Chapter 11, Esmeralda

The worst fucking thing about relapse is seeing the disappointment on your family's faces. They all thought you were getting better, then one damn thing triggered you. And you were back four years ago, the first time it happened. The first time he started digging a grave with my name on it.

I did not try to kill myself.

I just took too many anxiety pills, in a short amount of time and overdosed.

I told my family that I mixed up my meds again.

Cleo is the one who found me, on my the floor of my bedroom.

I was barely conscious, and nobody was home, so she had to call 911.

In my state of mid-conciousness, I could only feel warm hands trying to wake me up. I wanted to open my eyes, I really did, but I was too weak and tired to try.

I'm so tired and weak.

I don't know how I ended up in a hospital bed, or who brought me here, but I hate it.

I can hear voices, people talking, whispering, I can't recognize who they belong to.

I feel like I'm drowning, like someone took away my breather, I hear a loud "beep" sound, then the voices again, and people screaming. I think it's my Mom.

I can't fight the darkness as it swallows me whole.

⌁

There are hands on my face.

I try to open my eyes, but instantly close them as the bright light blinds me.

I try again, and blink multiple times, letting my eyes get used to the brightness of the room.

"Hey, baby." I hear a grave familiar voice whisper.

I blink again, and when I can finally see clearly, I find beautiful green eyes looking down at me.

Milo.

"Hi." I say, no more than a murmur.

I turn my head, we are the only ones in the room.

"What- What happened ?" I ask.

His face contorts in both worry and relief that I am awake.

"You mixed up your meds and overdosed." He answers.

When I was half awake, and my mother was screaming, trying to figure out what happened to me, I managed to say "mixed up meds", then passed out again.

"Oh." I say.

I close my eyes again, and I feel his warm hands leave my face. He probably went to call a nurse, because the second I reopen them, a woman in scrubs comes to run tests on me.

"Mrs Hernandez, how are you feeling ?"

"Dizzy." I simply answer.

"We are going to run some more tests, but you should be free to go home by tomorrow morning. Try to be careful the next time you take medication"

I lose a breath of relief. I don't think I can spend more than a night in this hospital.

The nurse leaves the room after oscillating me.

I ignore Milo who sits on a chair by the bed.

What is he doing here, anyway ?

"Your parents are on their way, and Rita wanted to spend the night in here, but I convinced her that I would take care of you. Cleo has promised to come see you when she finishes her shift."

I am grateful that he did not let Rita stay here for the night, God knows what hysteric screaming lecture she'd give me as soon as I opened my eyes, if she did.

But- Did he spend the night in here ?

Why would he ?

I still haven't forgotten what happened in Paris. How he told me that our kiss was a mistake, and that none of what we have is real.

"Why are you here ?" I ask him frankly, going straight to the point.

He looks startled, then takes a long breath, seeming to think of a proper answer to my question.

"I am here because I care."

I don't want to know what the hell that means.

My heart is hammering in my chest, but I ignore it, shaking my head and chuckling sourly.

"Oh, really ? Because you didn't look like you did when you kissed me, then threw me away like some piece of trash."

I feel tears well up in my eyes again, and I close them, not wanting him to see how hurt I am.

"Esmeralda-" He starts.

I don't want to listen to him right now. I don't want him to hurt me, I don't want him to tell me how much he hates me, I don't want anything to do with him right now.

I open my eyes, and make my face as hard and cold as I can.

"I think you should go." I state.

"Esmeralda, I-" He tries again, but I shake my head again, trying to muster as much dignity as I can, even if tears are now rolling down my cheeks.

"Get out."

He swallows soundly, the look of pure agony on his gorgeous face, then gets up from the chair he was occupying, and silently gets out of my hospital room.

Somehow, it feels like the last thread holding me together just ripped.

⌁

Cleo shows up right after I wake up from my afternoon nap.

A few moments after Milo left, my parents, Rita and Hunter showed up, and I was more than relieved not to see their faces contorted in disappointment, but concern. They made sure I was okay, and hopefully didn't scold me for anything.

Rita and Hunter made me swear that I didn't need anything, then told me-multiple times to call them if I did.

"I was so worried about you, babe." Cleo says, tears in her eyes, as she hugs me for the third time since she's been here.

"I'm fine, Cleo. Thank you for bringing me here.

Then it strikes me that Cleo doesn't drive, and I do not remember hearing any sirens on the way to the hospital. Only strong warm arms carrying me.

"Wait, who brought be here ?" I ask her furrowing my eyebrows.

"Ellis. He and Milo somehow arrived before the ambulance did, so they took you to the hospital."

I literally want the earth to crack and swallow me whole.

"You called freaking Milo and Ellis Chase. Woah, thank you, best friend. I think you want to me to die from embarrassment."

"Maybe, but I didn't really want you to die from stupidly taking a lot of anxiety pills." She snaps, looking at me gravely.

So she knows.

Her eyes soften when I advert my gaze.

"What triggered it, babe ?" She asks softly.

There is no need to lie to her. She already knows everything, anyway.

I suddenly feel so exhausted again, I want to throw up, I want someone to hug me, I want to go to sleep and never face the world again. I just want a break.

"I saw him in an article. Then, it all came rushing back so fast, and I just needed to make it stop."

I sniff. I can't fight back tears anymore.

"I just needed to make it stop Cleo." I repeat. "Please make it stop." Even to my own ears, my voice sounds unbearably broken.

Next thing I know, I'm sobbing and crying in my best-friend's arms, as she gently strokes my hair, murmuring comforting words.

I think she starts crying too at some point.

I don't know how much time we spend in each other's arms, her silently comforting me, trying so hard to make me feel better, even though right now I don't think I'll ever get there.

I feel so fucking lost. And numb. Like I'm floating inside of my body.

When I finally calm down, she hands me a bottle of water with an encouraging smile. I drink from it.

I need to get my mind off of everything.

I try to ease the sad mood by asking her, "So, how is it going between you and Ellis ?"

Her smile immediately fades, and she takes a serious expression.

"It didn't work out between us." She says simply.

I'm confused, but when I tell her to explain, she only shrugs and says she'll do it in details when I get out of the hospital, and that I need to rest.

I don't protest.

She spends the night with me, the ache in my chest growing bigger and bigger, and despite Cleo's presence, I feel more alone than I've ever felt before.