch to find a soft spot I can sink into. Maybe the movie's the problem. The constant chatter and occasional gunshot put me on edge.

“You know,” Kory starts, chewing around his words, “you could just go to your room. That couch is awful for your back.”

I groan my defiance into the brown leather and fold my arms against my chest, finally finding comfort. I sigh, relaxing a little more with each second until I feel myself fading into sleep for the third time today.

“Kira, you didn’t tell Von what happened today?”

Turning my group chat notifications off, then my phone was a coward’s way out. But after the doctor, we came home and I felt infinitely worse and didn’t want to deal with the constant buzzing and pinging from the thing. It made my head hurt and was quite frankly, overwhelming, so I sent a quick text that I wasn’t feeling well before turning it off.

Did I expect my friends to bother my brothers? Yes. But I also expected them to show up on my doorstep so I'm guessing Kellan handled it a lot better than I could’ve.

I ignore Kellan in hopes that he’ll leave it—leave *me *alone.

“What should I tell her?” He continues. “They’re worried but I told them right now isn’t the best time to come over.”

*I doubt all of them are worried.* I roll my eyes under my closed lids.

Eventually, I lean back enough to say over my shoulder. “Tell them I fell in gym or something.”

“You did fall in gym.”

I don’t respond to that.

Kellan continues. “They still want to come over.”

Covering my eyes, I groan loudly, evoking that ache in my head that runs down my body. I move onto my back again to glare at him. He only stares at me.

“I don’t want to see anyone today. So… tomorrow?”

It doesn’t evade me that the invitation probably only came from two of the three girls and I feel anger and devastation twisting in my gut. Gina is the pinnacle of stubbornness if compared to the rest of us. She can hold a grudge for sure and it will be unfortunate if she let something like this come between us. As for me, I’m still not sure whether I want to be the bigger person.

I’ll worry about it tomorrow.

He nods before exiting with his phone against his ear. He’ll convince Von better with his voice. I’m sure she’s the one on the phone. Nice to see that he knows how to wield certain weapons.

With that out of the way, I bury myself into the back of the couch again and drown out Kory’s low chuckles at whatever he’d switched the station to.

† † †

I get three days to myself. I don’t turn my phone back on and I spend most of my time catching up on homework my teachers send me and studying for finals that are still a few weeks away.

I read two novellas and doodle away with either music or my tv running in the background.

It’s not until the third day that I realize the girls hadn’t stopped by. That doesn’t bother me so much because I don’t mind it. I love them to pieces but I like being alone. Being alone gives me time to get myself together and ready for whatever curveball life throws at me when I get out there again.

Wednesday night I decided to forget school for the rest of the week and my parents let me. Funny how that works; I try to come up with an excuse to miss one period and end up missing the entire week. It’s not something to be happy about because I feel horrible. Mentally and physically. All because I can’t get over what Gina said. Her implications.

I never want to talk to her again as much as I want to lock it all away and go back to normal. It shouldn’t be too hard to do the latter, but a part of me is terrified of things getting worse. Of what she’d say—if she’s still mad. If she still doesn’t believe me. I don’t know what would happen then, but I know it’ll be too much for me to handle. I’m not ready for it either way.

Kellan knocks once before pushing open my cracked door on Friday afternoon. He stands at the door and stares at me. We stare at each other for a few seconds, the soft baritone of the singer playing through my Alexa filling the space with Korean words that neither of us understands. Not word for word anyway.

I know that face. He wants to talk. The furrow between his eyes, slightly pursed lips that stop him from blurting out the first thing on his tongue, and his eyes moving from mine to everywhere else. The internal battle.

It’s always been fascinating watching it happen and betting on whether he’ll let the urge take over or drop it and walk away. I don’t bet today. I wait.

Kellan’s a guardian somewhat. And when he worries he gets angsty. Our parents aren’t like that so who knows where it comes from.

If I tell them I need time and I’ll talk about it when I’m ready (if I ever am) they can be patient. They let me get through things and let me know they’ll be there.

Kellan… can be patient in his own way. But if any of us aren’t in the right headspace he wants to know and he wants to know why. Then he tries to fix it even if it’s not his issue to take up. It’s easy to forget I’m the oldest sometimes because of it, especially since he’s gotten even more protective of me in recent years.

“We’re going out,” he says finally. “You have an hour to get ready. Dress… comfortably.”

I don’t have it in me to fight. I don’t know what it is. As the days went on, I felt worse rather than better and didn’t leave my room unless I needed to shower or was forced to eat.

He leaves before I whisper, “Okay.”

I don’t take ‘dress comfortably’ literally—better yet, I can’t. I throw on the first things I see as I’m searching for clothes to change into. Grey sweats, white shirt, white vans. I’m color-coordinated, at least.

I put in some effort for my hair though by running a comb through it a few times before putting it in a decent ponytail. Then I add some silver rings, bracelets, and a pair of dangling butterfly earrings to feel somewhat normal.

I’m downstairs in less than half an hour, rummaging through the pantry in the far left corner of the room for a bottle of water.

“You’re ready?”

Coming up empty-handed, I turn toward Kellan and exit the tiny space, nodding at his question. “There’s no water?”

He gestured to the fridge. “Last of them are in there. I plan on getting a few cases on my way back.”

I sigh, not in the mood for cold water, and decide to leave it. “Where are we going?” I already guessed the grocery store in the time it took me to get ready.

