Chapter 35

If she’d slept for ten minutes, that would be saying something, but Rain didn’t even think she’d slept that long. Now that Mist and Walt had stopped whatever it was they were doing, she still couldn’t go to sleep. It wasn’t because Mist kept rolling over on her hair or the fact that she’d spent all day running for her life, it was because Adam was sitting out there by himself, alone, thinking who knows what. This was his first night on the outside of IW, and he might be scared or lonely.
Or maybe she was both of those things and just needed him to tell her it would be all right.
He looked up at her as she was coming through the tent flap, pausing to zip it behind her. His bright blue eyes were wide, not just with curiosity at seeing her, but he clearly wasn’t tired. “Hi,” she said, coming over next to him. “Do you mind if I sit with you?”
“No, not at all,” Adam said quickly, gesturing at the spot next to him on the ground. “You’re not tired?”
Even the mention of the word made Rain want to yawn, but she held it back. “No, I am. I just… couldn’t sleep.”
“I can imagine not, what with all that racket going on.”
Rain glanced back over her shoulder before she dropped down next to him, leaving a little space and moving some pine needles aside. “They’re a lot quieter now than they were a little while ago.”
“That’s true.” He chuckled and turned back toward the fire, not that they could see a single flame. It really was amazing. It was unbelievable to think there was a burning fire in front of them, but they couldn’t see it at all--only smell the smoke and hear the crackle of the fire.
Adam picked up the bottle of water she’d given him earlier and took a sip before offering it to her. “Want a drink?”
“Oh, thanks.” She took a small swallow from the bottle but not much. She didn’t want to drink the water when she knew he loved it so much, and she could always swallow another hydration pill.
When she handed the water back to him, her fingers brushed his slightly. A sense of warmth passed through her. She felt grounded as much from his touch as she did with her feet firmly on the forest floor and her back against the tree.
Rain set her gun where she could easily reach it and spread the blanket she’d brought out across her lap. She wasn’t really cold this close to the fire, and the night wasn’t more than a little chilly, but she felt like she needed something to do. “Are you warm enough?” she asked him, thinking maybe she could spread the small blanket a little further if he was cold.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks.” There was that smile again, that casual, friendly, I’ve-known-you-my-whole-life smile that she wasn’t sure why she felt privy to when she hadn’t known him long at all, not really anyway, not as Adam.
“Okay,” Rain said, resting her head back against the tree. The exhaustion washed over her as she saw hints of smoke floating through the screen, but not enough for anyone to notice who wasn’t close by. Either that, or she was just hallucinating due to the weariness.
“It’s incredible, isn’t it?” Adam asked, picking up a stick and playing in the dirt next to his leg as he spoke.
“What’s that?” Rain asked, wondering if he was marveling at nature or something else.
“Those two. I mean… I know they’ve both been thinking about each other for a long time, but it didn’t take either of them much time to act on it.”
“Right!” Rain turned slightly to look at him, shifting her upper body. “I thought the same thing. I was really surprised.”
“Good. I’m glad it wasn’t just me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy for them. I just didn’t expect it to be so quick.”
“I agree.” Rain settled back, her head against the tree behind her. “Mist hadn’t even mentioned him to me until a few weeks ago, not long before she made a million other revelations to me. I’m honestly more surprised on Walt’s part than hers, though.”
“Why is that?”
Rain turned her head to look at him, hoping she didn’t say anything offensive. That wasn’t her intent at all, but she had already said too much not to answer him. She searched her groggy mind to come up with a response that made sense and wasn’t rude. “I just thought… he might be a little hesitant to want to… connect with a woman again.”
“Oh.” Adam stared at her for a moment and then nodded his head, looking away. He stared off into the distance, sort of where he’d aimed the gun he’d fired earlier that evening.
She expected him to say more, but he didn’t. Rather than taking an attempt to further elaborate on her thoughts when she was so tired, she decided not to say more unless he pressed her. It was hard to pull her eyes away from him again, so she leaned her head back against the tree with her face tipped in his direction.
Her eyes were starting to grow heavy when Adam said, “It’s different, though.”
Fully awake now, Rain met his gaze, seeing that whatever he wanted to confide in her was not easy for him to say. She reached over and rested her hand on the sleeve of his shirt near his shoulder. He didn’t pull away, and in the present circumstances, she felt more like she was comforting a friend than flirting with an attractive man. “It is?”
Adam nodded. “Yeah. I think so. Not that I’m completely qualified to say since I’ve never been in a situation like Walt is now--not yet anyway.” He chuckled slightly, and Rain thought the look he had in his eyes when he met her gaze might have been pointed, but she wasn’t about to make any assumptions.
“What do you mean it’s different?”
