Forty-Two

“I’m very angry and I feel hurt and betrayed. How do I know that what you’re telling me is the truth? How did she know where we live or about the baby? There’s been too many unexplained coincidences where she’s concerned and I don’t like it at all.”
“I know you are and I’m sorry for making you feel that way. I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you if I have to but please believe that I will never cheat or lie to you. I love you and I’d never do that to you baby girl. Please believe me. As for her finding out about the baby, I’m curious about that as well. We don’t have any friends in common or work with the same people so I don’t know how she found that out. Where we live is a different story. I’m thinking that she may have followed either you or me home. I’m not sure but since she’s always popping up that’s the only explanation I can come up with right now.” I eat my food and think about what he’s saying and it does make sense. I don’t let myself dwell on it too much or my feelings about him for that matter.
“I guess you could be right about that last part but I really want to know how she knew about our child. I hate that she knows about the worst time of my life.” My eyes start to water and I feel a tear slide down my cheek. How much more am I supposed to take? Suddenly I feel his strong arms around me and he rubs my back soothing me. These arms have always made me feel safe and protected and even now when I don’t know what to believe I still feel that way.
“Shhh baby girl. Please don’t cry. I’ll get to the bottom of this if you want me to Doll.”
“It’s okay, you don’t have to do that because it doesn’t really matter. She will no longer take up any of my thoughts from this day forward.” I push his arms away and scoot away from him. He looks hurt but I can’t think about his feelings right now or else I really will lose it, plus I need to be able to think clearly and I can’t do that in his arms. “Don’t look at me like that. I know you’re hurt too and I’m sorry about that but I’m still trying to process what you’re telling me. I’m not completely sure what to believe but as hurt as my heart is, it is telling me to believe you. I don’t know if it’s saying that to stop from hurting or because it really believes you.”
“Doll I’m telling you the truth. I don’t know how else to prove it to you. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it but I can’t lose you. I want you in my life, no, I need you in my life. Please don’t leave me.”
“I’ll come back home BUT I am going to sleep in the spare room until I can think everything through. If you pressure me at any time I’m going to have to leave and that will make this take longer so just give me some space to think is all I’m asking. There will be no baths or showers together.”
“I guess making love is out of the question too. Okay I promise not to pressure you and give you the space that you need. In the meantime I’ll be working with Micah on that other situation. Umm are hugs and kisses out too?”
“I don’t think there would be a problem hugging but I don’t know about kissing yet.”
“Okay. I respect that.” He looks down and I can tell that it is hurting him saying that we can’t be intimate in any way other than hugging but if I let him do anything other than that I won’t know if the decision I make is based off of me believing him or lust. I want our relationship to be about more than raging hormones. I do feel that he loves me and I do love him but I’m not trusting him right now and until I can do that without questioning his motives we shouldn’t be intimate. Sex will only make it harder for me to leave if that’s what it ends up coming down to me doing.
“What’s the bag for? Were you planning on spending the night with me?”
“Oh I forgot that I even brought it with me. I brought you some clothes and your charger. I know you didn’t stop by the house on your way here so I packed you a bag before I came over. I have a room next door but I only booked it for a few hours. I planned to leave after we talked.”
“Oh okay. Thank you. I’ll go change and be right back.”
I get up and head into the bathroom to get changed. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem just changing in front of him, I mean we’ve lived together for a year now and have seen each other naked hundreds of times so it isn’t like I’m modest, but I figured that it would make it harder on us if he sees me half naked and I want to make this as easy as possible. When I’m done getting changed, I head back into the sitting area and ask him if he’s ready to go.
We pack up everything and both head downstairs to the lobby to check out. The man at the front desk kept looking at me and smiling and I just smiled back as nicely as I could without asking him what his problem was while Jameson paid his bill. My room was already paid. I told myself that I would ask him if he knew what that was all about when we got into the car.
The valet takes the stub and goes to get his car and we wait in silence. I see movement out of the corner of my eye and look down to see his hand twitching like he’s trying to stop himself from grabbing my hand. I just sigh telling myself that tonight will be a long night if he’s just having trouble standing next to me. To try to help take his mind off of wanting to touch me, I ask him if he wants to grab something to eat or if he wants to eat the pizza we have in the freezer. He says that he wants the pizza and I stop talking again as I try to think of what else to talk about.
The valet shows up with the car and Jameson opens the passenger door for me and I get in then he closes it and goes around to the other side and gets in as well. I’m quiet as he pulls out into traffic. My mind keeps racing with different questions and going over what happened at the restaurant. I don’t know if I believe him and I don’t know what will happen for us if I never can. I don’t want to lose him but I don’t want to stay and look like a fool. How many times is this going to happen to us? Every time we’re happy and things are going well, that damn woman shows up messing things up again. I’m still grieving the loss of my child and she keeps making it worse for me. I just want some peace. Jameson and I were finally getting back on track and here she comes screwing my life up. I think of how happy we all were celebrating our friends getting engaged and then it all went to hell just because I went to the bathroom.
My mind continues to swirl with all sorts of thoughts both good and bad, and out of all the things that I was thinking about, the one thing that comes out of my mouth to ask him is the thing that shocks not only him but myself as well. I never thought in a million years that I would ask that question.
“Jameson, why haven’t you asked me to marry you yet?” I feel my cheeks getting hot as I start to blush. What is wrong with me? Why did I just ask him that? I don’t even trust him enough right now to want to sleep in the same bed with him let alone marry him. I finally get the courage to look up at his face since I know that he’s driving and can’t look at me. His face looks flushed and he looks as if he’s trying to find the right words to answer my question.
“Well umm honestly I didn’t think you wanted me to ask you yet. I know that you’re trying to get things fixed at your office and be further along in your career before getting married.”