Chapter 37: With a Push of a Button

I’ve always wondered why cleaning was so therapeutic for me.

For that brief moment, my mind is captivated by the clean and smooth surface of the table. I’ve always seen cleaning as a form of ritual, or repetitive behavior that’s repeated and predictable. This is my break from constantly worrying about what will come next. My mind is empty but fully alert, aware, and not distracted by any mental chatter. Instead of replaying memories and dwelling on negative thoughts in my mind, I am finally in the moment.

I only get to experience this sense of inner peace when the diner is finally closed for customers. I am free from snobby and demanding customers, sloppy leftovers and mouth watering food that I can’t even taste. Kyle left early today because he had to attend his daughter’s recital, and left Ralph, as expected, in charge. Ralph was busy cleaning the kitchen along with our other co-workers while I was tasked to mop the floors and wipe the tables in preparation for tomorrow’s customers.

I let out a long sigh as I squeezed the dirty rag, releasing the dark and murky water. I grimaced in disgust before I returned it back to where I got it.

“Are you done?” Ralph asked from the other side of the room, making me turn to look at him. He was wiping his hands on the apron of his uniform.

I shook my head. “Not yet, I still have to mop the floors.” I said tiredly as I flashed him a close lipped smile.

“Want some help?” He asked nonchalantly as he took off his hat that came with our uniform and his hairnet. “I’m done anyway with the kitchen.”

I waved my hands in front of me, rejecting his offer. “I can do this on my own.” I said as I quickly grabbed the mop and hugged the handle close to my chest, showing that it’s only for me. “I would like it though if you kept me company.” I added playfully.

He let out a soft chuckle as he plopped down on one of the seats. “Okay then.” My grin widened as I continued to get to work. I was focused once again on mopping the floor. My mind was blank as I watched the floor shine wherever I went. I was at peace again - I needed this kind of predictability in my life. Life has been so troublesome lately ever since I started working at Williams, Inc. I let out a soft groan.

I don’t need to think about that for now.

My grip tightened on the mop’s handle as I remembered the lies Kevin said in his statement. How dare he do this? My knuckles went white from clenching my fist too hard as I gritted my teeth in an attempt to remain silent. It was always like this, despite having proof of him sending me threatening messages, my attempts of being heard are still disregarded and my story is still considered to be “impossible to verify”, as it is with the vast majority of sexual assault allegations. It is nearly always a case of “he said, she said” and it disgusts me, knowing that the “he’ is always believed. Our society has always been biased towards believing that men can never lie leaving women like me feeling the same thing - hopeless, lost, and defeated.

I bit my lower lip as my face started to become warm and red with suppressed rage. It is not fair that men like him can just get away with doing such disgusting and heinous acts, while women are condemned for allowing ourselves to become a victim. This is why women don’t bother to report, and this is why women continue to be afraid of men like him until the point that we have to be equipped with pepper sprays and small knives whenever we walk at night.

It’s unfair.

And the sad thing is, I don’t know how to make it fair.

I’ve tried to stay strong and continued to hold my head up high even when some people didn’t believe me but how can I ever do that now when it’s his word over mine and obviously, his word would be considered the more “valid” one.

“Sandra, are you okay?” Ralph’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. His hand was on my shoulder while his other hand was handing me a tissue. I scowled in confusion. Why is he giving me tissue?

I gingerly touched my face, feeling that my cheeks were wet from my tears. I couldn’t believe that I was crying.

I quickly wiped my face with the back of my hand and gave him a small smile. I knew that I should stay strong, even when it feels like it’s a losing battle. That’s the only way that I would make it out of this war between us alive.

“I’m fine. It’s nothing.” I said assuringly.

“Are you sure?” He asked worriedly as he pulled me gently, forcing me to take a seat. “Rest for a bit.” With a sigh, I succumbed to his wishes and sat down in front of him.

“I’m fine, I swear.” I said casually as I flashed him a big yet forced smile.

“You’re not telling me something.” Ralph folded his arms in front of his chest as he leaned his back against the seat. I arched my eyebrow at him in confusion as he stared at me expectantly for an answer. “Sandra, I know.” My eyes widened at his words. I know how fast things circulate on the internet but I still can’t get myself to get accustomed to people close to me seeing the video.

