Chapter 20, Esmeralda

What the hell is going on, right now ?

If I wasn't so angry and confused, I would either be having a panic attack or crying my eyes out.

"How am I lying to you ?! Two years ago, you were my best friend in the entire goddamn world. And I was in love with you."

I've never said that out loud. To anyone.

For a second, his angry eyes widen and soften. Then they harden again.

"And when you confessed your feelings to me, I felt on top of the world. I told you I loved you too, and the next morning, you didn't even want to speak to me. I didn't even understand why. You insulted and humiliated me." I am fighting not to let my tears flow. He doesn't deserve them. "You broke my heart, when I did nothing to you." I repeat.

"Nothing ? You did nothing to me ?" He raises his voice, "I confessed my feelings to you, I told you my darkest secrets, and what did you do, then, Esmeralda ?" He looks at me straight in the eyes and I furrow my brows, confused again.

"That day, after you told me you had feelings for me too, I came over to your house, I was about to knock on your door when I saw you."

Nausea immediately rushes through me, when I remember what happened that day.

Oh my fucking God.

"There was a naked guy on your bed, while you were getting dressed."

My heart drops all the way down to my stomach.

That's what he thinks happened, huh?

He thinks I played with his feelings, and slept with someone else.

Tears finally fight their way to my cheeks, and a lump tightens my throat.

"That's not what happened, Milo" I say weakly.

His jaw tightens, and his eyes are bloodshot. He looks so angry right now, it's almost scary. Almost. He stands up abruptly, and I fight the urge to flinch.

"For fuck's sake ! I saw you in bed with some random guy, Esmeralda. You can't tell me that that's not what happened !"

I am going to be sick.

"He wasn't some random guy." My voice quivers, and that's when I realise that the truth is going to come out.

The truth that even I am scared to face.

It's coming out.

"Then who was he ?!" He shakes his head, looking as exhausted as I feel.

"Who was he ?!" He yells this time, at my lack of response.

I take a deep breath.

"My rapist."

One second Milo was standing.

The next he fell down on his knees in front of me.

There is utter shock on his face at the truth I just revealed. His face is contorted by anger, panic, fear, despair.

Then, I see his shoulders begin to shake, and I realize he is weeping.

Oh my fuck.

I am crying too as I kneel in front of him and cup his face in my hands.

He is shaking so hard I think he might break, and I bring him to my chest as we both sob.

I cannot believe I just revealed that, the secret that I was supposed to bring to my grave. I can't believe it. For so damn long I thought he knew, that he hated me for it. But it turns out he saw me... Oh my God. For a second I wonder why he hasn't left yet. Everyone else would.

After a few seconds, I pull out of the embrace and look at him.

There is such sorrow and pain in his green eyes that I am speechless for a second, but I need him to understand, I need him to know what really happened.

"You need to listen to me, Milo. You need to hear everything."

He nods weakly as I put him on his feet and make him sit on the couch bed.

I wait for him to calm down and pull myself together in the meantime. I need to be strong.

I take a deep breath and start telling my story.

"When I was sixteen, my parents homeschooled me. My math teacher, he- he was always very touchy and flirty with me, but I didn't think anything of it at first, I was actually flattered because I was a teenaged girl in desperate need of attention. But as soon as I turned seventeen, he started to rape me at the end of every lesson." I urge my voice not to quiver or break. "He said he would show me how good of a girl I was. I didn't tell anyone, because he kept repeating that if anyone found out, they would be disgusted in me, and I was so scared you would hate me if you found out, so I kept my mouth shut. A few months after the first time he sexually assaulted me, I made my first suicide attempt. I told my parents that I was shaving my arms, and that I accidentally cut myself, when I had actually tried to end my life. After that, the panic attacks started."

I see Milo swallow, letting every information set in. His hands are shaking. He looks like he's in physical pain.

I let silent tears flow down my cheeks, and force myself to continue.

"The day you saw me, was the last time I saw that teacher. I was going to graduate two days after, so he made the most of it. I bled."

