#45 The brothers' talk

Sebastian's Point of View (3 years later)
What is this feeling they call love?
Artists, writers, poets, simple people all over the world worship and cherish that powerful emotion. Because love is powerful and destructive. Love can throw you in the deepest circle of Hell or send you to Paradise.
I was living my Hell on this planet, and I'm the only one responsible for that. I've made so many mistakes, and now it was time to pay for every single one of them…
My love for Olivia was gentle and subtle. She was my lover and my best friend. Back then, it felt right to propose to her, make her my wife and start a family with her. It wasn't easy to lose your fiancée a few months before your wedding. I was holding myself responsible for what happened to her for so many years.
I cried and mourned Olivia's loss, but if Evelyn had died, then I would have also died with her. After Liv's death, I was in pain just like any other human would have been when you lose someone you truly love. However, it wasn't that same sorrow you feel when you lose your soulmate. And that's because now I know that Evelyn was my soulmate, my other half…
I had vowed not to fall in love ever again after that terrible accident that killed my fiancée. I couldn't afford to go through the same Hell all over again. I used my grief and pain as an excuse to suppress and hide my true love and affection for Evelyn. I didn't want to accept my feelings because I knew that they would be the end of me.
I was afraid to lose another person dear to me.
But what an irony! That's precisely what happened.
I had to fall in love with Evelyn to realize what love means. Nothing can stop that blazing fire from burning my soul. It consumes me, and it's painful, yet it's the only thing that keeps me sane and alive. Because I know this is what my love for Evelyn feels like…
It isn't just love; it's madness yet sanity at the same time. Evelyn has eliminated my logic. She was controlling my mind, my thoughts, and my dreams. That blonde goddess was dominating my body in a way no other woman had managed before. She was my only one, but I was too blind to understand this earlier…
I was petrified when I realized how deeply in love I was with Evelyn. My carnal desire had transformed into an ocean of love, and I was drowning inside my passion. I bared my soul to her and gave her my heart. I was hers, but she was better without me...
I loved her so much that I let her go.
She was right. She'd have a better life away from my toxic behavior holding her back and making her miserable.
I wasn't capable of finding bliss because I was afraid to be happy. Or, to be more precise, I was scared of losing my happiness for yet another time. I was petrified to love Evelyn because, deep down, I knew how much pain and sadness I'd have to go through at the end.
And right when we started to plan a future together, right when I was opening up to her, I found out a truth that shocked me. I wasn't angry that Evelyn received Olivia's heart. On the contrary, I was relieved that she was alive. I was thrilled because she was the one who survived.
I didn't care that Olivia had died because Evelyn was alive. I would sacrifice everything I have, including my life, for Evelyn's happiness. I was willing to give up my company, my money, my status, everything I considered essential, just to see her one more time…
I spent two years grieving and mourning my lost love, only to realize that Olivia wasn't the love of my life. And that made me angry with myself, my fate, my actions. That's why I did the only thing I shouldn't have ever done. I broke out all my anger at Evelyn. I made her believe that I didn't love her and didn't care for her. I can't blame her because, most probably, I'd have thought the same thing.
I had her love as a given, and I didn't believe that she would ever leave me, and that was my biggest mistake. Her affection for me was strong, but it wasn't enough to excuse and forgive all my mistakes.
Evelyn went through Hell because of me. I was a jerk from the moment we met until the moment we broke up. I thought I could change, embrace my feelings and trust love once again, but I just fooled myself.
A man with no heart cannot love and care for anyone but himself…
I made her take that decision, I forced her to break up with me. I ignored her health problems; I even overlooked that she was carrying my child when I hurt her feelings and shattered her heart. She almost lost our child because of me. I almost killed both of them. I drove her away from me by hurting her so many times.
Thus, I don't blame her for leaving me.
I know that this was the best way to protect herself and our baby.
How could she trust me again when I kept repeating the same mistakes and hurting her?
I didn't explain my thoughts, my fears, and my feelings to her, at least not clearly enough. That's why she didn't believe me when I tried to apologize for the millionth time.
The shadows of my past kept me in the dark and forbade me from finding a bright future. However, I doubt whether I deserved a happily ever after. The Hell I live in is the best thing I could have asked for.
Never in my whole life have I been so self-conscious and sure about the things I wanted. I just needed Evelyn and our baby. My daughter was growing up without her father, and I was the one responsible for that.
