Chapter 13: Conflicting Feelings

I stared blankly at my ceiling as I laid on my back. Both of my hands were on my chest as I struggled to ignore my heartbeat that drummed within my ears. I feel lost and confused, but happy and certain. I'm not used to the combination, it's truly odd. Happiness takes me up and then anxiety immediately brings me back down, so in that combination I could only lie still on my bed to try to understand these feelings. I am like a tangled ball of yarn. The parts that are untangled are still available and usable, while the rest is a mess and useless until it is untied. That mess is a perfect reflection of what I'm feeling: endless and unyielding.

I touched my lips gingerly as I started to recall our kiss. Red leaked into my cheeks as I nervously smiled and bit my lower lip. This was honestly all I thought about last night and this morning. I tried ignoring his calls and texts because I didn't know what to do or say after that.

I even called in sick today because I didn’t even have the guts to face him. Even though I am ecstatic about the fact that he likes me back, I can’t help but feel conflicted, knowing that the reason why I left that night without a trace is because of his work. I groaned loudly as I grabbed a pillow beside me and placed it on my face in frustration.

“I really like him though.” I mumbled sadly.

“But I can’t!” I exclaimed as I sat up abruptly, more determined than ever.

I suddenly slumped my shoulders as I let out an exasperated sigh.

“But--” I cut myself short, shaking my head to snap me out of the debate that I am having with myself. I need to call Ellie, knowing that hearing another perspective will help make my decision easier. I stretched lazily to grab my phone on the desk beside my bed and I scowled at the messages I’ve received.

They’re mostly work related, making me annoyed that they’re still messaging me even though I am on leave. I ignored all of their messages and tried to search for me and Ellie’s chat. I paused mid-scroll when I saw that Arthur texted me as well.

From: Arthur Williams
I heard you’re sick. Are you okay?

My thumb hovered over the keyboard as I contemplated on whether or not I should reply. I pursed my lips into a thin line as I decided to exit our chat and call Ellie instead.

I put it on speaker as the phone rang. I laid back down again and placed the phone next to my ear. My conflicting thoughts and feelings have really drained the life out of me. I don’t even have the energy to hold it up next to my ear.

“Hello?” Relief washed over me as I heard Ellie’s voice. “What’s up?”

“I’ve got a problem.” I said with a sad sigh. It would be much better if Ellie was here in front of me, but it’s good that I get to hear her voice.

“Okay, I’m all ears.” It took me a while to explain the entire story. I told her everything that happened since our one night stand along with my own thoughts and feelings regarding each situation. Ellie remained silent the whole time, listening intently to me. It took me almost two hours to tell her everything. I’m grateful that she has made some time to listen to me babble about some boy problem.

“I think that’s the whole story.” I said as I tried to remember if I missed any important details.

“Wow.” She muttered. “I’m speechless.”

I arched an eyebrow as I turned to my side to face my phone. All I could see is her profile picture and her name but it felt comforting to see it. “Is that all you’ve got to say?”

“Honestly, you’re missing this amazing opportunity to date the young and hot CEO of one of the biggest companies in the state.” She said bluntly. “It’s a total waste to reject him too.” I heard her let out a deep sigh. “But if you feel so strongly about it then, I’ll support you.”

I remained silent. I honestly didn’t know what to say. Ellie is right. It is a big waste and it’s not fair to compare Arthur to Kevin. I breathed out a deep sigh. “You’re right.” I said softly.

It was then I suddenly heard something shuffling from the other side of the line and Ellie whispering to someone else. “Sandra, I’m sorry I have to go. I still have work, but please update me on what you’ve decided!” She said apologetically.

“Tha--” Before I could even finish my sentence, she hung up.

I tossed and turned around in bed. I was torn apart on what I should do with this situation. A part of me thought that I should reject him because it’s not right and another ached to be with him. Thinking deeply made me even more confused. What was I supposed to do?

Then I heard the doorbell rang loudly, disrupting my thoughts. I walked over to see who it was.