I follow him out of the kitchen and toward the front door. Kellan doesn’t answer my question, or the others that follow in the car, on the way to wherever it is he’s going.

But eventually, I stop asking and stare out the windshield or the car window, gazing at nothing and everything we pass by. The only sound in the space is the wind bustling through the cracked windows. We sit in silence the entire drive.

It’s hard to think about nothing being along with Kellan in any space. He makes everyone painfully aware of it because he’s always this quiet. All I can think about is how difficult I’ve been these past few days. It’s not easy getting out of a hole when I dig them for myself. The more space I get, the deeper I bury. I don’t know if that’s the same for everyone, and even though I wish they won’t leave me alone, I can’t say that because I want to be alone.

The concept is hard to grapple with and I can never explain it.

“I know I’m being difficult.” I rub my hands down my arms. The weather’s bearable but I wish I’d worn long sleeves.

Kellan glances at me quickly then back to the road. He hums lazily. “Not really. I find you easier to be around when you’re like this.”

I look at him then, blank-faced albeit with slight amusement.

He nods to the back seat. “There’s an extra sweatshirt back there if you need it.”

Glancing over my shoulder, I grimace. “I’m not wearing your sweaty football clothes.” He shrugs in response. I twist in my seat to face him as awkwardly as I can with my
seatbelt no. “Why won’t you tell me where we’re going?”

“Cause we’re almost there.”

“Where though?”

He focuses on switching lanes. He still doesn’t answer in the next minute or so. The familiar exit has my first thought blurting out of me.

“Are we going to Lehigh?”

Kellan doesn’t say anything. I conclude that’s exactly where we’re going when all his turns and roads take us on the exact route we usually take to get to the campus.
We go there often—me, him, and Kory. Usually on the weekend to walk around and waste time if we’re not busy and we’re bored. The girls and I go there too and do the same but we usually take advantage of their ice cream shop and outside seating. “To take in the view.” Which is code for checking out hot people.

He parks on the side of the road across from said plaza where those two shops are and shuts off the engine. I smile at him.

“Are you getting me ice cream?”

I don’t expect him to entertain my teasing but he nods, and peers out the closed window before opening his door. I undo my seatbelt and do the same, meeting him on the other side of the car.

The night is cool and lit up by the stretch of high buildings and open shops. The campus is one of the best things about Lehigh, how open it is, the fact that no one really needs to drive to get basic necessities. It’s easy to forget there’s a university close if it weren’t for all the college kids walking around so often. And also because it’s right in the middle of a fully functioning community. There’s an elementary and middle school within walking distance. The latter is practically on the campus grounds itself since just crossing the street takes me half a block away from it.

I glance up and down the street, looking for cars but end up eyeing the tall building currently in construction. They’re working on a few more buildings but I can’t even begin to assume for what. Probably in STEM.

“You know what I want,” I say to Kellan as he holds the ice cream shop door open for me. He nods again, his eyes going skyward. I grin. “Sometimes I feel like you don’t even like me.”

He looks at me then with a stare that says, ‘That feeling’s right.’

That makes me smile wider and lean forward to wrap my arms around his torso. He groans, tilting away from me. His hand gently trying to pry me off is what makes me crack. I laugh, letting him go.

A server comes to us right away. Blue-haired, with multiple piercings going up each ear, one in her eyebrow, and another in her nose. *Pretty.*

She smiles, showing off perfectly straight teeth, and wipe her hands on her red apron. “What can I get for you?”

I go first—because I always do—ordering a medium mint chocolate in a cup.

“And for you?”

Kellan shakes his head. “Nothing for me.”

She nods with a smile and steps away to get my order, while I turn to Kellan with suspicion.

I tilt my head back, eyeing him. “Why?”

He glances at me and shakes his head. “I don’t want any.”

“Everyone gets ice cream at an ice cream shop, bro.”

He ignores me and reaches into his back pocket for his wallet.

“Here you go!”

“Oh-” I clench my hands into fists against my chest to stop from reaching for my order just yet. “Can I have sprinkles,” I ask lowly. It’s not that I’m embarrassed about sprinkles, I forgot to tell her and now she has to go back and do it. “Sorry.”

“Oh, no you’re good.” She’s still smiling as she takes the cup up and turns her back to us again.

“I think she likes you,” Kellan leans down to whisper.

I lean back when I look at him, my eyebrows raised. “Okay,” I say sassily. Usually, when it comes to girls, standing next to Kellan, they always approach us for him. So whatever he’s seeing, he’s deflecting it toward me.

“Why are you taking so long,” her familiar lilt comes from behind me.

I almost jump out of my shoes as I spin around. “What-”

In all her glory, Von’s standing behind us with her hands on her hips, expression impatient and maybe a little irritated.

Kellan sighs next to me and turns to her next. “Do you have no patience at all?”

She leans forward and says, “You know I don’t.”

I hadn’t looked around when I walked in despite the place being small. Too caught up in teasing my brother, I didn’t much care to. I also tend to not look around too much when walking into a crowded room and that’s what the place was tonight. There were only a few tables, but people were sitting at each one, even outside.

Now, seeing Von and knowing she’s been waiting for some reason, I let my eyes wander the small groups at each table, searching. And find them at the table in the far left corner of the room. Gina and Jodene sitting at the table in the large front window of the shop.