Chapter 22, Esmeralda

Love isn't an unknown feeling for me.

I love my family, I love my job, I love to sing, I love dogs, and the rain, I love to read, and travel, and buy gifts for people, but loving Milo Chase is a whole other form of loving. It's sweet, it's unpredictable , it's excruciating — but in a good way — and most of all powerful.

These past two days have been the best I've spent in my entire life. Milo and I spent all of them together, we had restaurants dates, ice-cream dates, we even went to the movies and watched an old film he starred in. I was laughing at him the whole time.
We had sex — a lot, and I really didn't think that it could be so enjoyable, after everything happened, I didn't allow myself to think about it in a good way, because I was terrified of the memories it would bring me if I tried to, but somehow, when I'm with Milo, I can't think about anything else but him. He taught me everything, and was so patient with me, he would always ask me if I was fine, if I wanted to stop, or if I was okay with the things we experienced, and it made the whole thing so...intimate. And so particularly filled with love that I cried at multiple times. Milo did too.

He left earlier this morning, and I have to admit that I am very sad to let him go for a whole month, but I think it will be very beneficial for the two of us, since we've spent so long despising each other and now that we've finally made peace with our feelings, a small break is needed to re-focus on work, and figure other things out. I will take advantage of this month to give everything I have on the work for the charity, and do more modeling, because I realized that I am quite enjoying it now. I think the whole reason of why I stopped doing it was because I just needed to get away from everything. After I was free from the rape, all I wanted was to be forgotten by everyone and become an invisible someone else. I spoke to Milo about the reason I came to his apartment in the first place, and he advised me to let the brand deal go, and write an e-mail to the CEO to inform him of the body shaming I experienced. I might have threatened to expose them on social media, but that's a story for another day. I received a whole lot of apologies and even a bouquet of flowers that I sent back.

Oddly enough, no that the whole thing with Milo calmed down, I have stopped experiencing as much anxiety, and I feel pretty relaxed in his presence, which became very rare for me. But obviously, now I have to announce the news to my family, and that would mean tell them about the rape. I already want to throw up from the sole thought. I am scared of their reactions. What if they're ashamed of me ?

No. They love me, they would never be ashamed of me.

I tried to call my best friend Cleo multiple times yesterday and today, but she never picked up the phone. I made myself a mental promise to go over to her house this afternoon, because her lack of activity on social media and her not answering my calls and texts is really starting to worry me. I message her one last time, before getting out of my car, and letting myself inside my house. I take a few deep calming breaths before striding in, where my whole family is having animated conversations in the living room. I feel bad for ruining their mood.

Rita is the first to notice me, and she jumps from her seat to hug me tightly. I hug her back, already feeling better and less tense. She still isn't fully showing but has a small bump, and puts a protective hand on it when we pull back.

"Hi babe ! I've missed you !" She smiles at me, and I can't help but smile back.

"I missed you too, Ri'. How is the baby doing ? And Hunter ?"

"Oh, the baby's fine. I had my first ultrasound yesterday. I cannot wait to find out the gender. And Hunter's very busy with work right now, so I don't even get the chance to have full convos with him."

My parents both get up from the sofa and embrace me as well.

"Hi Mom. Hi Dad."

"My darling, how are you doing ? I feel like I haven't seen you in a while. You were spending the night at Cleo's, right ?"

I nod. This the excuse I pulled at them, so they don't question why 'I'm not sleeping at home.

When we're finally all seated, I brace myself.

"I wanted to talk to you guys about something important." I start, joining my hands together so I don't fidget.

I immediately have everyone's full attention.

"You must know, that, uh, me and Milo are kind of in a relationship now." I swallow the anxiety bulge in my throat.

Rita blinks a few times, no real surprise showing. None on my parents either.

"You're together, as in fake dating, right ?" My Dad asks, as oblivious as my Mom and sister.

"No."

"What do you mean, no ?" My Mom intervenes, confused.

I purse my lips, "We're really together. In love, actually." I blurt, because we might as well just take the band-aid off in one shot.

Rita blinks again, "What the fuck ?! De qué estás hablando ?!"

Uh, oh. She's speaking Spanish. That's like, the worst thing ever. My father's family is originally from Spain, so we learned to speak Spanish when we were babies, but the language wore off, and we mostly speak English now. My father used to yell and lecture us in his first language, and we picked up the habit from him. When someone starts talking in Spanish, that means one of us is in deep shit.

"Mind your language, hijá." Dad cuts in sharply.

"Dios Mio, did you hear what she just said ? She is in love with Milo Chase. Milo Chase, Dad !" She repeats for emphasis, face red with frustration. Mom joins in, and soon enough, they all start bickering and talking about me as if I am not just right there. I don't think adding stress to Rita's already stressful as fuck life will be of any help, especially not when she's pregnant, so I decide to be firm about it. I need to tell them everything, now.

"You guys, stop ! I am right here." Everyone stops talking, turning to me. "Hello !" I wave my hands dramatically. "There are a lot of things I need to tell you, and I know it will hurt, and I am very sorry about it, but I don't think I can hold it back much longer."

And so, for what seems like hours, I tell them everything, from the first time the teacher raped me, to the times where I tried to commit suicide, and everything in between. When I am done, My Mom and sister are a sobbing mess, and my father is livid with shock. I started crying too, at one point. They ask the questions they need to ask, tell me I need to press charges, and all of the things I thought about hundreds of times, and I just tell them that even with our very competent attorneys and lawyers, there is no real proof except it being my word against his. When they finally drop trying to convince me, I comfort my mother, who won't stop apologizing to me for not having noticed it, and I tell them that it is none of their faults and that they shouldn't feel guilty at all. After we take breaks to recompose ourselves, I finally tell them about Milo and I, sparing a lot of details, and only explaining the bare minimum to understand. At the end of it, we all hug multiple times, they apologize hundreds of times more, and I finally get to get some air, and go to my room, where I make a mental recap of everything that's happened so far.

I don't feel bad, or awful, just at peace with myself, I guess ?

I try to FaceTime Milo, then realize that it must be late for him in France, and that he must be tired as fuck from the jet-lag and the flight. I'll try to call him tomorrow night.

Somehow, I feel like a considerable weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Goddamn, secrets weight way more than we may think.