Finding Her

“Mrs. Smythe!” Hannah let go of Carrie’s hand and ran across the hotel lobby to embrace the older woman who was sitting in a chair looking forlorn and half-frozen to death.
Hesitating for a moment, Carrie watched the scene unfold. Of course, she was overjoyed to see that Mrs. Smythe had made it off the ship alive, but if she was going to find a familiar face in the crowd, that was not the one she longed to see. Her eyes panned the crowd, but she didn’t see anyone else she knew.
Jonathan approached them. “I’m so glad you were able to find a seat on a lifeboat,” he told the older woman. “We were worried, but we couldn’t find you.”
“After the torpedo, I got up to look for Hannah, but I didn’t see you anywhere, and a gentleman offered to help me into a boat, so I went. There was no way a woman of my age was going to survive in that water. I thought a responsible gentleman such as yourself would find a way to get Hannah on a boat. I see that you managed to get yourself on one, too.”
The judgment in Mrs. Smythe’s voice had Carrie swallowing hard. Why would someone say something so cruel? Jonathan blinked a few times, and Carrie recognized that guilty expression beginning to creep onto his face.
Hannah explained the situation in a proper tone. “Mr. Lane had to get on the boat. The front was lowering far too quickly. He leaped down and cut us free, and everyone insisted he get in with us.” Her explanation left no room for arguments.
Before Mrs. Smythe could reply, a woman dressed in a uniform came over. “We’ve got a room for you now, Mrs. Smythe,” she said. “Oh, and I see you’ve found your charge. Wonderful.” She turned and looked at Carrie and Jonathan. “Hello there. I believe we have a room we can put the two of you in as well. Would you and your wife like to follow me, sir?”
Carrie’s mouth dropped open. It wasn’t the first time someone had mistaken them for a couple. “We’re not–”
“Yes, thank you,” Jonathan said quickly. “That would be wonderful.”
The woman smiled as Carrie raised her eyebrows at her friend. He shook his head dismissively, and the four of them followed the woman to a set of stairs that seemed to lead to the heavens. Her legs still a bit numb, Carrie didn’t know if she’d make the climb, and Mrs. Smythe had even more trouble. They took their time, and Jonathan helped the woman who’d been so unkind to him.
Finally, they managed to reach the small room at the end of the hallway. Hannah and Mrs. Smythe were in the room across from them. The girl hugged Carrie and Jonathan and went inside with her governess, and Carrie wondered if she’d ever see her again. She hoped so.
“We’ve had some soup and sandwiches delivered. I’ll see if I can find a change of clothing for you both and bring them over,” the kind maid said.
Jonathan thanked her and she left, closing the door behind her.
“We’re sharing a bed?” Carrie asked, looking at a mattress that barely seemed big enough for one.
“I’ll sleep on the floor. I knew we needed to take whatever accommodations we could, Carrie. There are a lot of people still looking for rooms down there.”
He wasn’t wrong. The two of them sat down to eat, and Carrie realized just how cold, hungry, and tired she truly was. They devoured the food with little conversation. All she could think about was the others. Not just those waiting for a room, those who were injured, but also those who would never sit down for a meal again.
Mostly, though, she thought about Robert.
By the time they’d finished, the woman was back with some nightclothes and a change of clothing for the next day. She explained she’d done her best on the sizing. Carrie thanked her, and she left. For a moment, she lamented all the new clothing she’d lost, but that was nothing compared to what so many others had parted with.
There was no privacy in the small room, so the pair of them took turns stepping out into the hallway while the other changed. When Carrie let Jonathan back into the room, she said, “I think the floor will be quite uncomfortable. Do you think Edward will mind if we share the bed?”
He chuckled. “I think it will be the only amusing situation to come of any of this.”
She laughed, too, and for a moment she let herself forget the horror of that day.
Back to back, the two of them lay down, sharing a blanket and what promised to be a night full of horrible dreams.
The next morning, Carrie awoke thinking it was odd the boat had stopped moving. Before she even opened her eyes, a flood of memories hit her, and she remembered she was no longer on a boat. The rocking sensation she’d grown accustomed to was faint now, a residual effect from being at sea. But she was on dry land now.
Sitting up, she couldn’t help but say his name. “Robert!”
The room was empty. Where was Jonathan? She glanced around and saw the change of clothing he’d been given was gone. Knowing her friend, she imagined he was already out looking for Robert. That was just how Jonathan was.
