Chapter 23: Cowardice at its Finest

His face fell as realization struck. In that instant his skin greyed, his mouth hung with his lips slightly parted as his eyes were as wide as they could stretch.

The moment I saw the look of realization on Arthur’s face is when I realized that I have made a grave mistake.

“Arthur…” I trailed off as I felt my anxiety build within me like an unstoppable snowball in the pit of my stomach. I stared at him intently in the grip of silent panic. Everything around me seemed to go in slow motion. I was only focused on him. My heart started to beat harder and faster as I felt my adrenaline levels rise. My brain was immediately filled with negative thoughts as I opened and closed my mouth, desperately thinking of something to say to save this.

However, that look on his face was enough for me to confirm that there was no point trying to hide it any longer. “I’m so--” I heard my name being called frantically from a distance, making me cut myself short.

I snapped my head towards the source of the voice as my eyebrows were furrowed in frustration. The exasperated expression on my face was immediately replaced with a confused and worried one when I saw Joe running towards me.

“You’re needed backstage.” He said in between breaths as he rested his hands on his knees to take a break. I turned to look at Arthur first, checking to see that if it’s okay that I should go, especially since we were about to talk about something serious. He pursed his lips into a thin line as he breathed out a very heavy sigh.

“Go where you’re needed.” He said solemnly as he gave a small nod, gesturing me towards Joe. I stared at him for a while, examining his face to try and understand what he’s thinking right now. He looked away as his eyes fell to the floor. A frown formed my lips as I felt my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. He must hate me.

I quickly followed Joe soon after to the backstage to assist him with the agenda for today. I brought out my small notebook as I quickly read through my notes, trying to refresh my memory. My encounter with Arthur a while ago suddenly made me absentminded. Worry started to consume me as I thought about the consequences I have to face, knowing that Arthur has finally realized the truth. My shoulders suddenly started to become tremendously heavy, weighing me down and leaving me paralyzed.

Even though I was looking down at my notebook, I couldn’t focus on the words that were written on it. Instead, my eyes were locked at this wobbly line on the page due to a printing error as I placed a hand on my chest, trying to calm myself down. I could feel the racing beat of my heart pulsating under my fingertips.

Sandra, you need to calm down.

“Sandra?” My thoughts were interrupted when I heard Joe call my name. I snapped my head towards him to see a worried look on his face.

“Are you alright?” He asked, his voice was laced with concern as he approached me. I nodded my head slowly, trying my best to mask the anxious expression on my face as I tried to ease my nerves. I need to focus. I can handle my Arthur problem later.

I took a deep, shaky breath as I continued on with my tasks for the next few hours. I tried to distract myself as much as possible with the work at hand, but it was difficult to do so when every once in a while, Arthur and I would make eye contact.

Our eyes met once again and I quickly looked away. I focused on untangling the wires of the lapel mic for the next speaker. It was then I noticed from the corner of my eye that he was walking towards me. My heart started to pound inside of my chest as the task in front of me started to become more difficult. My shaky and moist hands couldn’t suddenly untangle the small knots, making me frustrated with my incompetence.

You can do this, Sandra. Just ignore him.

“Sandra--” Arthur was cut short this time when we heard the host’s announcement.

“The next speaker is a special one indeed. He is one of the most well-known producers in the industry. Can you guys guess who he is?” I finished untangling the wires and hurriedly walked towards the next speaker, leaving Arthur behind.

“Thank you.” The next speaker muttered to me as I fixed the microphone on him.

As he went up on stage, I checked with the other staff members if there were still anything that needed to be done. I can still sense his eyes on me as I walk around the room. I tried to shake off the uneasy feeling by busying myself in my tasks.

“Can we now talk?” I heard his familiar voice behind me, making my body tense up in agitation. My heart was beating so loudly that I was afraid he might have heard me palpitating. I stood straight to face him but I felt my chest sink at his expression. His eyes looked dejected as he waited for my answer. I didn’t have it in me to turn him down but I wish I could. I’m very much afraid of what he would say to me when we talk. Pessimistic thoughts rushed through my brain unable to answer his simple question.

“O…” I was cut off by Charlotte’s urgent voice.

“Sandra, we need you here.” She gestured to go near her. I saw Arthur’s face scrunched up frustratedly as I gave him an apologetic nod and walked towards Charlotte. Arthur’s expression kept replaying in my mind as I walked up to Charlotte. It took us a while to fix the wardrobe malfunction of one of the guest speakers. By the time we were done, Arthur was nowhere to be found. I tried looking for him everywhere, unable to see his familiar figure.

After the program ended, I spotted Arthur all the way at the back of the hall. My steps grew heavy as I walked towards him. I don’t think I can do this. I tried to flee but his eyes already caught mine. His eyes looked sad as we held each other’s gaze. I felt my stomach churn, I don’t think I can handle this.

As he tried to make his way to me, I quickly bolted to the nearest exit. I looked back to see if he followed me out. I sighed in relief for not seeing him. I hailed a cab and decided to go home.

I’m such a coward.

Way to go, Sandra. Maybe I should just be named Sandra the Cowardly Girl for ruining my chance at fixing this thing.

How can I face him tomorrow?