I deserved my miserable life and the pain I felt each and every day. I deserved all this suffering because I've hurt the only person I truly loved in this world…
Three years passed by, and I never stopped looking for her without any result. She was hiding well, and I know that she didn't want to be found. Because if she had forgiven me, she would have left a hint, something that could lead me to her. I kept searching because I simply couldn't stop. However, for the first time in my life, I had accepted my defeat.
I dreamed of her every single night, and I imagined her every single moment of the day. No one knows how much I craved to see her and meet my daughter. My beautiful little angel was growing up without me. I wished she looked exactly like her mother. I silently prayed for them to be safe, healthy, and happy.
If only she could forgive me.
If only she could accept me back.
If only she could give me another chance…
Nickolas walked into my living room with a stern look on his face. He rarely came to visit me after Evelyn left. Thus, I gave him a perplexed look while a few disturbing thoughts formed in my mind.
"Long time, no see, brother…" I said, eyeing him curiously.
"We see each other every day at the company, Sebastian," my brother sighed.
"That's right, but you haven't paid me a visit since forever," I shrugged.
"Don't tell me I hurt your feelings…" Nick joked and took a seat in the white armchair on my left.
"I doubt anyone can hurt me more than myself," I whispered, running my hand through my hair.
Nick remained silent for a few moments, and then, he looked at me with a solemn expression. "I'm sorry, but I made a promise to myself. I shall always protect her, Sebastian, even if the one who endangers her is you…"
A sad smile appeared on my lips as these words left his lips. "You know I should have been the one making this promise, not you. Evelyn and my daughter are my everything."
Nick seemed to ignore my words, but he avoided looking at my face and cast his eyes at his intertwined fingers. "I must also apologize because it seems like I've been more loyal to everyone else besides you, Sebastian," he then said.
We both waited for so long to make this talk. We should have discussed this misunderstanding with each other sooner and resolved it.
"You always did what was best for me, but I was too blind to see it. You tried to help me by telling me half the truth about Evelyn. You protected her by keeping her identity confidential. You brought Evelyn to my life, but I only managed to hurt her more and break my heart once again. You don't need to apologize for anything, brother. I'm the one misjudging you all this time, and I'm deeply sorry about that…"
My words left Nickolas completely speechless. He just looked at me, blinking and trying not to burst into tears.
"But I'm still not revealing you the truth, Sebastian. I know where they are, yet I'm not telling you where to find them. I'm keeping you away from your happiness," Nick said in a broken voice.
A chuckle escaped my lips. Of course, I knew that Nickolas helped Evelyn escape and start a new life. I knew it, and I had allowed it. Because, deep down, I know that that's what she wanted. So, it didn't matter to me, as long as she was happy.
"Are they healthy and happy? Does my daughter look like her?" I asked after a few moments of silence.
Nickolas blinked a few times and cocked his head to the side. "Aren't you angry? I must admit this wasn't the exact reaction I expected from you."
"Oh, Nick, I'm happy when they are happy. Even if they are away. I've learned to live with that. I must now suffer the consequences of my actions."
"You've really changed, Sebastian. I told her, but she's still doubtful. You've really hurt her, you know…"
"I know. That's why I've backed away and let her be. I don't want to force her into being with me and keep her forever unhappy. She doesn't deserve it," I admitted, looking at my brother with a resolute expression. "Now, please, tell me, how are they?"
No one dared to say anything about Evelyn and my daughter while I was present during all these years. They talked while I wasn't there, or I pretended I didn't pay any attention. But, now, I desperately needed to hear about the queen of my heart and the princess of my life.
"They're both happy and healthy. Evelyn's spoiling your daughter, but I'm sure she can't help it… Well, none of us can," Nick admitted with a chuckle.
Oh, I don't doubt I'd have spoiled her- both of them, to be more precise…
"Have you met her?" I asked. My thirst for more details was evident in my voice and my facial expressions.
Nick nodded as a grin formed on his lips. "She's so sweet and has the cutest smile in the whole world. I'm sure you'll love her the moment you see her."
"I already love her, Nick. I love them both so much…"
"Then what are you waiting for? Go find them and win her back!" Nickolas exclaimed.
I gulped down the need to ask him about their whereabouts. Evelyn wouldn't forgive us for breaking her trust.
"I can't, Nick. I'll just give her another reason to hate me… I want to believe that she'll come back whenever she's ready," I said in a hoarse voice.
As much as it hurt me, I knew that she needed time to heal her wounds and mend her heart. And I was willing to wait for as long as it takes.
"I can show you some photos if you want to see your daughter…" Nickolas' voice brought me out of my thoughts.
I looked at him with wide eyes, and I shook my head without even realizing it. I was dying to see her, but if only I knew that this simple thing would have brought me so much more pain…