Guilt is a poison consumed cold and slowly

Giacomo

I bang my head once more against the bathroom wall using the sponge to try to clean the skin, feeling the disgust rising in my stomach as it mixes with the fury at being snubbed so much by that bastard. Knowing that sleeping is not a good idea, I get out of the shower by turning on the hydromassage faucet without even waiting for it to fill up, feeling the hot water against my skin.
Guilt corroding everything like a poison... I remember every detail and not even the red skin from so much rubbing is capable of erasing nothing is capable of erasing my betrayal, my choice, guilt being the worst companion in the loneliness of the apartment. Anyone who thinks that death and infidelity are unforgivable has never stopped to feel the bitter taste of lies burning in the back of their minds like a scratched CD.
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8……… fucking breaths to get my mind back on track shutting off the register, I open the glass shower and grab the black towel, cursing once again what I've become.
The payment for the murderer is to be sentenced to prison, depending on the state, he may receive the death penalty, the unfaithful loses his family, his wife and the liar only loses himself by deceiving others because at some point the lie itself has already been told so many times that it became a truth with a taste of unfaithfulness to his own and a taste of death for his own soul.
I force the steps back to the closet admiring the calm imposed by the organization of the pieces, in the distant past when I returned from initiation the feeling of being out of place, my body aching and my mind destroyed. I decided on the black suit with an Italian cut forming an inverted triangle, I opted for the matte royal blue tie, I admire the liveliness of the blue, reminding me of those irises burning with desire.
I run my hands through my hair, not caring about the desperate mess, the cacophony of thoughts creating chaos, instigating the monster, I lift my head, staring into the mirror, finally recognizing my true face.
No mask, no attempt at being a good guy or affectionate, just the monster that might push it away, I place my hands against the mirror feeling adrenaline rushing through my spine. I almost run out of the room, passing through the rooms quickly entering the library, locking the door and sucking in air as if I could already smell it.
smell of pain
smell of death
smell of blood
The putrid smell of my darkness permeating the apparently intact space like a church, my church, I move my armchair closer to the window opening the trapdoor loving the dark way the place is filled with mystery I take slow steps down the creaking wooden stairs satisfying the madness with the noise. When stepping on the last step, I turn on the yellow light affecting the eyes of the guest tied up like an animal ready for slaughter in my simple butcher shop, I love the way he moans without being able to pronounce the words due to the lack of the tongue torn out in my outbreak of fury after seeing the brand in Giulia.
I admired the way the man stood his ground all this time, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get him to bow and through all the lies, all the falsehoods and the horror I pulled out the wooden chair sitting in front of him. Seeking the silent words expressed in the green irises with the contours of old age marking the wrinkles across the face.
I pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lighting it with his old silver lighter that I picked up from the table next to me and bringing it to his lips, helping him to take a drag and then removing it.
You better wipe that proud smile off your old face. - I put the cigarette between his lips blowing the smoke in his face. - You know, in those moments I would like you to be a real father Antonio.
The smile at the corner of his mouth and the defiant look incited the monster, making his repudiation for everything very clear, for me, for the past, even if he's not under that cold, moss-covered tombstone, the man knows he's dead. I finish the cigarette putting out the butt on his chest, there isn't a single grunt as the pain is something very small compared to the rest.
I turn my back walking to the shelf, thinking how to solve the demonic thirst gnawing at my throat without getting my suit too dirty instantly attracted to the kerosene in a small glass bottle, I open the cap taking two steps towards you pouring the liquid in a trail that stops under your feet with the glass bottle turning a little I place the lid under the bottle leaving it tilted carefully so as not to dirty the edges of the suit, the liquid dripping to close the trail and the glass pointed at the specific points. I take the steps back seeing his curious look turning to fear as I take a new cigarette pulling the lighter out of my right pocket.
Ah father, you raised me better than this. - I open the evil smile dropping his lighter on the trail.
His moans soon begin to fill the room the heat of the fire taking over the darkness, I feel the monster smiling as he sits on the stairs watching the body burn and the ashes filling the place like a muffled barbecue, I admire the flames as they reach half of the man struggling I get up scooping up the cold dirty water kept in a bucket for a few days loving the feeling of pouring it into it. The extinguished flames producing sooty black smoke, I'll be forced to change my blazer before I leave, but that doesn't erase the beauty of the terror and pain expressed in her eyes. I go upstairs in the perfect good mood to focus the late afternoon and early evening on Antonella Bernardi's stupid party.
I find Hunter at the entrance to the ballroom parading fake smiles while talking to Bernardi, I deviate from the path, fleeing unwanted attention towards the back of the hall, taking advantage of the space between the entrance of the waiters and a wide pillar supporting the body without the slightest interest in acting cordially analyzing each of the ladies, I feel the presence without having to turn around with a smile.
I hope you have a good reason to get in the way of my escape from this hellhole.
I won't apologize for shattering your illusion of having a few days away from your palace.
I received a slap on the shoulder closing the smile knowing that the petite woman with a full and fiery body is huffing furiously, I remove the box from the inside pocket of the blazer turning my hand back feeling the round fingers tracing a path under the suit with a hand using my body like a wall and the other hand catching the gift.
