refuge and guilt II

Giulia De Angelis

The dark eyes asking permission to kiss, his quiet and demanding lips causing an upheaval of sensations inside my chest, increase the sobs that escape, an unattainable dream that for a moment I imagined being able to achieve.
silly
dumb
stupid
I will always be trapped here, chained to them.
liar
I let that man imagine that he was in front of an honorable and perfect woman to be his wife, raise a family and give him children, when all I am is a heap of rubbish contorted on an expensive mattress like a luxury ornament adorning the house with a sinful beauty destroying the promises of the brothers themselves.
A sinner spreading false hope for someone who brightened my last few weeks with pretty roses and cute sayings on small cards leaving their mark on this filthy heart of mine.
He deserves someone who makes him happy, an honorable wife who gives him children as beautiful as he is, forming one of those margarine commercial couples not just a facade that looks like beauty with blonde strands hiding rottenness, bitterness and guilt.
It's when the sun hits the window again that I realize I've spent the whole day lying here, the horizon covered by the orange tones of late afternoon covering the balcony. I take a deep breath seeking strength to get up, losing the battle right after, I give up. Longing to go back to the gentle touch feeling the guilt fighting a betrayal battle, after all I manage to be even worse, dreaming of being in the arms of that man betraying my brothers.
Ten years of being protected by them, even causing everything and ruining their lives just to keep safe inside this castle, my princess castle. I should have gone with them in that car, being with them going wherever they went would have been a lighter weight.
I pull the blanket over my whole body, hiding the shame under the blanket for skewing and breaking up my own family. I'm not even able to pray to apologize, there is no forgiveness.
How could I for a single moment think of leaving the only two people who truly love and care for me for someone who must only be deluding me with good promises. He will never accept who I am let alone marry a woman without honor.
The sound of the alarm goes off, awakening me from depressing thoughts, I pull back the cover discovering strong rays illuminating the horizon, I pick up the cell phone, turning off the irritating sound, knowing full well that my eyes will burn at any moment with the excruciating pain running through my eyelids.
I throw the device on the bed getting up slowly feeling the muscles stiff I walk straight to the bathroom turning on the bathtub faucet thinking what the fuck reason still makes me stay alive and standing. A twinge of memory and I run back to the bedroom jumping on the bed shaking the sheets until I breathe in relief when I find the delicate bracelet leading to the chest.
I go back to the bathroom, getting into the bathtub letting the water spill over the floor without turning off the faucet sinking into the water closing my eyes feeling the numbness take over my mind. I don't fight the shortness of breath, finally feeling free of the bonds, the calm voice takes over.
Come have lunch with me Bella - I want to deny it, I want to run away, I want to give up and all I can do is raise my face to her eyes that shine as if she were looking at something precious.
I get out of the bathtub, gasping and out of breath, resting my hand on the tile of the bathtub with the jewel between my fingers, the tears falling and the air burning my lungs. I feel the pain cutting through my heart at the same time that I realize the reality, I can't be a coward with him and run away, not with him.
Giacomo deserves the truth. I turn off the faucet and get out of the bathtub, resting my hands on the wall for strength, walking across the wet floor, I notice the water soaking the bedroom rug as I go straight to the closet, closing the door.
I choose a long dress with wide straps, covering my body in any way, I sit in the armchair looking in the mirror, I put on my bracelet and start preparing the good girl mask covering the dark circles under my eyes, a few purple spots revealing my sins, I brush my hair untangling my hair. wires, catching a platform jump.
When I'm finally done, I stand and stare at the china doll that hides a monster inside, causing temptation, discord and death within its own family, disgraced by pretending to be obedient, dressed like a princess.
Appearances are deceiving and the heart corrupts.
I leave the closet putting a jacket over my wrist to cover the bracelet, going into automatic mode taking my cell phone and purse, going down the stairs, kissing my brothers cheeks raising my head to try to be firm and only once in my life be able to help them with something.
in the car putting my head on the seat without taking a single second to look at the driver or the landscape, numb.