Lucky
When she returned to the cabin, she slipped in as quietly as possible, disrobed, and climbed back into bed, hoping she had not disturbed anyone. However, a few moments later, Kelly unwound herself from Baby Lizzy and slid in beside her, wrapping her arm beneath her shoulders. “Everythin’ okay, darlin’?” she whispered.
“Yes,” Meg replied as quietly as possible. “I just had another bad dream, that’s all.”
“I’m so sorry,” her friend replied, kissing her gently on the forehead. “It’ll get better, the farther away from England we go. You’ll see.”
Meg nodded. “I hope so. I just… I keep thinking about Charlie, too, and how lucky he is that, despite the ridicule he may be suffering now, how things are so much better now that I am out of his life forever. He didn’t deserve to be married to someone like me… someone who’s capable of the things I’ve done.”
“Meg!” Kelly scolded. “How can you say something like that? The things your uncle did to you were not your fault. You can’t possibly hold yourself responsible for his transgressions.”
“Maybe not, but the choices I made after that were all my own. For the longest time, I didn’t understand how Charlie could be so readily acceptable of someone else’s plan for his life. After meeting him today, I realized, that’s just who he is. He wanted to do what his father asked him to do while I rebelled against it. Then, I did everything I could to spite my mother, ultimately leaving Charlie and his feelings in my wake. I would like to say I never meant to hurt him, but I know that’s not true. Charlie wasn’t just a circumstantial casualty in this—my actions that damaged his reputation and potentially broke his heart were calculated on my part, and that’s something I am very much ashamed of.”
“Meg, I don’t think that’s completely true. I’ve been with you through all of this, remember? While I know you chose to skip out on Alise’s ball purposefully, knowing Charlie would be waiting for you, I honestly believe that was only because you knew it would have the deepest impact on your mother—which it did—not because of Charlie directly.”
Meg shook her head. “Maybe. I don’t know. I just… I’ve had a lot of bitterness toward him, and it’s been unwarranted. I wish there was some way I could make it up to him, could apologize. But any attempt at doing so would make it far worse. It’s best for me—for Mary Margaret Westmoreland—to stay out of his life forever. So, if we run into him again whilst aboard this ship, you must promise to help me avoid him, all right?”
Kelly considered the statement before replying. Finally, she said, “Meg, are you sure you shouldn’t take advantage of this opportunity to talk to him, to clear the air? You’re right—he does seem like an honorable chap. Perhaps if you approached him and explained everything—and I mean everything—he could at least have some peace about the situation, knowing he didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You can’t be serious!” Meg exclaimed, causing Baby Lizzy to stir in the bed across from them. “Sorry,” she muttered in a sharp whisper. “I didn’t mean to… but no. I couldn’t possibly…. He’d never understand anyway.”
After glancing over at her daughter to make sure she was still asleep, Kelly returned her attention to her friend. “Perhaps you aren’t giving the gentleman enough credit, Meg. I’m sure that, if you told him what your uncle did, he’d understand. Maybe you don’t have to tell him about Ezra, but letting him know you’re sorry would be a step in the right direction toward mending both of your wounded hearts.”
Meg shook her head adamantly. “Absolutely not,” she replied. “Under no circumstances will I ever attempt to explain my poor decision making to Charles Ashton, nor will I attempt to explain it away through playing the victim. Please don’t attempt to necessitate such a meeting either, Kelly. I just want to leave him be, let him live his life, and pray that someday I’ll find someone who’s willing to accept me, despite my flaws.”
Again, Kelly considered her statement before finally resting her head on Meg’s shoulder and saying, “Fine, I won’t press the issue, but I think you’d feel much better if you’d get it off of your chest. And someday you will find a man who loves you just as much as you deserve to be loved, my darlin’. I wish you could see yourself as I see you. You are an amazing person, Meggy, and I hate that you’ve lost yourself through all of this. Someday you’ll see yourself for who you really are again.”
“Thank you, love,” Meg said, kissing her dearest on the top of her head before Kelly crossed back over to cradle her babe. Meg turned to face the whitewashed wall, Kelly’s words replaying in her mind. If only what she said were true. But Meg knew in her heart she would never be worthy of the kind of love Kelly and Daniel had, the kind that Charlie had promised her at one point in their engagement. At the time, she had laughed it off, sure he was only making promises he never intended to keep. Now, she realized she had given up so much more than she had ever realized all in the name of revenge.
The saddest part about the entire situation was that, while she was certain her mother was at home mourning her loss, it was the forfeiture of her chances at gaining position that would have her distraught, not the absence of her daughter. She had lost any semblance of care for her only living child long ago.
With a few hours until sunrise, Meg attempted to fall back to sleep, praying that this time the nightmares would stay away and she could get some much needed rest at last.
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