Chapter 105

That one syllable seemed like a dagger through her heart, like every bad thing she’d ever thought about herself had all come together in one giant ball of ugly disdain that burned through her as quickly as fire through kindling. “It’s not what you think,” she began.
Adam shrugged. “I don’t think anything, Rain.”
“Sure you do,” she insisted, turning more toward him. “You think that I have feelings for Seth.”
“Well, don’t you?” he asked, his eyes not quite the brilliant blue they normally were as the twinkle faded.
“No!” That much was true at the moment. Before, only a few days earlier, if someone had asked her that question, she probably would’ve said she didn’t know or maybe even yes, but now, she did know for sure that she didn’t have feelings for Seth. “He’s a great guy. But…”
“But what?” Adam asked, staring into her eyes.
“But… he’s not--you.”
There, she’d said it. She’d told him. Everything she’d been trying to say both before he left and after he came back was all right there in that one sentence, in that one word.
Adam stared at her for a long time without saying anything at all, and Rain wanted to look away from him but couldn’t. She needed him to say that he understood. Even though her message from before he’d gone on the mission was garbled and incomprehensible, this one was clear, wasn’t it?
Apparently, not as clear as he would like. After what seemed like an eternity, he asked, “You could be her, Rain? You could be the girl I am happy with for the rest of my life? Is that what you were trying to tell me before I left?”
Rain nodded. “That’s what I was trying to say. In Dafo, I wasn’t saying I hope you found someone else that made you happy. Even then, I hoped it was me. I was just saying… you deserve to be happy. Even if it wasn’t with me. But if it is with me… then… good.” She shrugged like it was no big deal, like she hadn’t just poured her soul out to him.
Adam took a deep breath, reached over, and took her hand in his. “Rain, I have loved you since before I knew your name. Since before I saw you in the light. Since before I had any idea that you are the strong, intelligent, beautiful woman in front of me. From the first time I met you, I knew there was something different about you, that you cared about me as a person more than any of those other women who came in and simply followed directions. Maybe that was because even though you didn’t know the Mothers were so corrupt at the time, you knew deep down inside that we were people and deserved to be treated better than we were getting, or maybe it was just because I knew eventually fate would bring us together, but the possibility of seeing your face was what kept me going through those dark years of torture at the Insemination Ward. Now that we are free and embarking on a new life in Quebec, even though I know the danger isn’t over, that we’ll most likely be turning right around and heading back to Michaelanburg to continue the fight, knowing that you’re with me keeps me going still. You’re the only motivation I needed to keep me riding when I was so tired I was ready to fall off. Hell, you’re the reason I kept marching through that damn forest when Mist wouldn’t let us stop for five minutes to catch our breath. To hear you say that you want to be with me the same way that I want to be with you is the best thing anyone could ever say to me.”
Rain swallowed hard, tears in her eyes, not even sure how to respond to that. It was the sweetest confession anyone had ever made to her, and she wanted to say so much about how Adam motivated her to keep moving as well. But the words were stuck in her throat, lodged behind her tears.
“That is what you’re saying, isn’t it?” Adam asked, raising one eyebrow.
“Yes!” Rain managed to get out, along with a laugh.
“Good!” He blew out a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Scared me there for a minute.”
She laughed again and then moved closer to him. “Adam, I haven't had a lot of love in my life, and at one point, I wasn’t sure I’d recognize it if it showed up in front of me with a big red sign and a definition. But the more time I spent with you, the more I realized, the feelings I have for you are exactly that--love. I hope it doesn’t freak you out to hear me say this--but I do love you.”
“Freak me out?” he asked, pulling his face away from her in surprise. “No, it doesn’t freak me out. It’s the best news I’ve ever heard in my whole life. I love you, too, Rain.”
She knew she had to be grinning at him like a little girl with a lollipop, but she didn’t care. There wasn’t anyone around to see them staring at each other with goofy smiles on their faces.
He leaned toward her, and she closed the distance until he was only a few inches away from her, but then Adam stopped and took a deep breath. “I want to kiss you, but I have no idea how.”
Somehow, her smile widened. “It’s okay. It’s not hard.” She hoped he didn’t mind the fact that she had already had that experience with Seth. He didn't seem to. She moved a little bit closer but left him some space to close the gap. Rain closed her eyes and waited.
It took him a second, but then, Adam’s lips pressed against hers. Rain reached her hand around the back of his head and tangled her fingers in his hair as she parted her lips and invited him in. He was still hesitant, still unsure of himself, but the tip of his tongue glided against hers, and she gently tapped her tongue against his until he seemed to relax a little and deepened the kiss. His hands were on the side of her face, and then one slid down to her neck and shoulder as she went up on her knees slightly to reach him.
Kissing Adam was a lot different than kissing Seth had been. It was a lot different than the scenarios she’d imagined in her head, too. She wanted to climb on his lap so she could reach him better. She wanted his hands on her body. All of those times that they’d been together when he’d been strapped to the chair all faded away as if they’d never happened because he hadn’t been able to touch her before. Now, he could. Now, they could be together without any restraints, no rules, no fear of what might happen because they loved one another.
Adam pulled back, and Rain reluctantly let him go, though she immediately missed his lips on hers. “Holy shit,” he murmured. “Now I get why those two are all over each other all the time.”
Rain couldn’t help but giggle. “I’m pretty sure they’re doing more than kissing.”
“Oh, I know,” Adam assured her. “But as much fun as kissing you is, well, I can only imagine what anything beyond that must be like.”
She felt her face redden. She wanted to find out. But not until he was ready. And not on the side of the road while they were waiting for Seth to come back.
Seth. He might be a problem now. She wasn’t sure how he would take it when he found out they were together.
“We don’t have to tell him,” Adam said, as if he were reading her mind.
“I know. He probably won’t stay in Quebec. Still… do you think he’ll be able to tell?”
“No, not if we don’t sit by each other. Which will be easy enough since Mist and Walt won’t let us anyway. I’ve been patient this long. I can continue to be patient.”
Rain nodded and smiled, thinking she could be, too. “He’s done so much for us. I don’t want to do anything to hurt his feelings.”
“I know, but Rain, if he thinks he has a chance with you, and he doesn’t, then his feelings are probably going to get hurt, whether you’re with me or not.”
She inhaled deeply through her nose, realizing he was true. There had to be some way to keep from hurting Seth. Even if she didn’t have romantic feelings for him, she still cared about him and didn’t want to see him get hurt.
Adam took her hand in his and held it. “We’ll figure it out,” he assured her. “We always do.”
She nodded again, hoping he was right. Her eyes went to the path Seth had taken when he’d left, and she prayed he’d be back safe and sound soon, even if it meant she’d be the one to hurt him. At least the wound she inflicted was one he’d be likely to recover from--unlike a blow from the Mothers.