Chapter 18, Esmeralda

It's the middle of the night, and I've been starving myself for a whole day.

Earlier this morning, I went to work for a photoshoot for a brand deal I was supposed to sign.
The photographer told me I needed to lose weight, that my body wasn't ideal for what they wanted. I was shocked, to say the least. I've never really had problems with my body image, even if I get insecure from time to time, but right now, my body dysmorphia is through the fucking roof right now. I can swear that, last night when I looked at myself in the mirror I was thinner. Now my face is rounder, and my stomach doesn't look as flat as yesterday.

It has been a while since I've had so many panic attacks at the same time, but I am at my third one, and I don't even have any anxiety pills to help me because I threw them when I came back from the hospital. So I'm kind of stuck, at the moment.

I try to force myself to take deep breaths, but my hands are trembling and the tears won't stop falling. I feel like I'm fucking drowning. Just when I start to calm down, I can feel my fourth anxiety attack coming, and I don't think I can take it anymore. I have to slap a hand over my mouth not to wake up the whole house with my crying. Rita and Hunter are spending the night, and the last thing I want is ruin it for them.

I grab my phone from my desk, and try to keep my hands from shaking as I call my best friend, the only person who can possibly help me through it.

No answer. It's 1 AM, so of course she's not answering.

I then proceed to call the second person who could help me, I'll think of the consequences later, but right now I need him.

Fuck, I need him so much.

No answer.

My heart drops, and I swallow the immense bulge in my throat, and decide to shoot Ellis Chase a text.

Send me Milo's apartment location.

He doesn't ask for explanations, and does a few minutes later.

I am already dressed, and I only grab my car keys, before struggling to descend the stairs without making any noise. The traffic is empty because it's kinda late, so I follow the location on my cellphone, and fifteen minutes later, I am in the elevator of the big fancy building. My tears have stopped falling, but my breathing is still shallow and my hands trembling.

When I arrive at his door, I have to take a hundred deep breaths to finally knock at his door.

When I don't get an answer after a long while, I am ready to turn away, but the sound of the lock stops me in my tracks.

"Esmeralda ? What are you doing here ?" I turn around to face a shirtless Milo Chase. His cheeks are flushed, and his forehead sweaty. He's also out of breath. Was he working out at 1 AM, or what ?

I realize I haven't even thought about what I would say to him when I'm there. I guess I just needed to see him ? I don't even know at this point.

"Can I come in ?" I ask instead.

He cringes and I furrow my eyebrows, then notice he hasn't even opened his door wide.

I am about to say something when I hear a sweet clear female voice coming from inside, "Milo ? What's taking so long ?"

A brown-haired head appears in the doorway. I hear Milo muttering something to her and see her walk back inside.

I freeze. What the hell ?

He was sleeping with a woman ?

I feel my heart drop. I instantly feel stupid for coming here.

"Oh. I'm sorry for interrupting." I say quietly, because I think it's the only thing I can muster saying without bursting into fucking tears like a pathetic heartbroken teenager.

He grabs my wrist, and I cannot stand that touch. I cannot stand how much comfort it brings me even if I am furious at him.

"Esmeralda, it's not -"

"It doesn't matter." I cut in, "none of what we have is real anyway, right ?"

I can feel myself falling apart again, but I don't want to show it. I am not going to show him that I am hurt. I owe him nothing, and he owes me nothing, we're not even a real couple, for fuck's sake.

"The next time you want to take a girl to you bed, at least have the decency of choosing someone that doesn't look exactly like me. That's not really how you get someone out of your mind." I say drily.

I see the flicker of hurt that passes through his green eyes, and it immediately morphs into anger.

"What I do in my house is none of your business," he growls.

I explode, not caring if the neighbors hear every damn word of what I am saying.

"Of course it is ! It's insane how little respect you have for me ! What if someone saw you bring her here ? How will I look in everybody's eyes ? A hopeless naive girl who's been cheated on by her asshole of a boyfriend, but it's what guys do, right ? Can't blame them. Everyone will throw me a pity party, and everything they will ever see is how she's been heartbroken by Milo Chase. People will praise you, because guys like you never get away with anything, right !"

I am burning with anger, and tears are selling down my cheeks again. "Are you so cold hearted that you do not care about the impact your stupid actions will have on me ?!"

He doesn't hesitate to yell right back at me, "Of course I fucking care, Esmeralda ! That's why I can't stay away. Because I care so much I think it might break me in half sometimes !"

"Why ?!" I ask, my heart thundering against my chest.

My eyes meet his. I can see the conflict, anger, sadness, and everything in between in his green irises.

I push,"Why can't you stay away, Milo ?"

"Because I fucking love you !" He screams.

I freeze.

Everything seems to spin around me, as I try to wrap my mind over what he just said, the confession her just made. For a moment, only the sound of our uneven breathings fill the space. I don't know what to do with my body, I don't know what to think of anything.

"What ?" I croak, because that's the only thing I can manage right now.

"I love you." He repeats weakly.

Emotion tightens my throat. I have dreamed of hearing these words for so fucking long, but now that I have, I... I don't know what to do. I am so conflicted it scares me.

Should I leave ? Should I pretend like I didn't hear anything ? Should I-

"Don't leave. Please, don't leave again." His voice sounds weak and vulnerable. There are tears welling up in his eyes, when was the last time I saw him cry ?

I soften slightly.

"Can we talk inside ?"

He nods, and takes me inside, a few moments later, to my pleasure, the brunette leaves, after waving goodbye at me, and giving me a small smile, and — is that a round belly I see ? What the hell ?

I don't ask Milo about it, because I have way more important matters in hand. When it's only the two of us, I fall against the cushions of his sofa.

It's time we've had a conversation about everything.