19. I have you

CHAPTER NINETEEN
She was mad-she had no right to be but she was. How could Laila come into Collins house and Collins defends her like that? Did he still have feelings for her? What exactly had been happening in the past few weeks she had been holed in her own world? Had they perhaps gotten back together while locked herself in grief? Who would be to blame then? Her for shutting him out or him for not waiting just a little bit longer? No, she was perhaps overthinking stuff. Besides, she had been the one to call Laila a bitch. There was no way in hell Collins would even dare to get close to his ex-wife after what she did to him. But then again, it was no different from what she did to Will. Speaking of Will, she wondered how he was. Was he even still alive? Did he hate her for what happened to him? Did he loathe himself for ever meeting her or falling in love with her?

“Nadia,” Collins’ voice had her thoughts halting when the perpetrator himself waked into the bedroom. She changed her position, pretending like she was sulking which in a way she was. She hadn’t anticipated they would have a verbal fight like that. In her mind, it had all played out differently, thoughts telling her he would have been glad she was willing to work through her grief.

“What the hell was that? You act like you have every right to be mad at me when I should be mad at you for everything,” he paused, his voice low and breaking, “I was dying and you weren’t there. So if someone should be mad, then that should have been me,”

“I’m not the one certainly tolerating my ex-wife,” she countered.

“So this is about Laila? She was there for me when you weren’t. I’m not tolerating her. I’m just thankful she found me when she did or otherwise, I’d probably be dead from starvation, dehydration, exhaustion, grief…all of it.,” he replied.

“Fine. I’m sorry that you almost died because I was grieving my best friend and all the people that died because of me. I was alone too, Collins! Get over it!” she snapped.

Collins took one look at her then swallowed the rage and bitterness he was feeling. There was no point of them fighting, was there? Besides, what were they even fighting for?

“I just needed someone and you weren’t there. You pushed me away like I meant nothing to you,” he shook his head, his voice very much a mere whisper with a hint of suppressed bitterness,” People who love each other, stick together no matter how much pain they are in. They are supposed to be each other’s shoulder to lean on. Or was it all ever a lie? Was it really just sex between us?”

She sat up, a look of disbelief crossing her features, “What?”

“Because I’m not going to lie and say that very thought hadn’t crossed my mind a couple times for the past few weeks. I felt invisible in your eyes. I tried getting through to you but you acted like I was nothing and I was beginning to actually believe it,”

Nadia let her eyes fall shut briefly before she opened, “Maybe we had a rocky start and its been nothing but a bumpy ride all along but the one thing you should never doubt is what I feel for you,”

“And what exactly do you feel for me?” He questioned. He wanted to hear the words straight from her lips so he would know he wasn’t in all this alone. He didn’t doubt the fact that Nadia was very much attracted to him like he was attracted to her, but she’d never said the L-word to him before. It made him wonder if he had been over in his head, reading into something that was never there in the first place. To make matter worse, whatever mate connection they had been having, weakened to the point it almost felt non-existent in the last few weeks. He couldn’t feel her pain or her emotions at all. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he was also in pain too.

She tried to speak, to tell him that she was in love with him but for some reason the words felt stuck in her throat. Her lips opened then fell shut as she looked away, afraid to see the look he had on his face.

“You can’t even say it, can you?” He questioned, then chuckled, “We are mates goddamit! We may not be bonded and I’m still trying to understand how its even possible but don’t you think you are being unfair to me? I put you first, before even my own pack and now what? Was it really all a mere ride to you?”

“I didn’t ask you to put me above anything, Collins! You did it because you knew that my feelings for you were more than just a physical attraction, “She snapped, then let her voice drop down a notch, “These past few weeks have been nothing but a rollercoaster and I need time to pull myself back together. I can’t do that if you are not being supportive. Why are we even fighting right now?”

“I’ve been asking myself the same thing for the past few minutes but this entire situation makes me wonder. If I choose to take a chance with you and lets say, something tragic happens again, would you push me away? Would that be the end of us?”

A looming silence followed for a few seconds before she answered, “I’m not good with grief. I never know how to handle it and what I hate even more is feeling like I’m a burden to someone. So, I give myself space and deal with it,”

“If you needed space, you could have told me instead of pushing me away. All these days I was questioning whether you loathed me for being the reason you had to pick sides. It was enough that I was dealing with people blaming me for the countless deaths and then I had to deal with the unanswered questions of what you could possibly be thinking of me,”

Now she understood why he was angry with her. It all made sense and for the first time in a good while, she found herself smiling. Maybe for whatever reason she couldn’t tell him how much she loved him, but knowing she didn’t have to hide and deal with pain all alone, somewhat warmed her broken heart. Trina’s death had been a huge blow that had torn her into pieces and maybe now she could eventually move on from all of it without pushing anyone away.

“Why are you smiling?” Collins questioned, a frown etched over his eyebrows.

“Because now more than ever I know I have you,” she answered.

He wanted to say something, probably a smart comeback but her smile and her words weakened him. It was moments like these he grew certain that his love for her was beyond them being just mates. Maybe they needed a lot of work but at least they had each other.