He cleared his throat. “Well, what we do in IW, when a woman mounts us and has her way with us… that’s not anything at all like what’s going on between Walt and Mist. Even if they didn’t actually have sex in there, and I’m assuming they didn’t, since you were lying next to them and all, there was a level of intimacy between them that just can’t be achieved in IW, at least not in the same way. I know they felt like they were falling in love before they ever laid eyes on each other outside of those walls, but once he had the freedom to truly touch her, to kiss her, to know that they were equals… that’s when everything from before starts to melt away. There’s just no comparison.”
She listened carefully to every word, but also what he wasn’t saying. She heard the haunted tone in his voice, the way he spoke about what had happened to them in IW, how they felt like lesser beings--which she didn’t blame him for. “I guess I never really thought about it that way,” she said, sliding her hand down his arm until she reached his fingers. “I was thinking none of the men would want to be touched at all, but what you’re saying is that this is like comparing a pat on the shoulder to a slap in the face.”
A slight smirk took over his face as he found what she’d said amusing, even though she hadn’t meant it that way. “Exactly,” he said. “Not that Mist ever mistreated him--or anyone, I’m sure. And I know you didn’t mistreat anyone either. Still, it’s not the same. It can’t be.” His piercing blue stare lingered on her for another long moment before he looked away, running his other hand through the back of his hair, his eyes falling on night again.
Letting go of his hand would’ve probably been the proper thing to do, but she couldn’t find it in herself to do so. Deep inside of her, there was a voice that wanted to be set free, one that wanted to call out to him and let him know how much he meant to her, how even though she’d never let on like choosing him was a big deal or that being with him was anything more than a chore, he was important to her long before he ran out of IW a few hours ago and would continue to be important to her until the last breath of air exited her lungs.
It seemed like too much at the moment, though. How Mist and Walt had gotten there, she wasn’t sure, but it must’ve begun well before the rebellion was ever conceived. A small ounce of jealousy raged inside of her when she thought of her friend and the man whose arms were wrapped around her, but mostly she was happy for both of them. Now that she’d heard what Adam had to say on the subject, she was hopeful that she was wrong to think he’d never want to be touched again.
Yet, she felt as if she had something more she did need to say, especially in light of the darkness that dimmed his blue eyes when he spoke of what went on behind those locked doors. “I’m sorry, Adam.”
He turned his head sharply, one eyebrow raised. “What do you mean?”
“I’m sorry that I ever chose you, that I did those things to you, forced you to do things you didn’t want to. I’m sorry I was ever a part of the Motherhood.”
Adam scooted closer to her. “Rain, I wasn’t talking about you. Believe me. I never meant to imply I thought you’d done anything wrong.”
“No, I know that. You said that. But I did. I did do something wrong. How is what women have been doing to men for the last few hundred years under the guise of it being revenge not wrong? And I was indoctrinated to believe it. I never even questioned it until Mist started to open my eyes.”
“You never seemed to like it,” he said, that eyebrow coming back down as his eyes left hers to hover in safer waters around her chin. “I thought maybe it was just me, but then you picked me so many times, I thought maybe it was all men. But then… well, I don’t know.”
There it was again. He’d gotten the same impression her best friend had, that maybe she was Samey. “It wasn’t that I didn’t like it. I guess… deep down inside, it always just seemed wrong. It didn’t make sense to me that men just had to lie there and take it. I was taught not to question the Motherhood, so when things didn’t make sense, I didn’t know what to do with that information. I just pushed through. I picked you a lot because you made me comfortable.” She didn’t bother to mention to him that she also liked the way his member felt inside of her. That seemed too personal, especially since her fingers were still intertwined with his. “I didn’t want to make those silly noises the other women make if I could help it.”
“How do you know about those noises?” he asked, his forehead wrinkling.
Rain shrugged. “They do it in the training videos. Also, other women make them all the way to IW and back. It’s so….” Not sure how to finish that sentence--gross, stupid, immature,--she just shook her head. “Anyway, I am sorry for the part I played in making you feel like you weren’t a complete person, that you didn’t matter. Because you do matter. A lot. To the world. To me.”
Realizing her overtired state probably made her sound ridiculous and overly sappy, Rain wished she’d stopped talking well-before her little speech had ejected itself from her mouth. But it was too late now. Shaking her head, she turned away and leaned her head back against the rough bark of the tree again, hoping none of her hair got tangled the way she kept flipping her head back and forth.
“Thank you, Rain.” Adam’s voice was soft and quiet, she assumed he’d noticed how exhausted she was. Perhaps he’d give her some grace for sounding so crazy under the circumstances.
Rather than trying to tell him he was welcome, Rain gave into the next wave of sleepiness as it rolled across her, dragging her eyes closed. Her head felt so heavy, leaning against the tree, she had to move it. She readjusted until she found a soft, warm spot nearby and then twisted her hand into something equally warm and soft, only the faint idea that she might be resting her head on Adam’s shoulder crossing her mind, her hand twisted in his shirt as she allowed herself to find some rest at last.