Silence

Charlie was all alone in his own bedroom, sitting on the edge of his own bed, looking out the back window at the carriage house, wondering what Meg was doing. There was no way he could see her from here, partially due to the heavy drapery that covered the windows of the second story across the yard, but he imagined she was resting or possibly reading a book. He wondered if she felt all alone when there was no one with her or if she was suffering from the same sensation he was experiencing.
The voices wouldn’t stop. Even when other people were talking to him, even as he formulated responses to their questions, he could hear the constant noises of screaming, crying out, in the back of his mind. While having other people nearby lessened the effects to some degree, it never made them stop. When he was completely alone as he was now, there was nothing to dull the effect, and he could distinctly hear the individual voices, make out what they were saying, and envision their faces. It made him feel as if he were back in the water again, and the longer it went on, the more he could feel panic rising up inside of him. It was maddening to feel both all alone in the world and surrounded by others at the exact same time.
“Charlie? Did you hear me?”
He spun around to look over his shoulder, not even having realized Jonathan had entered the room. “Oh, Jonathan. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were here.”
“My apologies. I knocked and announced I was coming in.”
“I didn’t hear.”
There was a heavy silence for a moment, and Charlie imagined his friend was debating whether or not an inquiry as to how that was possible was polite or if he should just let it go. “The doctor is here to see you,” Jonathan said, clearly choosing the second option.
Charlie nodded and resituated himself on the fully made bed so that he was leaning back against the headboard, one leg crossed under the one still resting on the floor. “Have you been to check on Meg?”
“Not since I took her over. It’s only been a few hours.”
“Right,” Charlie nodded, his eyes returning to the carriage house.
“Charlie, is it going to bother you having her so nearby?”
He returned his gaze to Jonathan’s familiar face. “I honestly don’t know how it will affect me. I’ll be happy when we are married. I feel like no one else can possibly understand all that we’ve been through—except for you.”
Jonathan nodded and looked at the floor. Charlie knew he was fighting his own battle, but he wasn’t the sort who would want to talk about it. Meg, on the other hand, would be more forthcoming with her feelings, even if she didn’t quite handle them the same way most people did.
“Dr. Shaw is waiting downstairs. I’ll see him up.” Jonathan’s response was short, and Charlie realized he’d likely never break down the hard exterior to reveal whether or not Jonathan was having any lingering effects from the disaster. He’d have to watch his friend for other indications that all was not well.
Charlie observed him as Jonathan walked out the door. A few moments later, he heard the loud footsteps of Dr. Robert Shaw approaching his room and braced himself for yet another examination. He couldn’t have counted all of the inspections he’d undergone these past few days if he’d tried, and he knew he hadn’t even been awake for all of them. At least Dr. Shaw was familiar, and Charlie was more comfortable with him than the doctors he’d only just met because of the disaster.
Dr. Shaw was tall and rather large. He had dark black hair and chose to wear a full moustache and beard even though the latter wasn’t in fashion presently. He carried his medical bag and greeted Charlie with a jovial smile. “Mr. Ashton, it’s a pleasure to see you,” he said. Charlie began to rise, but the doctor insisted he stay seated. “Please, don’t get up. You know I’ve come to see if you’re well; there’s no reason to exert yourself.”
Even though Charlie was getting around much better now that he was home and had gotten the opportunity to walk around a bit, he was thankful not to have to stand just for standing’s sake. “It’s nice to see you, Dr. Shaw,” he said, managing a smile.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked as he took various tools out of his medical bag, including a stethoscope. “It’s been quite the ordeal, I hear. My cousin had a friend whose wife lost her best friend’s brother.”
Charlie wasn’t sure he followed all of that, but he imagined the doctor was attempting to say everyone knew someone who was affected by the disaster. “I’m feeling much better now, doctor, thank you,” Charlie assured him.
“Very good,” he replied. He sat down on the edge of the bed, causing the mattress to shift, and Charlie felt a bit off balance again. He took deep breaths to calm himself, reminding himself that the bed was not listing.
The doctor listened to his heart and other organs. He inspected his digits for frostbite and commented that he seemed to be healing nicely. “I have a salve for this,” he commented, pointing at the spots on Charlie’s finger that looked dead beyond repair. “No cough or congestion?” Dr. Shaw asked as he listened to Charlie’s chest and back.
“No, not that I am aware of.”
“Very good,” Dr. Shaw remarked. “And you’re able to get around well?”
“I suppose so,” Charlie shrugged. “I needed help to climb the stairs, but I managed.”
“Is your balance normal?”
“Most of the time. I haven’t walked much without holding onto someone or something just yet.”
The doctor nodded. “Well, Mr. Ashton, I think you should be just fine in a few weeks. I’d recommend you stay close to home at least for a while. Nothing strenuous. Your body is still trying to recover from the shock of it all. But you seem quite healthy to me. It probably helped tremendously that you were so fit before the experience.”
Charlie nodded, thinking it was rather odd to reduce an ocean liner sinking, killing over two thousand people, to “the experience.” But then, he had no idea what he might say if he were trying to carry on a conversation with someone from the other side either. “Dr. Shaw, I’ve been sleeping a lot recently, thanks to the medication they were giving me. Do you think I should be able to fall asleep on my own now that I’m no longer taking it?”
“It depends on what they were giving you, but I should think so,” the doctor nodded. “Do you happen to know what it was?”
“No,” Charlie admitted. He thought he might mention that it made him forgetful, but he kept that information to himself. He also thought he might mention the voices, but then, he didn’t think there was anything in Dr. Shaw’s black bag to help that either.
“I’d say give it a go when you feel tired, and see if you can go to sleep on your own. If not, there are remedies I can provide for you.”
That was exactly what Charlie was hoping to avoid. The last thing he wanted was another prescription that would make him feel like he wasn’t himself. He only nodded, and the doctor drew the salve he’d mentioned out of his bag and explained how to apply it and how often before setting it on the nightstand next to Charlie’s bed.
“Is there anything else?” Dr. Shaw asked, his eyebrows raised. He wore the same friendly expression he always did, and Charlie was tempted to trust him with the secret he was carrying—that even as the doctor stood before him, his mouth closed tightly, there were voices in the room. Charlie shook his head. “Very good then. I shall be back tomorrow to check on your progress. In the meantime, if anything comes up, ring the office.”
“Thank you very much, Dr. Shaw,” Charlie replied, offering his hand, which the large man enveloped before he let go and gathered up his bag.
“Your mother mentioned a young lady is staying in the carriage house who was also aboard the boat. Would you like for me to check on her while I’m here? Has she any injuries?”
So many phrases in the statement stood out to Charlie, he wasn’t even sure where to begin. A young lady? The boat? Any injuries? Charlie opened his mouth, as if he might attempt to explain away all of those misunderstandings, but instead he closed his mouth and continued to shake his head.
“No? All right then. I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Ashton.”
“Have a good afternoon, doctor,” Charlie replied, and he watched Dr. Shaw make his way back into the hallway, where he was certain Jonathan would scoop him up and see him out of the house.
Charlie rested his head against the headboard and glanced out the window. Perhaps Meg did need to see a physician, but he knew she wouldn’t want to see Dr. Shaw. She’d made that clear earlier. She was fine physically, but Charlie didn’t think it would be possible for her to be fully recovered mentally. Even now, in a room that should’ve been perfectly still, there was no silence. He took a deep breath and resituated on the bed, thinking perhaps a nap might be in order, if he could find a way to make his mind quiet enough to find sleep. He closed his eyes and saw their faces and knew in his heart his mind would never be quiet again.