Chapter 35: Biting My Tongue

“I’m home!” I announced to no one in particular as I swung open the door and turned on the lights of my apartment. I let out a long sigh as loneliness suddenly hopped onto my shoulders and sunk me to my knees. I used to prefer living alone as I wanted to enjoy my independence. Being alone gave me total freedom to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted to do it, and how I wanted it to be done. However, I couldn’t help but miss being greeted by the smell of fried chicken and as I would follow the scent to the kitchen, I would see my mother smiling at me. A small smile crept to my lips as I remembered the cute little apron she wore over her office clothes.

I had a close relationship with my parents and whenever I was happy or sad, I would tell them. I loved it whenever they gave me advice and I always took it to heart. Even though I am happy that someone stood up for me today and I am proud of myself that I was able to speak my truth, I couldn’t help but feel conflicted about my job opportunities, the public’s perception of me and my colleagues betraying me.

I longed for my mother’s warm embrace and comforting words in moments like this. I used to snuggle up next to her as she would gently stroke my hair until I calmed down while my father would make me his famous goulash. We’d then eat it together as we watched true crime documentaries on the couch.

I desperately wanted to go back to that. “I miss mom and dad.” I muttered to myself sadly as I fell to the couch with a soft thud and I gently placed the dessert on the space beside me. I felt a pang of regret, wishing that I purchased goulash instead. I leaned my head back as I breathed out a sigh of defeat.

I suddenly felt the urge to go to my parent’s house and stay there for a while until everything dies down, but I don’t think I would have enough money for that. Besides, I am tired of running away from my problems and hiding behind someone else, expecting that they would solve my problems for me. I did the same thing with my parents, Ellie and even Arthur. I know that I am pathetic and I am a coward.

But I don’t want to be like that anymore.

Not this time.

I then reached for my phone and stared at my mom’s number. It wouldn’t hurt to just call them. After all, I haven’t spoken to them for a while.

It was then it hit me.

They must have seen the video I’ve posted. They probably read the news articles about Kevin and I and Diane’s tweets. The fact that my parents did not call me after seeing that must be a sign that they’re either angry or disappointed at me.

My index finger hovered over the button as I bit my lower lip. They could have at least said something if they saw it, right? “So that means they didn’t see it.” I tried to assure myself as my finger slowly moved to the button. Just call your damn parents, Sandra!

The moment I pressed the call button, my heart rate quickened as I waited nervously for my mother to answer. Please pick up.

“Hello, Sandra?” Her sweet and velvety voice made me jump from my seat. A wave of emotions washed over me as a wide grin formed my face. “How are you, sweetheart?”

“I’m fine, Mom! Just wanted to check up on you.” I greeted her excitedly. God! I missed her so much.

“Well, we’re fine here.” I faintly heard shuffling sounds on the other line. I heard my mom whisper ‘It’s your daughter.’ to someone.

“Is Dad there? How is he?” I questioned eagerly. I’m so glad he’s also at home right now.

“Yeah, he’s beside me sweetheart. Do you wanna talk to him?” My mom replied.

“Yeah sure.” I murmured as I felt a little bit nervous to be talking to my dad. It’s not that we’re not close or anything but my dad is somewhat like a psychic. He can see right through me whenever I don’t feel well or something is bothering me. It’s hard to keep something from him. I sure hope he doesn’t sense something wrong in our phone call.

“Hey, honey! How are things there?” My worries quickly washed away as I heard his deep voice.

“It’s all good. I miss you guys.” I sighed, thinking how nice it would be if we all spend time with each other right now. It made me crave for both of their comfort as I talk to them even more.

“Is there something you want to tell us?” Oh crap! Did my sigh gave away anything? Did he watch the video? I bit my lower lip, trying to prevent myself from saying anything stupid or making any unnecessary sounds.

“Oh nothing, I just wanted to be a good daughter and check up on my parents every once in a while, you know.” I said jokingly, desperately trying to change the topic. I chuckled nervously. I hope he doesn’t see through it.

“Are you sure? I’ll hand over the phone to your mom.” Before I could even respond, I already heard the phone being passed around.

“Sweetheart what’s wrong?” She spoke with concern. I could already imagine her eyebrows furrowing and her eyes staring intensely into me as she tried to decipher what I’m feeling.

“I’m fine, Mom. You don’t need to worry about me.” My heart felt heavy as those words escaped my lips. It’s really hard to stay strong sometimes. “I was reminiscing about the times when we would hangout, eat goulash, and watch documentaries. I just missed those times, that’s all.” I said reassuringly. Well, technically, I didn’t lie to them. I just left out some information they didn’t need to know about. I wouldn’t want them to worry about me so much. Besides, I already took care of everything by myself.

“Well you could always come back here once in a while. You shouldn’t work too hard, you know.” My heart sank to the pit of my stomach as I felt a pang of guilt in my chest. Oh, if only she knew.

“I know. Anyways, I have to go now.” I muttered for us to end the call.

“Alright, sweetie. Take care! Love you! We miss you.” Hearing my mom say that instantly made me feel emotional. It’s been a while since I heard those familiar lines. I fought back the tears that were trying to escape my eyes. I need to end the call first or else they’ll be worried.

“Love you too, Mom! Bye!” I croaked out as I immediately ended the call. A wave of emotions washed over me as I closed my phone. I gazed off into the distance as I tried to manage these mixed emotions that I am feeling. I felt sad and regretful that our call only lasted for a couple of minutes but I knew that it’s much better than nothing. A small smile formed my lips as my eyes fell to the ground.

I’m also happy that I know that they’re doing well, relieved that they didn’t bring up the video, and at ease because hearing their voices made me feel comforted. I really miss my parents.

I ran a hand through my hair in frustration. I’m so glad that they haven’t seen the video yet. If they did, they would have expressed their worries as soon as they picked up the phone. Since our call went smoothly without them bringing it up, it seemed like they were still unaware about it. It made me feel relieved that they are still in the dark about it but a nagging voice kept repeating ‘up until when’ in my head. I’ll make sure to tell them in person about this rather than through a phone call.

My thoughts were immediately cut off when I heard my phone pinged. I quickly grabbed to check who the message came from. My eyes widened as I realized the identity of the sender. My heartbeat quickened as I opened his message. I never would have thought that he would message me again.

From: Arthur

Hi, Sandra! I hope you’re doing well. I just wanted to let you know that I saw the video you posted a couple of days ago. I admire your courage to share to the world your dark experience.

I am so proud of you.

I placed my hand on my mouth as I finished reading everything. Wow, this night keeps getting better and better. Who would have thought that Arthur would message me even after everything we went through? I felt a sudden flare of joy as I smiled to myself like a fool.

I miss him so much. I wanted to type in a reply but I don’t know what to say. I tried to steady my beating chest but I just couldn’t do it. My heart throbbed with happiness as I almost felt like I was intoxicated with joy. I set my phone down on the table and paced around the room to think straight. Should I message him?

I shook my head wistfully. Isn’t it better for him if I don’t reply at all? I let out a long sigh as I held my head in frustration. But I want to though…

I closed my eyes as I let myself fall onto my couch. Should I really do it?

“Ah, fuck it.” I groaned as I sat up and picked up my phone to type my reply to him.

Alright, here goes nothing.