Chapter 30: Breaking My Silence

It is now or never.

Finally the day I've been dreading is here and I can't halt the dawn ebbing its gradual way into daylight. Everything hinges on what I do now, and once done, it can never be undone. I knew that my life will never be the same once I publicly share my story, and I’m still unsure if I’m fine with that. All of the reasons not to do this suddenly came flooding in, as if my body chemistry has just sent them a blanket invitation. I felt the soft panic grow within me as I watched Ellie busily set up the room. She organized and decorated my background for the video, laid out the clothes that I will wear and she also set up her camera for filming. I wanted to help her but I was so nervous that I felt like my legs would give in. I took a deep breath as I started to have second thoughts about this.

I knew that the anxiety that I am feeling will fade if I back away, but then I have to do all of this again another time. Kevin is not going to stop harassing me until I completely leave the entertainment industry. I did not want to let myself be succumbed to this abuse anymore. I want to finally live freely and happily again. Even if I won’t be able to pursue my dreams as a celebrity makeup and hair stylist anymore, I knew that it is better to work a minimum wage job, knowing that I have made a difference, than to continue wiping tables and serving snobby customers, knowing that I could have done better.

“I think I’m almost done.” Ellie announced as her eyes were locked on the screen. She was typing something as she tapped her foot against the floor impatiently. I nodded in response as I placed a hand on my chest, feeling my relentless and fast-paced heart beat pulsating under my fingertips.

I knew that this anxiety within me will grow if I let these thoughts swirl into a vortex of stupidity, eating their own tail. Or I can breathe real slow, let the thoughts leak into the ether and be the real boss of me.

I am a survivor.

Even when I’ve been nothing but a coward before, I am a survivor.

Even when I felt lost and defeated, I am still a survivor.

I kept my head down and tried to move on from everything that happened before, and yet he still continued to harass me and ruin the life that I deserved.

I inhaled sharply as I clenched my hands into tight fists. “I can do this.” I muttered to myself as my eyes fell to my hands on my lap.

“Yes, you can!” Ellie exclaimed, making me jump from my seat. My eyes widened in shock when she was standing there in front of me with the clothes that she wanted me to wear for the shoot. “It’s ready.”

The next thing I knew I was already sitting in front of the camera, dressed in the outfit that Ellie has chosen for me. I've been so lost in my thoughts for the evening ahead that I'm surprised to see how far I've come.

“You can do it!” She voiced out as she stood behind the camera. I forced a small smile as she began her countdown. “In 3, 2, 1...” She mouthed as she did the sign of the numbers with her hands. “Action!” She gestured to me to start speaking as she started to roll the camera.

“Hi! I’m Sandra Bailey. I’m here to share my story about Kevin Butler. All of you might know him since he is a famous producer.” I began nervously, my lips quivering as I spoke.

It’s too late to back out now.

“Uh, first of all, let me tell you the reason why I shot this video.” I dug my nails into my moist hands, trying to keep myself focused and coherent. The slight pain that I felt from this kept me awake and attentive. “It's because I couldn’t handle anymore all the emotional abuse and stress brought by Mr. Butler.” I continued reluctantly as I looked at Ellie and she flashed me a thumbs up. Her smile suddenly reassured me to keep going as it gave me a boost of confidence.

Yes, I can definitely do this.

“I reached this point because he has continued to harass girls like me and I could no longer tolerate it anymore. I know that breaking my silence would entail repercussions that would directly affect me but it’s time that I finally spoke up. I can’t let a man like him get away unscathed and untainted.” I confidently stared at the camera as these words left my lips. I felt like a woman possessed as the aura around me changed. At that moment, I felt like I exuded confidence, power and strength.

No more hiding.

“Let me start at the beginning…” The memories flooded inside my mind like a tsunami, making me flinch at the sudden rush of it all. I exhaled deeply.

“I met Mr. Butler when I became a hair and makeup stylist in KB Studios.” My grin widened as I recalled all the makeup looks I’ve created, the photo shoots I’ve participated in, and the people I’ve met during my time there. My face fell immediately when I suddenly remembered Diane’s twitter post. I guess I was the only one who enjoyed my presence there.

“Back then, he treated me very kindly. He would compliment me from time to time and he eventually sent flowers to show his interest towards me.” I paused and the expression on my face darkened a little. I remember everything like it was just yesterday.

“It made me believe that his intentions to me were pure.” I furrowed my eyebrows in disappointment, shaking my head wistfully at my stupid actions. I couldn’t believe that I was so gullible and naive back then that I even ignored all the red flags that he showed me. I really am an idiot.

“Then one time, he went to my apartment drunk. He said that he wanted to be sexually intimate with me.” I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach as these words left my lips. I pursed my lips into a thin. I’m already at this point.

Alright, Sandra you can do this!

I kept chanting these thoughts in my head to convince myself that I’ll be able to go through this.

I breathed in heavily as I plucked up enough courage to continue my story. “Seeing him like this was new to me since he only showed me his good side and so I quickly declined him and tried to send him home.” By now, I can feel my throat drying up as tears started to form in my eyes. I bit my lower lip, struggling to keep everything together.

