#46 A life full of pain

Sebastian's Point of View
I breathed in a few times to calm my erratically beating heart. I had only seen my daughter in my wildest dreams. I could only imagine her delicate face and beautiful eyes. Now that I had the opportunity to look at her figure, I was shaking like a fish out of water.
"Sebastian, are you okay?" my brother asked, troubled from my long pause.
"Of course. Please, I'd like to see these photos," I whispered and readjusted my position on the sofa.
Nickolas took out his phone and opened an album full of photos from a little girl. He scrolled back to the top, and pictures of an adorable baby came into view.
"That's Lily, your daughter, the day she was born," Nick muttered and turned his phone to me.
A small gasp escaped my lips, and my eyes burnt from the unshed tears. I looked at the baby, covered with a pink blanket, sleeping in Evelyn's arms. Lily, my daughter, had her eyes close, sleeping peacefully. Her hair was no more than a blonde fuzz, and her hands were forming tiny fists.
"She named her Lily. It was one of my favorites," I whispered, looking with wide eyes at the little creature in the photo.
"Her name suits her perfectly, I can assure you," Nick said and then showed me more photos.
I saw my daughter growing up from photos and videos. I listened to the first words she uttered and watched the first steps she made. I saw little glimpses from all the first times I've missed. On her first birthday, she was dressed like a princess in a pink dress made of tule. Her hair had grown and formed blonde curls, and her eyes were a mix of blue and grey. She sent air kisses and waved her hand goodbye to her uncle and aunt, making my heart ache even more.
"Her eyes turn grey when we take away her favorite toys. I swear she glares just like you," Nickolas said as an amused chuckle left his lips.
"It seems like she got only the anger and the lack of temper from me…" I said bitterly.
"She has her mother's smile and sweetness, though. I'm sorry, Sebastian, but she's going to have a huge success with boys in a few years…"
"She's not allowed to date until she's eighteen. Please, make sure of that!" I growled, and I earned a nod from him as he was too busy laughing at my frustration.
My heart skipped a beat when I noticed Evelyn in one of the photos. I gazed at her light blue eyes, trying to see a trace of sadness, yet I found nothing but joy. She was looking at her daughter with so much love and affection. My heart swelled in happiness, staring at their figures.
It was indeed the right choice to let her go. Their happiness was worth all the pain and misery I felt each and every day.
"Lily doesn't have any problem with her heart, right?" I asked after silently looking at the photos for a while.
"No, she's perfectly healthy. We ran a series of tests right after her birth, and we keep checking up on her regularly," Nickolas replied and gave me a reassuring smile.
"That's good. How about Evelyn? Did she have any other complications?"
"She had some signs of mild heart failure during the late months of her pregnancy. She had a natural birth under the close surveillance of her doctors. But she's fine now. Lily is her whole world, but I know that she misses you, Sebastian…"
My eyes widened, and my lower lip twitched.
If only she knew how much I missed her…
"Did she tell you, or are you just making assumptions?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.
Nickolas chuckled, and I had to control my need to slap the back of his head. How could he make fun of something that important?
"You're both too stubborn to admit your feelings and mistakes and move on…" my brother muttered under his breath.
"Nickolas, don't play with my nerves…"
"She didn't tell me, but I know because I know her. And Sophie has noticed the same thing. She's happy, but it seems like something is missing from her life. She's too stubborn to admit that she wants you back…"
"Or too afraid, Nick. Don't forget how many times I've hurt her!" I countered back, running my hands through my hair.
How I wish I could mend her heart and start over once again…
"You both made mistakes. Besides, now you have changed. You must try and win them back!"
If Evelyn had forgiven me, then she would have accepted me back already.
"Nickolas, you didn't simply come here because you wanted all of a sudden to apologize and show me photos of my daughter, did you?" I asked, changing the topic of the conversation.
I heard him whisper something incoherently under his breath before he readjusted his stance.
"Well, that's true, Sebastian. I want to tell you something…" Nick said carefully.
"What's wrong? Are you in trouble?" I asked, eyeing him with knitted brows.
"No, of course not. It's something good…" Nick trailed off.
I sighed in relief and motioned for him to go on.
"I'm getting married to Sophie," my little brother then exclaimed. His eyes glistened with all the love and affection he felt for his partner.