I let out a long sigh. “I’m sorry for not telling you about it beforehand.” I muttered apologetically as I stared at him. His eyes became sad as we looked at each other. “It’s jus-” I wanted to explain myself but he cut me off.

“It’s fine, you don’t need to apologize. I understand how hard it must have been for you.” He said reassuringly. “I’m always here if you need anything.” He reached for my hand and squeezed it. His gesture made me smile.

“Thank you, Ralph. Actually, I’m not sad about it anymore. I was just angry at Kevin’s statement.” I replied to clarify that I was fine with talking about my experience.

“Yeah, I also saw that.” He uttered bitterly as his eyebrows furrowed in disgust.

“I’m actually scared to check what people have to say about it. I know they’ll side with him.” A rush of anxiousness filled my stomach as I thought about the hate comments I’ll get.

Ralph’s eyebrows shot up in confusion as these words left my lips. I just tilted my head at his befuddled expression. “It’s actually not what you think.” He explained. “As a matter of fact, a lot of people sided with you.” He added.

“Really? How is that possible?” I looked at him questioningly. He gestured to me to check my phone. I hurriedly pulled out my phone and searched for the article with Kevin’s statement. I scrolled down quickly to the comments section. My heartbeat quickened in anticipation. Ralph moved next to me to also take a peek at the comments. I gasped and my hand went up to my mouth as I read the first few comments. I went down further to read more. My eyes were welling up as I couldn’t believe the amount of encouragement people wrote in the comment section.

“See I told you!” Ralph muttered beside me. I looked at him with a silly smile plastered on my face. It felt great to be able to receive a huge amount of support from the public.

I couldn’t contain the happiness I was feeling inside me that I hugged him excitedly. “I was just not expecting this kind of reaction from everyone.” I voiced out as he embraced me back. “If you didn’t tell me about this, I wouldn’t have it in me to read this.” I added as I pulled away.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” He waved his hand dismissively, gesturing that it wasn’t a big deal.

“I’m really thankful for all the things you’ve done for me, Ralph. I appreciate them all.” I beamed to him with undisguised admiration as I smiled at him to which he also returned.

“No worries, I’m glad I could help.” He retorted with a shrug.

“I owe you a meal to compensate for everything you’ve done.” I said jokingly, making the both of us laugh. That reminds me, I still need to tell him about what happened with Arthur. I suddenly remembered the phone call where I asked Ralph to convince Kyle to take me back. Crap! I almost forgot about that. “Speaking of owing you something, I still have to tell you about why I quit Williams, Inc.” I began hesitantly.

His eyes widened as he realized what I was talking about. “Oh yeah, you didn’t tell me what happened yet.” He responded.

With a sigh, I began telling him the whole story. I dared not to leave any single detail out. From the night I met Arthur as Sandy and the moment I met him as Sandra to the last time we spoke in person and the text he sent me. I recalled everything like it was just yesterday. After I was done, I felt my heart ache as I missed him so much. I wish I could just muster up the courage to call him and tell him that I miss him.

“You should talk to him.” Ralph urged persistently, his eyes held a glint of excitement as he leaned in anticipation. I bit my lower lip, hesitant of doing this. I felt nervous just thinking about calling him, let alone talking to him.

“I don’t think I can,” I murmured as I shook my head wistfully. “Besides, what should I say to him?” I gazed at him, trying to look for the answers in his face.

“Just be yourself, you’ll figure it out.” I let out a loud groan as these words left his lips. I think it’s a bad idea to be myself. But then again, I reminded myself that from now on I will not hide who I am anymore.

I let out a sigh of defeat as I took his advice. “Wish me luck.” I muttered worriedly. Ralph just placed a hand on my shoulder from across the table as if to give me strength.

I pulled out my phone and searched for his number. My heart rate quickened as my thumb hovered over Arthur’s number. “Just do it, Sandra!” I mumbled to myself in frustration.

I inhaled sharply and pressed the call button. I instantly felt anxious as soon as I heard the ringing on the other line. My hands began to moist as I felt my heart pounding inside my chest.

As soon as the call connected, all the butterflies in my stomach went wild and my heart skipped a beat as I heard his familiar voice.

“Hello, Sandra.”