Carrie got dressed and went downstairs, hoping to find a more peaceful situation than the one she’d witnessed the night before for everyone else’s sake, but if anything, it was more chaotic. People wandered around the hotel lobby, most of them women, and many of them crying or asking anyone who walked by if they’d seen a loved one. One woman had a locket open and was asking about a little boy. Carrie’s eyes filled with tears. How had the lady gotten separated from her son?
Out of nowhere, Jonathan appeared in front of her and handed her a small apple. “Good morning.”
“Is it?” she asked dryly.
“Not in the least,” he admitted. “Eat that, and then come with me.”
“Can’t I eat it and come with you?” she asked before taking a bite.
He shook his head. “No. Where we’re going, you won’t have any appetite.”
She took a deep breath. “You didn’t find him, did you?”
“No, but I haven’t done much looking. I’ve been out asking questions, trying to figure out where he might be.”
“And?” She swallowed and bit off another chunk, knowing she needed to eat, even if her mouth felt dry, and it was difficult to swallow.
“And what I’ve discovered is that we may not find him no matter what the circumstances are, not easily anyway. Some of the survivors were taken to other towns. And many of the… others… have not been located yet.”
Bodies. He meant many of the bodies. She could only nod, not able to think about her sweet Robert as just that–an empty body. No soul, no life. No smile.
“They are laying out the less fortunate passengers and trying to identify them,” he explained as Carrie finished her apple and looked around for a place to discard the core. She tossed it into a wastebasket and followed him out into the street.
The scene out here was much like the one in the hotel. Everywhere she looked, Carrie saw weeping women and other lost souls wandering around looking for their loved ones. The closer they got to the area where the bodies were being laid out, the more bereaved the crowd became.
Despite the possibility of further confusing everyone they encountered, Carrie reached over and took Jonathan’s hand. He gave hers a squeeze and pulled it up so that her arm was through his. The pair of them joined the queue of survivors looking over the faces of the lost.
The first body Carrie saw was a small child, and she nearly broke down in tears. His pale face, blue lips, and utter stillness seemed so hard to grasp. No one should have to die so young and innocent.
Jonathan moved her along quickly, their eyes rapidly moving from one departed soul to the next. With each new focus on facial features, Carrie tried to brace herself. What was she going to do if her gaze landed on a familiar face? What if she found Robert among the crowd?
She heard Jonathan’s gasp before her eyes had caught up to his, and for a moment, she assumed the worst. But when her gaze finally shifted to the face of the man lying there, cold and stiff, it wasn’t Robert.
It was Victor.
Despite despising the man, Carrie still gave a startled cry and covered her mouth with both hands. “Oh, God,” she muttered, shaking her head. Even though he had treated her, and others, terribly, no one deserved to die like that.
“Do you know this man?” one of the volunteers from Queenstown asked.
Jonathan answered since Carrie couldn’t form words. “Yes. That’s Victor Anderson.”
“The Victor Anderson?” someone else asked.
“That’s right. The New York City millionaire from the affluent family,” Jonathan continued. “We spoke to him many times aboard the ship.”
“Oh, dear.” The workers exchanged a look. “We’ll need to notify someone.”
Carrie didn’t want to listen to the rest of their conversation. She hoped the notification had to do with identifying the body and not the fact that someone so rich had gone down with the ship, but she couldn’t let thoughts of inequality fill her mind at a time like this. It seemed quite clear the Atlantic had no opinions when it came to station or how much money one was worth.
Still clutching Jonathan’s arm, Carrie made her way through the collection of macabre forms, some of them in a ghastly state while others looked as if they’d just drifted off to sleep. When they were done checking that location, they went to another and then down to the docks where more bodies were being brought ashore.
When she couldn’t find Robert anywhere, Carrie was grateful, but that didn’t stop the longing in her heart. If he wasn’t here, where was he? And could she continue to hope that he was alive?
A list had been compiled of all the people who’d been identified, and his name was not on it. Nor was he among the list of the living she’d put her own name on the day before. It seemed that Robert had just vanished from the face of the earth.
Later that evening, when they returned to the hotel, a fellow stopped them to let them know that transportation would be provided the next day. They’d take a train and then a ferryboat. Jonathan pulled her aside. “Do you want to go or continue to look?”
Tears welled up in Carrie’s eyes. She’d come here to do a job, and she needed to finish it, but what if Robert was here somewhere and she’d just missed him? “I don’t know.”
“There’s a chance Robert will be headed there as well,” Jonathan reminded her. “After all, he knows that’s where you were going.”
He made a good point. Carrie nodded. “I think we should go then.”
With a deep breath, Jonathan said, “We’ll find him, Carrie.”
“I know we will,” she replied, but inside, she wasn’t so sure.
With every passing moment, she was beginning to lose hope, and that was a dangerous thing.