Light and darkness

Giulia De Angelis

I hid my face in the strong torso after asking to take off my dress shirt, the warm touch of the tattooed skin running all over my body creating a bubble of security in such a dirty place, the memories locked in somewhere that only Giacomo can place when he touches my body, the feelings shuffling all thoughts and his presence erasing all pain.
I wish I could say anything without crying, but guilt just lets me talk.
My brothers can arrive.
Needing to put some space between us before I go crazy and betray the only ones who've always done everything for me, his arms tightened around me, I let out a pained moan, surprised that he just let go instead of asking.
Don't worry about it, they won't come anytime soon.- I raised my head scared looking into his eyes.
What did you do?
Nothing, Julia. - He didn't try to hide the lie.
We are both liars. - I admitted with regret feeling the thick and heavy tear running down my face. - They are my brothers. - I spoke in a whisper trying to defend them.
I know.
I was speechless feeling the warm palm against my face with the thumb analyzing the path traced by the tear, seeking strength to ask the question even though I knew the answer.
Why are you here? - I sobbed even trying to contain the dam.
I came to take care of you. - I opened my eyes facing the truth stamped by the firm face, with the jaw clenched by anger.
He knew, somehow he knows, the flashes of the way he danced with me and the way he held my waist.
Did you know…
I spoke so softly I thought I didn't hear it until after a long sigh the deep voice rang out in all its fury.
Say one word Giulia, just one word and I'll walk through hell to rescue you.
I feel the sob escaping with the tears falling down my face, hope reverberating through the body at the same time that sins destroy a little more of my soul, taking courage and strength.
Just take care of me. - I sighed down the head.
The hard beats matched all the fury contained within the unspoken words I fingered under the dark tattoos etching the skin, discovering scars beneath each ink stroke.
I bite my lip hard feeling the blood filling my mouth and the pain in the bruised skin reverberating, the firm fingers pull the bruised lip lifting my face fixing our gazes.
The calm touch in contrast to the anger I should feel for messing with me so much, for desiring your touch even when I'm hurt, the silence that should impose a wall ends up melting the ice between us.
sorry for the lie
Pain for the wall erected between us
Anger that we are unable to deny the feeling
Hate for the scars etched into our souls
No silence could be louder than ours.
I wanted words to express how much your look warms and heals each of my scars, but it's impossible.
The memories run through the irises with intensity, crossing my body with fury, it is incessant and painful to feel the shame for the lie, the pain for the punishment moving with the feelings that only he can stir up and create. Our quiet, simple touch in such a dirty place, enveloped in the sparks of your hate, I finally figured out what to pray for.
I prayed to be consumed by the fire of your pain, your hate, to burn with your gaze.
Suddenly no paradise could make sense when it doesn't belong, the feeling of belonging crossing the heart for the first time in fifteen years being reciprocated by the same affectionate look of a cloudy day that remained in our past under an oak tree. The same man with as many layers and as many faces as the devil himself taking over every trace of my veins like a silent prayer to cross the lava fields of hell just to be by his side.
Unworthy of his protection and still under it somehow being bestowed by him, I lost my breath as I was subdued under the strong body spreading my legs apart to accommodate the wide hips and crying silently with his face settling on my breasts without taking his gaze from mine.
He didn't hide the desire to hate me too, let alone the fury that my lie had put us on opposite sides or the hurt for protecting my brothers. On the contrary, he made it so explicit that the fear of having to make a choice at some point gnawed at my gut with the feeling of betrayal, because even with everything I would still choose them over him.
His face contorted as if he were reading my thoughts.
Need to go. - And once again a different mask stands between us.
I closed my legs on his back using the last of my strength to try to hold him, his eyes closed in flight. If he feels as much as he says he does, why doesn't he try to understand a little, as I understood, he's my family, my brothers and loves like that, they shouldn't be disputed or measured by such tiny mistakes compared to the terrifying world we live in. Death surrounding us at all times, the constant feeling of loss appearing before our eyes and yet, looking into your eyes, I feel the pain... this pain of loss that runs through each of my veins.
Stay Please. - I beg in a low way even if he doesn't understand.
You don't want me here Giulia.- I shuddered at the anger in his voice. - Prefers to be beaten than….
His words died with my sob..
If you feel what you say you feel, why do you make me beg like that? I question instead of asking you why I don't understand what unites a family.
Bursting the bubble in which he contained himself, he ended up jumping out of bed, turning his back to me, taking his hands to his hair, pulling the strands hard in a mute despair, I got up grabbing his back, kissing his features, feeling his body stiffened by the fury emanating in cutting waves.
We're getting married in a few weeks. - I said in a rush without thinking. - This is going to end.
I still wish to kill them Giulia.- I shuddered.
Let's make a Deal.
You want to bargain with the Devil, Bella.
I was speechless with his quick movement demonstrating an unknown, cold and emotionless face.
I want to protect my family Giacomo, and it was you who said you wanted to be my husband. - I swallow hard, not being able to read his gaze. - Just let me handle this until the wedding.
I wanted to change his mind and say that I don't want to marry him, it's just too late, too late when I'm an addict wanting another dose of the drug that only he has and is capable of numbing all my scars.
I pull his face caressing the stubble loving the way the cold fades from the dark spheres warming with my touch raising a white flag between us.
Don't lie again. - The sharp voice shakes my mind.
I won't. - Your eyes admire the truth with which I make the promise while my heart corrupts a little more for not being able to fulfill it.
The guilt this time doesn't even appear when the strong arms close again, warming my body, inhaling the smell of my hair, erasing the memories, the touches and all the pain.
I accept the care when I am placed on the bed while he takes a towel and gently dries my hair, when satisfied he lies down under the quilt, opening a sideways smile that I am unable to deny as I lie back on his body, letting the lie become a truth at the same time. hiding the reality from him just to be worthy of his warm, firm touch.
However, I am surprised once again by the man full of facets who, given my lack of sleep, begins to ask about the colors I want for the wedding, music and flowers, covering my pains with such a pleasant subject.
We stayed in our bubble loving every hour talking like a couple arranging the details for after the wedding leaving his frustration with the lack of honeymoon open, at some point he pulled out a box of chocolates I hadn't seen yet and I found myself falling over a little more for the man with the taste of chocolate melting on my tongue under his gaze of admiration and gluttony.
The hours next to him were too fast, I didn't want to be taken by sleep which was impossible with the slow caress of his fingers in my hair, when I woke up with the screams of fury, I sat scared with fear thanking the heavens for him to be gone and weeping silently for wanting to go with him.