All Alone

Carrie sank down onto a chair that looked out over the water. The breeze on the deck helped the pain in her head, but nothing could help the ache in her heart.
All of this was because of the Ashtons. She should’ve known better. Robert was a kind man, but even he could be persuaded to act unscrupulous when it came to making his way in this world. Not that his idea for motorcoaches wasn’t wonderful. She was certain Mr. Ashton would agree and use it to benefit his business as well, but it was nice to think that Robert was interested in her because he had true feelings for her, not because he needed a job.
Sniffling, she wiped her nose in the handkerchief she kept with her all the time and tried not to cry. A thousand dreams of a life with Robert shattered, the image dropping like shards of glass in her mind’s eye. Whatever had she been thinking?
“Carrie, how are you feeling?” Jonathan’s voice dripped with concern as he stepped out and sat in the chair next to hers. “I thought I heard you come into my room.”
Dabbing at her eyes with the handkerchief, Carrie stayed turned away from her friend for a moment, trying not to cry in front of him. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t seem fine,” he noted. “Carrie, if you overheard what we were talking about–”
“I feel so foolish!” she blurted, interrupting him. “I thought he was actually interested in me. This whole time, he’s just been using me to get to Mr. Ashton.” She shook her head, willing the tears not to fall from her cheeks.
A soft chuckle from Jonathan had her spinning in her chair. He was shaking his head. “Oh, dear.”
“It’s not funny. You certainly didn’t think it was funny that time you thought Edward was whispering sweet-nothings in that other man’s ear at the Christmas party.”
All amusement drained from Jonathan’s face. “That’s true. I didn’t think it was funny. But I was wrong–and so are you.” Standing, he took a few steps toward the door. “I’m not going to get in the middle of this, Carrie, but you do need to speak to Robert. I know you well enough to understand this is just you doubting yourself, thinking you don’t measure up. Well, I know you do. And so does he.”
Carrie’s mouth dropped open, and she tried to form another argument, but no words came to her lips, and then Jonathan disappeared inside.
Taking a shaky breath, Carrie stood and paced to the railing, looking out over the ocean. No matter how turbulent she felt on the inside, the water always seemed to soothe her. She knew that not everyone felt that way. Jonathan certainly didn’t feel calm when he looked out at the wide expanse. Mr. Ashton almost couldn’t do it at all. Would her opinion change if she ever found herself submersed with nothing but miles of blue liquid all around her? Probably so.
“Eighteen minutes….” The warning slipped from her lips as she pictured Ruth’s face as she told her that she wouldn’t have nearly as much time to get off Lusitania as the passengers aboard Titanic had had.
“What’s that?”
Robert’s voice startled her. Carrie jumped a little and pulled herself from her thoughts, turning to face him. She had no idea what, if anything, Jonathan had told him, other than the fact that he needed to come and speak to her, but he stood there with a concerned look on his handsome face, nothing but caring pooled in those chocolate eyes.
“Oh, nothing.” She shook her head, leaving all thoughts of Ruth and her silly game behind. “I was just… thinking about something Mrs. Ashton’s niece said. How did it go with Pierce?” Why was she asking that when what she really wanted to know was if he was interested in her or just in need of employment?
He nodded and gestured for the chairs. She didn’t want to move from the railing, but she joined him anyway. “He questioned me for a few moments and then let me go. The constable suggested Victor and I stay away from one another. I saw him on my way back here and told him as much, but I’ll be shocked if he listens.”
Her head rocked back and forth as she considered his words, but she wasn’t really listening. While she was concerned about the situation with Victor, it wasn’t at the top of her priorities. Just being near him made her heart race and her mind fill with thoughts of what they could have together one day.
But now, with all of these concerns brought to light, all she could think about was whether or not she’d acted impulsively.
“Carrie, it’s obvious something is bothering you.” He reached for her, but instinctively, she leaned away. The look of heartbreak on his face tugged at her heartstrings, but she couldn’t help feeling the way she did. “I understand it must’ve been embarrassing for you, having all those people stare at us while Victor accused me of picking a fight with him.”
“It’s not that,” she said quickly. She watched as confusion settled in on his handsome face. “I knew you were in the right and had no problem telling anyone who was listening that that was the case.”
“Then what is it?”
His confusion softened her a bit. “I just think maybe we’re not both in this for the same reason. This… relationship. Whatever it is.”