“It was during this that he sexually took advantage of me in my very own apartment.” As the memories of that day came flooding back in like a dam, I also felt the hot tears drop one by one. I still couldn’t get myself to tell this part without crying. As I cried, my bottom lip quivered, the same as a baby that pushed past endurance. My eyes became glacier under the sheen of water, constant, yet allowing the tears to flow without pause. In that moment, in seeing my own reflection through the small lens of the camera, I understood the depth of pain that had been sitting below my skin.

It was then I saw through my tears Ellie disappearing to go get something. I took a deep, shaky breath. I have to continue.

“I tried my best to escape from him. I was able to push him and I ran towards the kitchen to get something to protect myself.” I tried to stifle my sobs at first as I desperately attempted to hide my grief but I was immediately overcome by the wave of emotions that broke me down entirely, all my defenses washed away in those salty tears.

When Ellie came back, she handed me a box of tissues. When I turned my face to look at her, her eyes widened at the expression I had on my face. I was a picture of grief, shame and devastation. It was the face of someone who desperately wanted to save other people from experiencing the same traumatizing thing.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding as I gently dabbed the tissue on my face to wipe my tears. I was worried about the eyeliner and mascara that I had on; I probably look like a raccoon right now. “I’m sorry, I got carried away.” I muttered apologetically but Ellie just waved her hand at me, urging to continue.

I pressed my lips together as I cleared my throat to continue. The story is almost over, Sandra.

“He destroyed some of my stuff because he felt frustrated that he wasn’t able to have his way with me.” I tried to sound nonchalant as if I didn’t shed tears earlier. I didn’t want people to think that I was being manipulative and weak.

“He told me that he only wanted to get close to me because I was too easy and naive. He only wanted someone he can easily manipulate and dispose of after.” My eyes fell to the ground as I was immediately dominated by profound sadness, fatigue engraved on my worn face. It was always hard for me to tell this story.

I just wanted it to be over.

“Eventually I kicked him out of my house. But the following day, he started to spread some nasty rumors about me saying that I was just some easy girl who slept with him just to be where I was.” I scowled in disgust upon recalling the look that he had on his face that day. As he watched people spread rumors about me and look at me as if I’m some kind of monster, he was observing from the side with a malicious grin on his face. I remembered the look on mine when I realized that he was responsible for all of this - an expression of shock, betrayal and defeat.

“The rumors spread like wildfire and I was forced to quit my job.” I let out a long and tired sigh as I finished the back story at last. I looked into the camera lens again and I frowned as I noticed that my makeup was already smudged. I glanced at Ellie and she gave me a nod, assuring me that I should do it.

I gazed into the camera lens again, my face was now serious as I was very determined to expose Kevin and show the world his true colors. “So that’s what happened before but recently Mr. Butler still decided to harass me because of a misunderstanding.”

“He sent me these threatening messages to discourage me from working in the entertainment industry again.” I pulled out my phone to show it. I slowly moved my finger and scrolled down to show everyone each message he sent me. I then read a couple of them out loud just in case they weren’t able to read it.

After finishing reading some of the messages, I closed my phone and stared deeply into the camera. “I will not be bullied anymore by Mr. Butler. Enough is enough.”

I’ll live by with these words from now on.

I won’t let anyone trample on me anymore.

“Alright, that’s a wrap!” Ellie said happily as we both finished shooting. I let out a sigh of relief as I slumped in my chair.

I can’t believe I actually did that.

“How was it?” I asked her curiously as I mustered up the energy to stand up. My eyes widened in shock as I stumbled a bit backwards. My legs felt weak, almost like jelly. I felt like I was going to drop to the floor. I held on to the closest thing next to me, trying to steady my balance. The nervousness that I felt really took over my body completely.

“Are you okay, Sandra?” Ellie asked worriedly as she made the initiative to approach me. I raised my hand to stop her, making her pause mid-step. I forced myself to move near her to see the whole film. She placed a hand on my shoulder for support, worried that I might suddenly collapse.

“I’m fine, Ellie. It’s okay.” I gave her a small smile as I gently touched her hand and moved it away from my shoulder. “Let me see it.”

“It’s great.” She stepped aside to show me the entire clip. I watched intently, noticing every little movement I made. As soon as we reached the part where I started sobbing, I internally cringed at my ugly crying face. Good thing I only cried once, I couldn’t bear to see myself crying again.

As soon as we finished everything, I turned to her. “Thank God, we’re done. The only thing left is to upload these to the world.” I immediately felt anxious as these words left my lips. My heartbeat started picking up its pace at the thought of everyone listening to my story. I couldn’t help but think about what other people might think or say about the video.

I pressed my lips together. I know that I have to stay strong, no matter what they say.

“Yes, I’ll just edit some final touches then your story will be introduced to the public.” Ellie muttered seriously as she inserted the memory card into her laptop. She then carried the laptop and her camera as she went to the couch. I followed closely behind her as she sat down to start working.

“Wish me luck.” I murmured, as I crossed my fingers jokingly. Ellie let out a small chuckle in response before she started working on the video.

As soon as she was done, she looked at me to show me the entire video. A smile of satisfaction crept to my lips as I nodded my head in approval. We then both looked at each other, knowing that it’s finally time.

“Are you ready?” She asked as her mouse hovered over the “publish” button.

“I’m--” I cut myself short as self-doubt started to sink in. Am I really ready to change my life forever?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I recalled everything that I’ve gone through so far, reigniting the determination that I had a while ago.

“Yes.”