Chapter Twenty-Nine

CHAPTER TWELVE

Three months have passed and all of our friends and family know about the baby at this point. My mother screamed in my ear so loud when I told her that I thought she’d burst my eardrums. My sister was more calm but I could tell that she was excited. They are both coming for a visit soon and I can’t wait to see them. My sister said that she would stay in a hotel since she’s bringing her husband. I told her that I don’t think it would be a problem because we do have two extra rooms and we aren’t doing anything to the baby’s room just yet. We aren’t in a rush to decorate and buy things because honestly it’ll only take a weekend. He’ll invite his guys over and they’ll knock all that out in one weekend. All I will be doing is drinking tea and eating snacks with Alicia and Stephanie. I’m not allowed to do much at this stage. I’ve been on bed rest due to there only being four months left and I’ve gotten more tired lately. Also my blood pressure has been spiking a lot so she wants me to take it easy. The only exercise I get now is walking from one room to the next, but all in all I love being pregnant. There’s no more morning sickness and I am super happy about that because that was too much. My feet and back hurt a lot more now too but he gives me massages when he gets home since he doesn’t work long hours. He cut back so that I’m not left home alone for long periods of time.
Today I’ve decided to get some much needed work done, so I make myself a cup of chamomile tea and sit on the sofa with my laptop. My boss calls and we talk about some issues that have been going on and he congratulates me on the job I’ve done getting the place back on track. He reminds me of a conference call that we have with a client in the morning and I tell him that I’ll be ready. Before we hang up, he asks me about the pregnancy and tells me to make sure that I’m getting enough rest and following the doctor’s orders. I reassure him that I am doing everything I’m supposed to do and thank him for asking about me and the baby. After the phone call, I resume my work until I get hungry so I make myself a ham and cheese sandwich with some chips on the side and sit back down on the sofa. I start to get drowsy and slowly start to fall asleep while typing. What happens next is not something I was prepared for at all.
Things can happen in the blink of an eye. You can be happy one minute and in the next something tragic can strike and take all your happiness away. There’s tons of people around me including my mother and sister. When did they get here? I can see Daniel, Alicia, Stephanie, Micah, Ethan, nurses, doctors, and Jameson standing next to me. I can feel pressure on my hand but the rest of me feels numb. There’s someone screaming and crying. Why isn’t anyone going to find out what’s wrong with that person? I can tell that the person is a woman and in a hell of a lot of pain. Someone really should check on her. As I’m about to open my mouth to ask someone to do just that I feel something wet drop onto my hand. I reach up and touch my face and it is soaked along with the hospital gown I’m wearing. Wait a minute. Why am I in a hospital gown? Again I look around my surroundings and that’s when I realize I am in a hospital room. What happened? Why am I here? That woman is still screaming and crying and it brings me back to the reason I was trying to speak. Suddenly all of the sound comes back to the room and I can hear people talking and Jameson is saying calming things to me and rubbing my back. Now I realize that he’s holding one hand and using his other to rub circles in my back. Why couldn’t I hear all of this before now? I’m sort of bent over and when I hear the screaming and crying again I realize the woman is me. I reach up and clutch my chest where my heart is and try clawing at it to get it out. Nobody is helping me. Why won’t someone help me get rid of the thing that’s causing me so much pain?
“HELP ME!” I cry out and then I hear Jameson start to cry.
“I know Doll. I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you.” He wraps me in his arms and I’m confused and hurt. Why is he crying? I don’t want him to cry. I never want him to be sad.
“Baby what’s happening? Why am I here?” I look down at my stomach and it’s still a little round but something seems off.
“Doll you don’t remember? I’m so sorry to tell you this but we lost the baby. You had a miscarriage love.” No that can’t be right. I was sitting in the living room and I ate lunch then dozed off on the sofa like I’ve done a million times. Nothing was even wrong.
“NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Baby please tell me that’s not true. Jameson! That isn’t true! How could that happen? I did everything I was supposed to do and nothing was wrong. Baby please tell me something but that’s not true.” I scream at the top of my lungs from all the hurt and pain that has taken over my body. My heart feels like it’ll burst at any moment from the sheer weight of what I’m feeling. My mother and sister come around to the other side of the bed and all three of them hold me and try to calm me down. I heard someone say that they would have to sedate me. If anyone comes near me right now I will kill them and I make sure they know.
“Jameson don’t let them sedate me. If anyone comes near me right now I will hurt them. My baby is dead and they’re trying to drug me. Why?”
“Doll it’s just to calm you down so you don’t hurt yourself. All this screaming isn’t good for your health baby. Your blood pressure is going through the roof. I can’t lose you too Doll. I don’t want you to have a stroke and die. Please let them take care of you.”
In a very short moment of clarity, I hear his words and I lean into him which tells him that I’ll do what he asks. My mother and sister move over long enough for the nurse to administer the medicine into my I.V. and then they are right back by my side. I feel exhausted and that I should be out of tears but they still fall freely and my throat still makes the worst sound that it has ever made in my life. The sound of grief.
My cries slowly start to subside as the medicine takes effect but only audibly because inside a river of tears, heartbreak, and pain, are flooding my heart making it almost unbearable to breathe. Normally I would be trying to soothe and comfort everyone else but at this moment I don’t have the strength. I cannot pull it together and I don’t want to for once. My pain is taking over everything and I’m letting it because if I try to deal with anyone or anything else right now it would be too much.
My eyes begin to close on their own and I can feel him gently kiss my lips. I can taste his tears and I try to reach up and cup his cheek. The last thing I remember is telling him, “Baby I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a child” right before my eyes closed and I could hear him finally break all the way down.
Three months have passed and things were a bit tense for a while. My mother and sister stayed for a month to help Jameson with me but they also helped him and that made me smile. On my good days I could be caught smiling and talking but on my bad days, I wouldn’t get out of bed, eat, drink, or communicate in any kind of way. I only got out of bed to use the bathroom and shower and he had to shower with me otherwise I’d just stand there in the tub. I would hear them talking and there were many suggestions of getting me to go to a psychiatrist and medication for depression. That’s the last thing that I wanted but it’s what they thought was best. Jameson convinced me to go and said he’d be with me the whole time and he kept his word. It turns out that we both needed to vent and let out our grief. Apparently he thought I blamed him since he wasn’t using protection and got me pregnant when I had already said that I didn’t want children this soon, which I didn’t blame him for anything. I knew what could happen having unprotected sex and I never made him use a condom. I mean we aren’t teenagers that don’t know anything about sex and the consequences of not using protection. That was my fault just as much as it was his so nobody is to blame for that part. I don’t regret getting pregnant. While he was blaming himself because he thought that I blamed him, I was blaming myself thinking that he blamed me. The doctor said that we knew a miscarriage was a possibility with my illness and we prepared as best we could but sometimes these things just happen. I fell asleep on the sofa and lost my baby. There was nothing wrong with me at the time except my blood pressure was a little elevated but not enough to cause a miscarriage. They ran numerous tests but couldn’t find anything that could have caused it to happen. I know that what Dr. Alexander said in fact is the truth because I’ve done the research on my illness and I’ve been going to doctors since I was eight years old behind it, so believe me I know the stats but there was still a part of me that hoped I would be able to have our baby. I blame myself for not being able to give the man that I love a child.