CHAPTER SIXTEEN

The only place he seemed to think of for refuge was his baby's presence. A popular saying that home is where the heart belongs but in Jordan's case, he had no idea where home was at this point. Maybe he needed to take a step back from everything and rethink his own life. If friends and family abandoned people, there would always be one person who would never leave your corner. For Jordan, that person was June, his sick daughter. He might not know what to do at this point but sitting with his baby girl without any care in the world would definitely make things work better for him.
If he went to the hospital maybe it would give him some sort of clarity he desperately needed. He needed someone to tell him he wasn't crazy for refusing to pretend he wanted a relationship with Amelia or for telling how pathetic she was starting to become by offering herself cheaply to him. She was a queen and she deserved better than an unrequited love from someone who would never see her more than his best friend or sister.
With that thought, he drove straight to the hospital. He thought about grabbing a few presents for June but the little girl could see right through him like a mirror and she would know instantly that he was troubled and he didn't want Amelia to be on bad terms with his daughter because of him. If the case was reversed, Amelia would never let her child hate him because of a petty crush and he wouldn't do the same to her. It would come off as stupid.
When he got to the hospital corridors, he greeted the nurses with a simple nod. He wasn't a stranger here because he practically raised June within these walls and he was dumped right within these walls. In fact, these walls have seen a lot of his shortcomings more than anything else. It was that horrible for him and here was starting to be his home, with his daughter. He hated that he has seen different set of cancer children come in, some luckier than the other, some got to kick cancer's ass, some got their ass kicked by it. Some were like June and him, they were hanging in between and practically emptying their savings trying to stay alive. Maybe June was the reason God made him become popular, so he wouldn't go broke trying to keep his child alive.
More than enough people could tell he was on a verge of a breakdown. They'd seen him too many times and how desperate he was to ensure his daughter's health would improve. He could see the looks of sympathy cross their faces and for the first time, he felt like he needed it. He wanted to be babied and maybe break down and tell the world how choked he was. He was too tired and his whole e options were all over the place. It was that shitty for him and he couldn't believe it.
Today's own was on another level. He looked tired and frustrated. Some nurses feared he would take it out on his daughter.
He didn't even go to see her the previous day but now, he was barging in with an attitude that resembled that of a mad man. His eyes caught sight of himself by the mirror on the door and he understood perfectly why some adults were shielding their children away from him and giving him a creepy stare. He surely looked too creepy to be in a hospital and he looked nothing like Jordan Wilder, the great award winning director, instead, he looked like a man that life has fucked over multiple times. If he was being honest, life did a great job with showing him hell and he did little to nothing to prevent it. He wasn't in a relationship, yet he was feeling like he just got dum ped by a lover.
'Sir?" A nurse cornered him before he reached June's room. She was fidgeting and he tried to look calm. He wasn't even going to get angry if they suggested that he should go and see a shrink at this point, he looked like someone who needed it so badly. He would probably stop by if June woudn't help ease the hurt he was feeling.
'Yeah, what?" he asked scruffily. He stared at the nurse and he hoped his looks weren't scaring her off. He was famous for his stern look that brought even oscar winning actors to their feet and it was something they caught on to quickly. Never mess with Jordan Wilder if you have a wish to last long in the industry.
The nurse sighed and gave Jordan a stern look. 'I've helped your daughter June change her clothes a few times and I have to say, she's a very adorable child." The nurse continued, oblivious to the fact that he was sizing her up and down with his eyes and he wanted to just get the fuck out of that place. Jordan pretended to be interested in the chitchat even though on the inside, he was failing. He hated coming off as rude or ungrateful to his baby's doctors and nurses because he knew they were putting their all into it, and how hard it was to keep a straight face even if you knew the child was dying. It wasn't their fault or anyone's fault if a child dies of illness, it was fate doing or the big guy up there.
He didn't want to be reminded of how fast his baby girl was dying. He just wanted to take a look at her and talk to her as though everything was normal.
'It might not look like it but your daughter is very much affected by your demeanor." She deadpanned and that seemed to do the trick, Jordan's wandering mind gt stuck on her words and he found himself repeating the words in his head. He was confused and he needed more clarification.
Jordan was hooked now, 'What do you mean?" He had to ask and she needed to give him a valid explanation before throwing words around at him and he wouldn't take it lightly if he found out she used that to gain his attention. He was quite confident that she wouldn't do such, they were trained perfectly not to do that.
The nurse sighed, 'She's handling her illness much more than you. She knows she's dying but she's still calm and collected but you, on the other hand, look very stressed, uncomfortable, and sad, it's obvious and it makes her feel like a burden at times even if she won't say it out loud." Th nurse explained further and he kind of related to what she was saying, he knew she was trying to help but the guilty feeling tugging at his chest was doing a bad job representing that, he had no idea if she was being serous or not.
Something pulled on Jordan's heartstrings. The fact that the nurse watched both him and June so well before coming up with the theory meant she deeply cared about his baby, this wasn't about the fact that she was doing what she was being paid to do, this was about her trying to find the perfect ground for her and her daughter.
Was he wearing his emotions on his sleeve? He thought he was hiding it pretty well.
Turns out what he was doing ended up making the people around him uncomfortable. He was a huge problem even for himself and it frustrated him.
