refuge and guilt I

Giulia De Angelis

A date, it was just a date and my foolish mind stipulates things that a few days ago I would be able to laugh at the mere thought, long ago the sleepless nights became a constant along with the repetitive nightmares. When one day everything was just simple without constant tears, but it's hard to learn by keeping hope in beautiful days that won't come back
Unlike that night when those dark eyes were shining like a light at the end of the tunnel, making peaceful sleep calm the rapid beats inside the chest, she remains hidden under the covers with a smile stamped on her face, not wanting to leave the shelter to face the day .
- Sorella, you're not a child anymore - I felt my heart stop with the deep voice resonating through the walls of the room, I had to lower the duvet a little, undoing the comfort .
Finding Giovanni sitting in the big armchair beside the room's balcony, wearing his usual gray suit and a navy blue tie contrasting with his eyes, wiggling his foot impatiently as usual, I sighed knowing that the minutes of peace had come to an end. Before pulling the rest of the quilt I noticed the bracelet, hiding under the covers again even in the face of the irritated sound.
I started trying to take the jewel out with my hands shaking, almost losing my breath listening to the sound of the door opening and closing knowing that Vincenzo must have entered the room, I scream when he pulls the sheet while I sigh in relief when I feel the small diamonds sinking in under my thigh, safe from their gaze.
I feel the bed sink in and I can't look up from the sheet I feel the rough hand running down my arm to my chin, I'm forced to look up to face my older brother, while Vincenzo uses his other hand to pull the fabric of the baby doll down leaving my breasts exposed.
— Giulia, we agreed that you would take that bastard's idea out of marrying you. - His serious voice sounds close to my ear, making my skin crawl, aggravating the discomfort .
“ Apparently not even useful for that, Sorella. Vincenzo adds, sinking my stomach.
The words are trapped along with the breath sensing the pain while his slow steps intensify the fear, the mind programmed to inhabit a better place collapses traveling to childhood. I need to get away from here , stop crying because the end is always near, I should have learned as soon as possible hope is not made for people like me, people who don't appreciate the love of family.
The smell of wet earth as I run across the yard getting my feet dirty in the mud, laughing against the wind touching my flushed skin and dripping sweat, the huge tree next to the walls helping to hide my small body as I try to gain a peek from my parents .
I can hear her sweet voice reverberating worried when she can't find me, I let out a cry when the strong arms pass around my waist spinning with me while the affectionate kiss finds my cheek, her laughs fill everything around with love and affection. I feel an inexplicable security mingling with the calm of being once again between my parents.
We run through the garden back home enjoying the moment between the three of us, I rush to the bathroom in a hurry to take a shower and be able to sit at the table with them.
In a blink the silence falls, making me anxious, I leave the room finding their bedroom door ajar, thunder starts to fall the voices are rising I feel my bare feet touching something gooey, sticky when looking at the floor the trail of blood leads to the suite.
Desperation increases along with the screams that escape my throat, feeling the fall as I fall sitting in the river of blood being taken little by little without being able to reach the door that would take me to them.
The pain running through my head was replaced by a slap bringing my mind back to reality, I realize I've run but not long enough, it's never enough, the white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up leaving the strong arms exposed as I remove the belt. I swallow hard, feeling my hands getting trapped before I even try, look up and meet eyes as blue as mine.
— I don't like to do this, Giulia, but won't you learn? — I look back at Giovanni now waiting for an answer as he puts the belt next to my knees.
"I tried..." I murmur.
“But not enough. he complains, fury contorting his features. "How can you disown your own family, Sorella, do you think it's a little how much I grieve for you?"
I felt the pain piercing my heart the ingratitude with which I repay them is not that of a proper sister. I let the tears flow.
— Forgiveness, fratello, perdoname — I beg sadly.
- How can I ? when you keep acting like this. ' This time it's Vincenzo who asks.
I swallow the answer because I know I'm guilty, I'm wrong and worst of all is having the notion that I deserve to be punished. I let the tears flow from the feeling of what's to come and nod my head accepting the blame for my shameful actions.