It better be more expensive than your bride-to-be's wedding ring.
And then it's my turn to laugh at her teasing I look over her shoulder admiring her rosy cheeks and her eyes watering at her simple bracelet forming the design of waves on small pendants studded with diamonds, I admire the exact moment when she recovers her posture putting her bracelet and throwing the box on the floor.
You can't stay there for the whole party. - Snort. - By the way who will tell your suitor of our fucks me or you?
Even though I know it's a provocation, I close my face remembering the deal with Giulia and even after the weight of her lie reverberates in my chest like poison, I maintain my posture containing the desire to put Antonella against the wall and make her beg forgiveness.
And who's going to tell Jackson who the mystery blonde is?
You are short. - I hear the laughter in a low voice.
We both are, dear.
Fuck your Giacomo swagger, just get me in.
I look back over my shoulder to see the short girl finally admiring the work as a whole, probably wearing four-inch heels and still a good twenty short of me at 1.96. Wearing a black gown to thwart old dad and a V-neck showing off the full curves of her heavy, full breasts, her dark hair tied back in a bun, her neck I'm sure could knock the holiest of men off her feet for the scent of it. delicious making her a forbidden fruit in the middle of hell.
What are we talking about, dear? - I answer keeping the ironic tone.
You know what I'm talking about, now that you've taken Riina's place, you can help.
Antonella…. - I sigh at the request for the thousandth time, with the sound of rumbles I follow the gaze of the guests admiring Giulia's entrance in a light blue dress that marks her slim waist.
Last chance.
Distract them. - The words come out in a breath. - Antonella, there's no going back.
I notice without receiving any more looks from the brunette who comes out of hiding, rolling around the hall of the forced birthday, whispering in her father's ear, making firm steps towards her brothers.
*Exit the other side*
I send the message to Hunter following his movements across the room toward the back, neck cracking with tension attentive to the brothers' gazes on Bernadi and Antonella while Giulia is tense off to the side like a doll following orders.
And as much as all my instincts ask to protect her from the fury for the lie, it still burns like embers on my skin, so I put the cell phone away from behind the pillar without taking my eyes off her, which I notice immediately. The memories of the good feelings that the little one causes all buried by the blinding rage, I was honest just so that her choice was them. By God if I'm not a possessive, jealous bastard, now it's like a necessity to have his pain.
Without directing a glance at any of the people in the room, I end the distance between us by taking her hand and leading her to the dance floor with a frightened look, forcing my presence, my possession and evidencing the new couple in the middle of the floor by pulling his waist against my body swaying in a slow rhythm to the music having the desired effect of having both bastards' attention on us.
Giacomo...” His voice loses its strength as he meets my eyes.
I'm going to ask you one more time Giulia and I hope you think carefully before answering. - I feel your body shivering as I speak in your ear dragging a finger down your back looking directly into Giovanni's furious eyes. - Who hit you?
The small body hangs being disguised by the stop in the music, I pull away a little by squeezing her waist, preventing her escape as if it were an eternity in the few seconds in which the band plays again, together again our body forcing its rigid and tremulous movements.
It's like breaking beautiful glass, the blue eyes furious against the red cheeks and deep circles, the words forming and dying in the thin throat.
Let go of me Giacomo, I don't want to marry someone who accuses me of lying.
It was stronger than I, the laughter, the fury in the eyes of the brothers increasing being held only by the endless conversation of Antonella, Bernardi joining them Sartori and Ana, I could read in their lips the congratulation for seeing us as a beautiful couple.
It's too late now to say goodbye, Bella.
The whole hall is lost and it's just the two of us with the silent fury corrupting the moment, the words reverberating through the little girl's mind until she realizes looking around, the approving glances of some, the envious glances of others, the conversations becoming making chaos about the upcoming wedding and the couples joining us on the runway saying hello or congratulating each other.
Giacomo shouldn't have done that.
I analyze his pale face leaning his head against my shoulder appeasing the beast, I feel like an idiot.
Answer the question Giulia.
I fell.
Mesmerized by the lying angel, I bring my hand to his head cutting the final space to lay his head on my chest the public display of affection erupting like fireworks, I take a deep breath of his scent unable to change my mind even under his spell.
I'd rather feel a bullet going through my heart than accept your lies Giulia De Angelis. - I sigh without hiding the anger.
The blue irises are marked by suppressed tears, imprinted with fury.
I don't want to see you suffering Giacomo.
You are the only one capable of doing this. - I'm firm pulling your sigh.
Our dance remains slow even with the changes in music and rhythm, I mentally count each minute as I watch the words die on thin pink lips with a shade of lipstick different from their natural color.
I look around meeting Hunter's gaze buttoning his blazer as he leaves the kitchen, the brothers sitting with their backs to him, I stop our dance and pull her by the hand with the calm that remains.
We spend the rest of the night in a silent war of looks, there is no turning back, I smile in the corner taking a sip of the drink, exchanging a few words with those who dare to approach.
The echo of the lie between us and I should have pulled and struggled and forced like the asshole I am, rather than letting myself be bewitched, trapped in our lies.