'Whatever inner issues you're dealing with, I'm certain it's a result of your own self-sabotaging influence. Once you let go of control and accept your feelings as they come you'll be able to love the people around you freely. I'm certain you understand what I'm saying, even the words left unsaid."
Jordan looked at the nurse's face and nodded. She was right. However before he could process all of her words and thank her, she was out of sight. His mother's words were true, those who wanted to help you
He felt much more lighter.
Her message made him feel better than anticipated.
Even though miracles seemed rare in his life, he was going to recognize the nurse as an angel in disguise because he felt ready to face his inner demons and his baby.
He walked over to June's room and gently opened the door. June looked at him slowly from the hospital bed and said in a small voice, 'Daddy.. I'm sorry I cannot give you a hug."
Jordan knew. It hurt for her to make too much contact with people.
'You don't have to hug me," He said as lightly as he could. 'I came here to have fun with you."
'I.. don't like to have fun. I just want you to look at me without getting angry."
Jordan let out of breath. The nurse was right. June did notice all of the negative emotions in his eyes whenever she was in pain and she interpreted it wrongly. She might have been part of Jordan's worry but the last thing he would do in his life is to make his daughter feel like a burden to him. He needed to correct that point of view as fast as he could before she starts thinking of herself as a problem and start considering her self harm.
He'd hate himself if he was the reason she no longer responded to treatment. Maybe his attitude made her give up at heart. He needed to correct that as fast as he can, then he would work to make sure she was comfortable up to her last days on earth. With the way things were going, he had no idea when her last day would be and he needed to come clean o her and let her know every penny he spent on her was willing and he would do it over and over again without any bad feeling.
He closed the door and took the chair in front of her bed. He peeped into what she was sketching and it was a butterfly, it felt like ages since he came here last and he felt pretty bad about it. He knew she was him come inside and she knew his type of smell, but she refused to look up. The nurse was right after all, he needed no further confirmation. What was left now is for him to convince her otherwise and not make her feel like she was a burden to him. He loved her too much and she would never be aburden to him, she was his little angel. He needed to assure her about that.
'My baby," he smiled at her, She didn't look up from her painting but he could see how greatsly she has improved. Her hands were now steady and the color combinations were better than the last one she did. Mayebsomeone had taken her on a walk recently and now she wanted to replicate what she saw in the garden.
'I'm proud of you." He watched her hands stiffen on what she was apinting and he repeated himslef, he was sure she wouyld be doubting if she heard the righ thing or not.
June's eyes widened and she stared at him with curious eyes.
'You've fought really hard! If it were me, I wouldn't last that long. I had just a bottle of alcohol and I was gone, I could barely think straight."
June chuckled, liking the comparison. She felt quite strong compared to her dad who lost his common sense after having just a bottle of alcohol.
If she were his age, she'd probably have six bottles of alcohol and remain sane.
'Did you drink with Miss Amelia?" She asked curiously.
Jordan fumbled with his fingers but he didn't want to hide it. He didn't want June to think it had anything to do with her so admitted it. 'Yes. She got drunk so quickly too and said a lot of nonsense about how she liked me.. It was quite shocking."
'Wait," Said June in a tiny voice, 'You didn't know?"
'Huh?"
'Everybody knows Miss Amelia likes you. Didn't you know?"
Jordan's mouth was agape and he was unable to understand what his baby was saying.
'Everyone? I mean.. Miss Amelia and I are close friends so she has to like me somehow—"
'—No, she wants to marry you. That kind of like."
Jordan was preplexed.
Just how clueless was he? Even his daughter could see that Amelia liked him. He was a fool to blow the opportunity away.
'I thought you would propose to her after I got better but.. I'm not getting better so.. If you can get the chance, marry her as soon as possible. I want to see her formally become my mother before I die."
'No baby, you won't die." Jordan wanted to say but he knew better than to reassure himself or her. At this point, he lacked the right words to say to people anymore, he had no idea what to say to them and make them feel better, he had no idea what he would tell them and they would suddenly fel grat. He wanted to convince, himself, June and the doctors, he believed a miracle would ahhpen sometimes but it didn't look lik it would.
God definitely blessed him with a child who was a strong warrior, despite everything she was going through. June always had a reason to put a bright smile on her face, she knew any moent from now could be her last and she was living without any care in the world. June already accepted her own fate byt it was harder for Jordan to accept his. Maybe because Cancer forced them to break up their once tiny family and forced to face the harsh reality of life.
For a kid, his daughter was way mature for her age. It pained him how she could easily accept death instead of keeping a positive mindset— With the pain she was going through, asking her to keeping fighting was selfish. But he was afraid he couldn't fulfill her wish. He and Amelia were no longer possible.
He watched her focus on what she was doing without having an idea of what is goimg through her father's head. He wished he was con fident enough to twll her to her face that she might never see Amelia again till she dies and Amelia was aclosed ###CHAPTER in both of their lives just like Bell, her own mother. He hated how he was feeling about letting Amelia go but it was for the best and he had no one else in his corner anymore, no one except his beautiful daughter. He pulled her into a hug and she wrapped her tiny arms around him, nobody said anything else but they were both at peace. Jordan knew June would here till she took her last breath, there was no eed to bother her about petty things like Amelia.