I swallow another sob, as I try to block out the way too vivid memories.

"I was so confused when you didn't want to speak to me anymore, when you called me a slut, I thought- I thought you found out what was actually going on, so I decided to leave Los Angeles. To leave everything and everyone and start a new life. I started going to therapy and taking anxiety pills. When I feel extra bad I take more than one. That day, when you brought me to the hospital, it was because I overdosed taking five pills."

He rubs his hands all over his face now, like he wants to wake up from a nightmare. Except this nightmare is real.

"I loved you, I love you, Milo. I cannot deny it any longer." I move towards him and join my forehead with his, "I'm sorry for making you hate me for so long." My voice breaks this time, and he joins his forehead with mine.

His voice is so broken, and shocked and filled with guilt, "Don't you dare apologize. I am sorry. I'm so sorry Esmeralda. I should have listened to what you had to say, I shouldn't have insulted or humiliated you, I shouldn't have wasted so many years hating you, I shouldn't have let you leave. I am sorry. I am so sorry." His voice breaks as more tears spill on his cheeks.

We both are breathing hard and my heart is hammering inside of my chest.

"I won't leave again." I whisper.

"Promise," he breathes. Our lips a few inches apart. "Promise me you'll never leave me again."

I slowly pull my head back to look at him. His green eyes piercing everything in me, making the walls I spent years building crumble down in a few seconds.

"I promise."I answer, my voice hoarse, "with every piece of my heart, no matter how weak, tired or broken I am, I promise to be with you until every star in the universe stops burning from the sky."

His lips find mine and this kiss is nothing like the one we shared in Paris. This one is slow and gentle, as if he's apologizing again and again without words. I can taste both our tears. He kisses me as if I might slip away from him at any moment. My body feels like it's on fire, and all I want is him. To have his hands on me, to make me believe that everything is real, that this is happening. His touch ignites chills on my body. It makes me feel more alive than I've ever been. The kiss turns hard and heated, and I almost groan when he cups my chin to deepen it, changing the angle.

I straddle his lap and he puts his hands on my waist to keep me in place.

"Are you sure ?" He asks me, pulling back after a few seconds. He's asking me if I want to do this, if I'm ready.

I am. Even with everything I just revealed, part of me feels immense relief that he isn't disgusted in me, like I thought he would be. We've both spent so long fighting out feelings and the tension between us, that now that we finally gave in, we can't seem to stop.

I only accentuate the kiss in answer, and part my lips to welcome his greedy tongue in. He sucks on my own tongue and I moan in pleasure.

I let my hands roam all over his chest and take his shirt off. He unclasps my bra, as he trails kisses from my neck down to my chest.

Even as butterflies dance in my stomach and heat builds between my legs, apprehension gets the better of me.

He stops to look up at me when I stop being as responsive.

"Are you okay ? Do you want to stop ?" He pulls away, gently moving the hair out of my face.

"Yes, I mean no, I- it's perfect, I just...I have never done anything...consensual before, so I'm quite unexperienced." I stumble on my words and feel my cheeks heat up with embarrassment, Milo bristles at my use of words, then takes my face in his hands, swiping his thumb over my cheeks in a comforting gesture.

"It's okay, baby. I can teach you." He says, looking at me with such honesty and vulnerability that I want to cry. "You show me what you like and I show you what I like, okay ?"

I nod. It really took him one sentence to make me trust him completely. This time, I'm the one to kiss him first.

He moves his hands to my waist and starts slowly unbuttoning my jeans, kissing every inch of my skin.

I put my hands through his dark brown hair as he lays me down on my back, I raise myself on my elbows as he takes my pants off.

"You're so beautiful." He tells me in a low growl and I shiver with desire and anticipation when he settles between my legs.

At the first strokes of his skilled tongue I am undone.

"You're mine." He groans, when I moan again.

"And I am yours." He adds, kissing my inner thighs. I think I'm crying.

And as the night sets in, from dusk till dawn, he makes love to me until every broken bit of my soul is healed.