Reminiscing The Past
After the surgery, exhaustion weighed down on me like a heavy cloak, but I couldn’t sleep. I was too wired, too shaken. I left the ICU to get some air, finding my way to the cafeteria, hoping food might steady me. The sterile smell of coffee and bland sandwiches filled the air, and just as I reached for a bottle of water, I saw him.
Charles.
He looked as wrecked as I felt, leaning against the counter, hands wrapped around a disposable coffee cup, eyes distant. The urge to lash out at him burned hot in my chest, and before I could stop myself, I was walking up to him, each step echoing with the weight of everything he’d done.
When he looked up, our eyes met, and something passed between us—a silent acknowledgment of the disaster his choices had caused.
“Remi,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. He looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “I… I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me.”
“Want to see you?” I repeated, my tone colder than I intended. “No, Charles, I don’t. But that doesn’t seem to matter, does it?”
He flinched, a pained expression flashing across his face. “I know. I deserve that. I deserve a lot worse.”
I crossed my arms, fighting the tears of exhaustion and anger that threatened to spill over. “Do you even understand what you’ve done to her? What your selfishness has cost her?”
He swallowed hard, his face tightening with regret. “You don’t think I know that, Remi? I’ve been living with that guilt since the day I realized I couldn’t be the husband she needed.”
I narrowed my eyes, anger still simmering under the surface. “Then why didn’t you leave her? Why drag her into this… this lie?”
He sighed, running a hand over his face, his gaze downcast. “I didn’t… I didn’t know what else to do. I thought… maybe, somehow, I could make it work. Be what she needed.”
“Be what she needed?” I repeated, incredulous. “You married her, Charles. You stood there and promised her a life, knowing you couldn’t give her that.”
He shook his head, clearly struggling to find the words. “I loved her, Remi. In my own way, I did. But… not the way she deserved.”
“Then why marry her?” I demanded, the frustration spilling over. “Why not just… just be honest?”
He let out a broken sigh. “I couldn’t face it, alright? I couldn’t look her in the eye and tell her… that I wasn’t who she thought I was. I’d known for years—since college, probably. But back then, admitting it meant turning my whole life upside down. And when I met Claire, she was… she was perfect. She was everything I thought I needed to be normal.”
“Normal?” I scoffed. “So, what? You just used her as some cover?”
“No!” he said, his voice cracking. “It wasn’t like that. I did love her, Remi. I swear. I just… I was afraid.”
I shook my head, my voice dropping. “Afraid of what? Of being honest? Of hurting her?”
He looked at me, his eyes glassy with guilt. “Yes, I was afraid of hurting her, of letting her down. Claire was so… kind, so full of hope. I thought I could keep up the lie, that maybe I could be the man she deserved. But no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t change who I was inside. I thought… I could live with it, for her sake.”
My stomach churned, the anger giving way to a raw, twisted pain. “Well, now she’s the one paying the price. Did you even see her after the accident?”
Charles nodded, his expression haunted. “I… I couldn’t bear it. Knowing she was there because of me, that she almost… that she’s…” He trailed off, unable to finish.
I felt my throat tighten. “You should’ve thought of that before, Charles. Before you made her feel like she was your whole world, only to shatter it.”
His face twisted with grief, and he set the coffee down, his hands shaking. “Do you think I don’t know that? That I haven’t been hating myself every single day?”
“Then why? Why didn’t you end it sooner? Before it came to this?”
He rubbed his temples, eyes closing briefly. “Because I thought… maybe I’d change. Maybe I’d wake up one day and be able to give her what she wanted. What she deserved. But no matter what, I was living a lie. Every day. And in the end, she’s the one who got hurt.”
I could feel my own anger fading, replaced by a hollow ache as I listened to him. Despite everything, there was a brokenness in his words, a deep self-loathing that I couldn’t ignore.
“So what now?” I asked quietly, searching his face. “What are you going to do now, Charles?”
He looked down, his voice barely audible. “I don’t know. I don’t think there’s anything I can do. I’ll have to live with this for the rest of my life, knowing I did this to her. Knowing I’ll never be able to make it right.”
I studied him, seeing the guilt and regret etched into every line of his face. He looked smaller, more fragile than I’d ever seen him, and despite everything, a part of me ached for him. For all the wrong choices, all the fear and self-deception that had led to this moment.
“You’re right,” I said softly. “You’ll have to live with it. But maybe… maybe you can find a way to be better. For her sake.”
He nodded, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’ll try, Remi. I swear, I’ll try.”
We stood in silence for a moment, the weight of everything hanging between us. There was nothing more to say. Nothing that could fix the brokenness, the wreckage that his choices had caused. But as I turned to leave, I heard his voice, soft and raw.
“Remi… if she… if she wakes up, tell her… I’m sorry. And that… that I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to be the man she believed I was.”
I didn’t turn around, didn’t answer. I simply nodded, walking away, knowing that those words would haunt me. And hoping, somehow, that they might mean something if Claire ever opened her eyes again.
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