He stared at her for a moment, and she half expected him to say she was right, that he wasn’t in it for her, that he simply wanted to work for Mr. Ashton. But when he spoke, his words sounded like home. “I’m in it for you, Carrie. I know we haven’t spent a tremendous amount of time together, yet, but every moment I spend with you is delightful and whispers of promises of a lovely life for years to come.”
Tears brimmed in her eyes again, but even hearing him say such beautiful words didn’t alleviate the doubts that had crept in when she’d heard him thank Jonathan for getting him a job, talking about how lucky he was to have ran into him here. “I think… I need some time to think about all of this, Robert. It’s all happened so fast.”
“I understand.” She could hear the disappointment in every word Robert spoke. “Take your time, Carrie. I’m so sorry I’ve offended you. That’s the last thing in the world I would ever want to do.”
“No, it’s fine.” She could hear the sadness in her tone and knew it was a lie. It registered with him as well. The truth of the matter was, no matter how badly she wanted to just sweep it under the rug, what she’d heard him say when he thought she wasn’t listening hurt her to her core.
Robert lifted a hand and reached toward her, as if he might pat her on the shoulder, but then, thinking better of it, he dropped his hand to his side. “Whenever you’re ready to speak to me, I’ll be ready to listen, Carrie. You mean so much to me. I hope you know that.”
She found herself nodding but didn’t bother to open her mouth. If any words came tumbling between her lips at this point, they’d all sound wrong.
He gave her a weak smile, and then, without another word, slipped back through the door that separated her quarters from Jonathan’s.
There was no use trying to stop the tears from falling now. Carrie turned back toward the ocean and let them slip from her eyes, trailing down her cheeks and dripping from her chin into the vast abyss.
Had she really dreamed the whole situation? Was Robert really only in this for the money? It seemed foolish for her to think that he would go to such trouble to spend time with her when he already had Jonathan’s promise of an introduction to Mr. Ashton, but he wouldn’t be the first suitor to disappoint her. One by one, the faces of the other men she’d felt a connection to marched by in her mind’s eye, each of them more disappointing than the last.
There had been a time when she thought she might not marry at all. She’d resolved herself to living vicariously through Mr. and Mrs. Ashton and their happy family. While she’d never imagined she’d end up an old maid, her chances of meeting someone at her age were slim, especially since she spent most of her time in service to the Ashtons. From the moment she’d agreed to come on this trip, she’d been hoping she might meet someone. It wasn’t her only reason for saying yes, of course. She wanted the adventure and to do something to help her wonderful mistress, but at the end of the day, she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t had a bit of hope that maybe she’d be swept off her feet by some dashing young man.
And she had been. Not by just any gentleman but by the man she’d been pining over for years. Now, here they were with him in the other room contemplating his life choices and her crying salty tears into the ocean.
The moment she heard Jonathan step through the door, she started wiping at her cheeks, not wanting him to see her cry. He had to have known they hadn’t worked it out. He would’ve spoken to Robert. “Carrie?” His voice was soothing as he stood next to her. “What would you like to do for dinner? You don’t want to go back into the dining hall, do you?”
Immediately, she shook her head. “No, I think I’d rather eat in my room. Alone.”
“Would you like for me to join you? I don’t mind.”
“No, that’s okay.” Carrie knew he was just being polite. Jonathan enjoyed spending time with the other First Class passengers. For so many years, he’d been stuck with the other servants in the background. This voyage was his opportunity to shine as well, and she wouldn’t be the one to take that away from him.
“All right then. I’ll arrange for it. But Carrie, please don’t be upset. You have to know Robert truly does care for you. I know he’ll prove it to you.” Jonathan reached over and touched her shoulder.
“I hope so.” She turned to face him, fighting a quiver in her bottom lip. “We’ll be at Liverpool soon, though, and we’ll have business to attend to. We’ll all be on our way back to New York, and then, well, he’ll have a new life to start, with Mr. Ashton’s help.”
Jonathan nodded. “I think that’s the plan, but I’m certain that every dream he has for his future contains you in a starring role, Carrie.”
She nodded. “I hope so. Time will tell.”
“Try to get some rest. It’s been a rough day.” Jonathan gave her another sympathetic smile and then headed out.
Carrie’s stomach rumbled, but she wasn’t hungry. She’d pick at whatever was brought to her for dinner, but she couldn’t imagine eating much, not the way she was feeling.
Every dream she had of her future recently had contained Robert as well. Now, those images began to twist and turn into a nightmare where he was nowhere to be found and she was back in New York utterly alone.