Giovanni takes the belt, I open my mouth and he puts the leather between my teeth walks across the room towards my dresser, returning with the wooden brush, his soft hand passes over my thighs, spreading my knees and leaving my intimacy exposed to yes. The first blow comes with everything forcing me to bite the leather even more, in the second I feel that I am no longer able to take it but I am held by the arms. The sobs and sobs running free as I get one, two, three shaking my body hard trying to escape my sins.
"Aren't you going to do Giulia anymore?" Vincenzo asks and I shake my head. — She hasn't learned yet, Giovanni, she says she won't, but she did.
I almost let go of the leather but my brother squeezes it between my teeth hurting his jaw and at that moment the spanking resumes, every inch of my thighs takes a hit, the exposed skin getting sore until he finally forgives what I've done.
“You know it's your fault, Sorella.” Vincenzo's voice is low. "Make Giacomo give up this luncheon wedding tomorrow and I promise to take good care of you, even if you don't deserve it."
"Let her come to me Vincenzo." - His voice is meek, it always is after punishment.
I am released with trembling legs dragging the body towards him, he lifts me by the knees putting my head against his shoulder stroking my hair. Secure tight against your vest covering dress shirt. When he sits in the armchair with my legs on either side of his lap, he pulls my face away, wiping away my tears. He opens the drawer of the small wooden table, taking out those bobby pins, placing them on my nipples. The sob escapes my throat drawing his fury again, gripping my waist tightly and slamming an open hand against the flesh of my ass as I scream in utter pain with no strength.
"Please, Giovanni, stop..."
His huge hand on my chin locked our gaze.
— You belong to me Giulia and you were only punished for being a bad woman.
I lower my face in front of the truth and lean my chest forward, getting her attention and earning her smile, when I attach the clamp to my free breast, pulling a smaller one down and placing it in my intimacy. I rest my hands on his shoulders, lifting the body soon I'm descending on the pulsing rigid member, feeling the flesh getting wet to receive it.
— Ah, my little Giulia, you like that, don't you… — Her dilated eyes shine with a pleasure that I don't feel but I know I should just agree.
I start the movement the way he taught, the way he likes it, hiding my face with the tears that are looking for a way out. There's nothing that doesn't cause pain, nothing that brings those butterflies and I instantly push the thoughts away from him, because I don't want to stain him with my sins.
When he roars reaching what he wants, I smile and at that moment I allow a smile to come out because if he is happy I am too. He lifts my body, I imagine he will lie down with me but instead he lowers my feet so they touch the floor turning me onto my back to find the small table which. I swallow the sob because I know that begging will make it worse. I go down on my knees climbing on the table leaving my face pressed against the wood while, Vicenzo fixes our gaze while he turns the ropes that tie my wrists and my ankles, the collar soon finds my neck.
I'm taken again as he pulls back lifting just enough for Vincenzo to take my mouth, smoothing the skin from which tears run in a steady stream. Open, exposed, humiliated for having had hope at some point, for having reproached those who accept the sinner under their own roof, corrupting their souls. I'm wet and I don't feel anything like I felt in that office, I shouldn't have the luxury of having something good when I've only caused inconvenience. The slap comes hard catching my attention. I realize that I almost lost consciousness with the lack of air, but the collar is not removed, now Vincenzo takes one of the ends of the rope and starts whipping my back, I am already hoarse from screaming so much and then he stops. Giovanni has reached his peak and now it's Vincenzo's turn. I feel the long, deep, strong thrusts taking every piece of me for their own. He finishes and then returns with one of his toys, pressing it against my aching flesh and eliciting more screams and shudders, spasms I can't control until he's satisfied and takes me one last time. Loosening the knots and carrying my limp body to the bed, naked, dirty and bleeding. I turn my body sideways pulling my knees up, getting into a fetal position, my hands caress my hair in a soft caress completely different from the first contact feeling the bile rising again when his lips touched my neck, catching my breath inside my chest until I almost suffocated, breathing again only when the door slams announcing the exit.
Tears fall in a steady stream breaking the dams, knowing there's no point in having any hope of getting out of hell when I'm to blame for being in it. The aching body collaborates with the pain that exists in my soul and mind, wishing I could go back to that flower garden without being able to escape this time I feel like I'm one step away from going crazy.