Chapter 27

I saw myself still lying weakly on her bed. My heart couldn't be explained anymore, all the feelings in my heart were so mixed together.

The face that often looked rough and showed an angry expression could turn into this devil and make people pity him.

That peaceful face with eyes closed like there was no burden she carried from her life was actually always facing a lot of problems in her life.

"It's my fault for being too wordy to all of you. I hope I can pay for my mistakes and not repeat stupid things like this that caused you to be like this," I said.

My tears unknowingly falling again from my eyes, I grasped the fingers of that large hand like grabbing the hand of a strong yet weak territory lord at the same time. Yes, he was strong but in this moment he needed protection because he was helpless about his situation.

"I should be completely honest with you and everyone else about the big secret I am hiding. I also don't understand why I'm hiding this. But honestly after I thought about it and reflected deeply, I finally know why I hid this from you too."

I wanted to calm myself down too, I slowly moved closer to Gerry's chest and rested my head near it. I wanted to hear the heartbeat of the man I loved so that I could confirm that he was still alive beside me.

Every heartbeat I heard from inside this man's chest brought a sense of calmness to my heart as well. It's an exaggeration to say it but I felt that my heartbeat and Gerry's heartbeat had the same rhythm, like they were humming in harmony and bonding with each other.

I closed my eyes and continued to feel that, my hand not releasing my grip on Gerry's hand. Like someone who is on the receiving end of a breakup and is terrified of losing the person they love, that's what I was doing right now with Gerry.

I was naive, and I admit it.

It took me too long to admit that I was in love with Gerry when we first met.

I repeatedly denied and evaded the reality of what was happening between me and him. I didn't ask for love from him in return, I just wanted to love him. And it was also because of that feeling that I found it too difficult to tell him the truth, both about my feelings for him and also about the jinx that I had.

This big barrier will always be a barrier between me and him.

Even if you love me and reciprocate my feelings to the best of your ability, I still won't accept it. Of course I couldn't accept that because there were consequences behind it that I would have to pay for in the future.

If only the consequences would only harm myself then I would still break through the danger that was in front of me and love Gerry as much as I could, but unfortunately the consequences had to be paid by the person I loved by losing his life.

I didn't want to let that happen.

Even the signs of that were in front of my eyes, as if I had been reprimanded by the owner of fate about the destiny I had as a human being who was probably not allowed to fall in love.

Wherever I ask other people, they will definitely think the same as me. Don't you think so too?

This is a form of rebuke from me who had violated my jinx and kept my feelings for Gerry.

But can feelings just be erased?

This is what became a big question inside me and became an unresolved polemic.

Meanwhile, this jinx that I have will continue to be active if I love someone. Because I once tried to be silent and not have a relationship with the person I loved, but in the end it was still the same, I lost the person I loved.

"It's good that I have to go," I said.

I pondered while listening to the heartbeat of the self that kept beating right beside my ear.

"My being beside you is only making things dangerous for you. I don't want that to happen to you. Therefore, I should go and leave you so that you can stay safe and avoid the bad luck that I have," I said. "After making sure you wake up, I'll explain everything to you and then go to a place you can't see until we never meet again forever."

"If you do that, then I will choose to die. So that I can still see you from hell, rather than me having to lose you and not being able to see you from anywhere."

I opened my eyes wide, wasn't that Gerry's voice? Wasn't he still under the influence of tranquilizers? But I was sure it was really Gerry's voice?

I quickly lifted my head and looked back at Gerry. And I found that he had opened his eyes although they still looked heavy and sad.

"Gerry... You..."

"Yes, I heard everything you said without exception. If I still don't understand the details, but I can draw an outline of what kind of trouble you've been keeping to yourself all this time. Can it be called a curse?"

I grabbed my pants and gripped them tightly while strengthening my feelings to be honest with Gerry directly. I had been saying that I was brave enough to explain the fact that I had been hiding from him all this time, but now that I was in front of the left and faced with the moment where I had to be honest with him and here it was evident that I was still afraid to be honest with him.

"What you're thinking is true. It's basically like that, and it's what I call a jinx. I was always moving around and nomadic, avoiding the people I loved so that I wouldn't lose anyone in my life again after that," I said. "If I feel love then it is certain that I will lose it and feel pain. I don't want that to happen again."

"We can definitely remove and break the curse," Gerry said.

I lifted my head again and looked at him deeply. Still with tears falling from my eyes.

"Right, we can eliminate that by eliminating my feelings for you. I'll try hard so that I stop loving you either permanently or quickly. It doesn't make sense but I'll try my best. I'll keep doing that so that I can help you and be by your side until our deal is done," I promised Gerry.

"No, I won't," Gerry said.