"Nickolas! That's amazing! I'm so happy for you, brother," I told him as a genuine smile formed on my lips. I rarely smiled like this after my break-up with Evelyn.
"Thank you, Sebastian. I've something else to ask you, though..."
"Well, I doubt you need my permission to marry her, Nick," I chuckled this time, patting his back.
My brother smiled and shook his head. "No, but I'd love to have your blessing. Also, I'd like you to be my best man at the wedding."
I was surprised by his request. I thought we weren't on the best terms. That's why I didn't expect such a request. I didn't doubt that he had too many friends who could have asked instead of me. Yet, Nickolas picked me, despite everything I've done and said to him. I guess that what family means…
"It will be my honor, brother," I replied, feeling my eyes welling up with tears.
"Thank you!" Nickolas replied and hugged me tightly.
"You deserve to be happy. I know that you love Sophie a lot, and she also loves you. At least, I can see my nieces and nephews growing up," I said, patting my brother's back.
We both laughed, relieved, and happy with our conversation. We apologized to each other, and we had been forgiven. My family was always there for me, but I failed to see it. It was now time to move forward and leave all the painful memories behind.
Nickolas stayed for dinner, and he filled me in with all the details about the wedding. Apparently, Sophie and our mother had already started making the necessary preparations. I promised to organize an unforgettable bachelor party for Nick a few days before the wedding. Well, it was the best man's duty to take care of such things, and I took my role way too seriously.
"You know where they are, don't you?" Nickolas asked after we finished eating.
I took a sip of my wine and eyed him carefully before replying. "I don't know, Nick."
"Sebastian, you managed to uncover more sensitive information than Evelyn's current location…" Nick said suggestively.
"I never said I'm not looking for them. But I might not look the right way, Nick."
He just gave me a perplexed look and waited for me to elaborate.
"I've got a team searching for her. It's not the best team I could have, and it was my choice to hire them. I know that Evelyn doesn't want to be found, but I can't relax knowing that I'm sitting here doing nothing…"
A frown formed between his arched eyebrows, and he tapped his index finger on his jaw. "So, you hired a team of losers to satisfy both your worry and Evelyn's desire."
"Yes, you can put it that way. I have some leads about a possible location somewhere in Europe. It was England and then Italy, but they aren't certain," I shrugged.
"They are definitely a waste of time and money," Nick said with an eye roll.
I just chuckled and sipped some more of my wine.
It was good to have my brother back, and I promised to never let anything else tear us apart.
The wedding preparations kept us all busy and also brought me closer with my family again. I attended more family dinners and all the celebrations held before the actual wedding. My mom's hobby was to plan parties, and now she had another excuse to throw more without my dad complaining…
I allowed myself to embrace the joy I saw on my loved ones' faces. They were all so excited about this wedding, and I didn't doubt that they would have been just as thrilled about mine or my daughter's birth.
Nevertheless, I felt guilty for letting a ray of joy pass through the dark grey clouds of my soul. I didn't deserve any glee in my life after all the pain I had caused to my loved ones.
Despite everything I had done, I didn't cease to hope...
Deep down, I figured another reason I was looking forward to that wedding. It was Sophie's and Nick's, and they were both so close to Evelyn. Thus, I wanted to believe that she would also come, that this might be my chance to see her again and finally meet my daughter in person.
After that night, Nick kept me updated on everything that happened in Lily's life and all her new achievements. She became a part of my everyday life, even though I knew I wasn't part of hers.
I was afraid to ask what Evelyn had told her about her father, and I wasn't sure whether she was old enough to understand my absence. But, once, I dared to ask Nickolas whether Evelyn was seeing another man, and his negative reply relieved me greatly. I still might have a slight chance to win her back…
In the end, it proved that I had more nervousness about the wedding than the groom himself. Nickolas gave me a sip of the flask he was hiding in his inner pocket. The burning sensation of the scotch eased me a bit.
"She's not coming. You can relax…" Nickolas said, eyeing me with disappointment.
I turned to look at him with knitted brows.
Was the reason for my discomfort that obvious?
"Evelyn isn't coming. That's why you're worried, aren't you?" my brother added since I hadn't bothered replying to him.
"She's not coming to her best friend's wedding. I thought Sophie would have asked her to be her maid of honor or something…" I tried to reply indifferently.