“Yes, can I help you?” I opened to see a delivery guy holding a basket of flowers in his hand. Is he lost? He must got the wrong apartment number.

“Are you Ms. Sandra Bailey?” He asked while looking at the paper in his other hand. I gave him a confused look. If I remember correctly, I didn’t order anything.

“Yes…” I answered unsure. “But I didn’t buy a bucket of flowers.” I added awkwardly. He didn’t seem fazed with my replies, in fact, he almost looked bored and wanted to get this over with.

“Please sign here, it’s already been paid for don’t worry.” He handed me a paper with my name on it and asked me to sign at the bottom. I just did as he ordered and he left hurriedly without any second thought. I closed the door to check the flowers if there was any note in it. Thankfully, I found a small envelope inside and opened it. Reading the note inside made my heart leap with happiness.

To: Sandra

I hope you get well soon. Here’s some flowers to help you recuperate. I hope you like them.

Love,
Arthur

I smelled the roses he gave and it instantly made my heart flutter at his romantic gesture. I decided to go back to my room along with the flowers and set it in the vase. Looking at the set of roses, it made me think back on my current dilemma. What should I do now?

I paced back and forth in my room, trying to think of my next move. I decided to call him to thank him personally. As I dialed his number, it made me anxious making my hand sweat.

“Hey, did you like the flowers?” He said as soon as the call connected. I felt my heart skip a beat when I heard his low and husky voice. Hearing his voice made me happy for some reason.

“Yeah I did, I just wasn’t expecting it.” I replied as a smile crept up to my face. “Are you available tonight? I just wanted to return the favor.” I added shyly as I looked down on my hands. I somehow felt nervous waiting for his answer.

“Hmm… Let me check my schedule.” I heard some shuffling in his line. It was then I heard him stop abruptly. “Wait, aren’t you sick?” He asked teasingly as my eyes widened in realization. Sandra, you’re an idiot! I smacked my forehead with the palm of my head in frustration as I shook my head in disappointment. I can’t believe it slipped my mind!

“Uhhh…” I trailed off. I didn’t know what to say. What could I even say to my boss that caught me pretending to be sick?

“Sandra…” His voice was stern and serious now, sending shivers down my spine. I’m in trouble.

“I’m so sorry!” I blurted out, scared that I might lose my job. He roared in amusement, making me sigh in relief.

“I’m just kidding you. It’s alright. I used to do that before.” He assured teasingly as I let out an awkward laugh. That’s not a funny joke, Arthur.

“Anyway, I’m free tonight, so… Is this a date?” The tone of his voice was laced with playfulness and excitement. I could already imagine his smirking expression as a chuckle softly escaped my lips.

“Maybe.” I said mischievously to which he let out a chortle.

“That settles it then, it’s a date.” I didn’t miss the confidence in his voice when he declared it as a date. “Let’s meet at L’Atellier at 8.” He added enthusiastically, making me laugh. A wave of mixed emotions instantly washed over me. I was both excited and nervous at the same time.

“Okay, bye…” I trailed off as we both said our goodbyes. As soon as I ended the call, it was then that I only remembered my crisis earlier. I facepalmed myself because I got carried away with the flowers he sent me. I threw myself on my bed and groaned in frustration on my pillow. What am I gonna do now?

I let out a deep sigh. I still have time to prepare and think this through.

I then searched through my wardrobe to find the perfect dress for tonight. I chose a black spaghetti strap velvet dress and decided to apply natural looking makeup. While I was applying my makeup, I finally reached a resolution to reject Arthur. I would rather choose my career, as much as it pains me to let Arthur go.

I arrived much earlier at the restaurant. Waiting for Arthur made me uneasy making me fidget in my seat. How should I tell him? Would he be disappointed in meeting me tonight? I was drowning myself with anxiety, waiting for him to arrive. It made my heart beat restlessly inside my chest.

It was then I saw a familiar figure approaching the table, making me smile nervously.

This is it, I need to face the music.