"Sophie did ask her, and Evelyn is her honorable maid of honor. But she's not coming, brother. Despite everything we did to convince her, she decided not to come," Nickolas replied, giving me a sorry look.
I blinked a few times and tried to contain the pain that pierced through my body. It was like someone had punched me in the gut. I had been waiting for this day for two months, and it was all in vain. I desperately wanted to see her, but all my hopes were crushed into the harsh reality.
"She's not coming because of me, right?" I asked in a hoarse voice.
"I believe she has one too many reasons, and you're not her only worry. Please, promise me to at least try and enjoy this day, Sebastian…" Nickolas said, giving me a pleading look.
"Of course, I will. This is my little brother's wedding. You should wait until you hear my speech for the reception…" I told him with a wink.
Nickolas rolled his eyes and mumbled a series of curse words under his breath.
I must admit I did enjoy teasing him a lot…
The wedding was a more private ceremony with only our relatives and some close friends. It felt more intimate that way, and I understood perfectly why the couple had chosen it this way.
Sophie walked down the aisle with so much grace and elegance. Her chocolate brown eyes never left Nick's light brown ones. They stared at each other with so much love, I felt my heart sinking a bit more in the misery surrounding me.
All I could think of was how beautiful Evelyn would look walking down the aisle. Her light blue eyes would shine with love and joy. Our daughter would stand at the side along with her grandparents, gazing at us in excitement.
I almost heard Evelyn's voice saying her vows and promising eternal love and devotion to me. I swear I could smell her flowery scent filling the air around me. Like a mad man, I looked all over the chapel, searching for her delicate face and a pair of eyes I longed so much to see. But she wasn't there. She never came. And my heart shattered even more- if that's even possible…
I was the one to be blamed. No one else was responsible for my misery and my pain. I had to suffer everything because they were happy without me…
Nickolas and Sophie left for their honeymoon trip a few days after the wedding. Hence, I was left to deal with the whole company, something more difficult than I had initially thought. I had to worry about my job and also overlook everything that was supposed to be handled by Nickolas.
I didn't complain since my job always proved to be the best distraction for my mind. That didn't ease my sore heart and my aching soul, though.
My life was back to its grey shades with some glimpses of color whenever I met my family members. I could sense the pity and the sympathy in their looks, and to be honest, that's what angered me the most.
I had chosen this path for myself. This was my punishment for all the pain I caused to Evelyn and my daughter. It was in my hands to end all this if I wanted. But I didn't want to take that option away from her once again. I didn't want to force her to forgive me...
Sophie and Nickolas had a wonderful time during their honeymoon in Europe. They had many stories to tell us and many photos to show us when they returned. It seemed like they did some sightseeing and didn't spend all their time at their honeymoon suite…
I couldn't stop that pinch of jealousy forming inside my chest when I saw some photos with them and the two women who ruled my life. Nickolas admitted that they had indeed met Evelyn during their trip. By his defeated look, I realized that I wasn't going to see her anytime soon…
Or so I thought because fate plays some cruel games behind our backs…
I asked the team looking for Evelyn to intensify their research in the countries the newlyweds had visited. Maybe it was time to take back my luck into my own hands. I couldn't stand looking at their photos and being a silent observer in their lives. I wanted to meet my daughter, and I wanted Evelyn back…
Three months after Nick's wedding, we were back to our everyday lives. Nothing exciting was taking place in my life, and the meetings I had to attend were boring me to death. I had more important things to resolve than a business contract that could earn us a few more million dollars…
With the corner of my eyes, I saw the door burst open, and a feminine figure walked arrogantly inside the conference room. I turned around, surprised, to gaze at a pair of familiar light blue eyes. Evelyn's sun-kissed skin looked soft and smooth, and I yearned nothing more than to touch it.
I took a better look at her and realized that her clothes were wrinkled. Her long blonde hair was dissolved, and her delicate face was pale while dark circles had formed under her eyes.
I thought she was back to forgive me, but seeing the hatred and pain her eyes were holding, I reconsidered my ambitious thoughts. She was silently accusing me of something…
Her lips trembled, and her eyes seemed teary. Obviously, something was bothering her. As I was about to stand up and walk to her, her broken voice filled the silence of the room and made my blood run cold.
"Where is she? I want my daughter back, Sebastian!"