Chapter Fifteen

When Castus fell back to push the breakfast trolley towards me I admired his figure from the edge of the bed. He had certainly grown a shit ton since I'd last seen him. Somehow it was easy to overlook, as though I still saw him as the tall shit that threw my school jumper in the organic trash because he thought it was some hilarious joke.

Castus was even taller now, stronger, his muscles bulged through every article of clothing. Not those gym muscles you see around the place, real strong rippling muscles, ones that came through the sheer repetition of work and exercise. His shoulders were much broader since I'd last seen him, they had a little protective hunch in them and rounded at the edges. He had changed a lot. Puberty had apparently taken place twice for the man.

I wanted to see what his wolf looked like now. I'd only seen it once before, I'd never been allowed on the hunting trips the rest of the pack had gone on. Way back, I remember, how they used to try to find excuses to make me stay with the girls instead.

They told me I'd done something wrong and I wasn't allowed, or that the girls needed help with something or rather. I pretended to be understanding, I went with the girls, but I always knew that they just didn't want me around the men, believing that the longer I would be around them the more chance I would end up mated to one of them, and Goddess forgive such impropriety as that!

I laughed at it now but the memory did still contain a somewhat bitter edge. Maybe I felt a little messed in the head because of it. Like they had fucked up my mind. Made me feel worthless and unwanted, left me in such a state. I still held a lot of resentment in their regard.

That brought my mind on a more intriguing matter. Where exactly were my family gone? My old pack mates, the teachers, the parents. I'd not seen one single face I could recognize. All of the ones I had seen were well built, handsome and rough looking young men from various different cultures with somewhat rugged features but none associated well with the stereotypical image of a city pack wolf.

I watched in silence as Castus lay a tray in front of me and signaled towards the breakfast trolley for me to decide what I wanted to eat.

"Can't I just get some cereal." I said, I was back to being cold, I couldn't give him the wrong idea. In the end Castus was still Castus no matter how much he had changed physically.

I could see the annoyance in his eyes and something inside me grinned a little. "Why the fuck would you want just cereal."

I shrugged a small uncaring shrug. "I'm just not comfortable having anything other than cereal for breakfast."

His glare centered on me. "Well then you'll be glad to know, it's not breakfast, it's dinner." He smirked a little at the end then forced back the glare.

My eyes widened and I just found myself staring at him, waiting for him to tell me it was a joke. Then my eyes turned back to the window, there were curtains in the way but I was well aware that there was absolutely no light coming through. It must be dark outside. What the fuck.

I knew he was finding it immensely funny and trying his best to keep his annoyance evident in his expression but the occasion twitch at his lips gave him away.

"Right." I murmured. Not sure what else I could say.

He didn't say any more either and simply gestured towards the tray.

I wanted to make him angry or something, overturn the tray, run out of the room nude. But in the end whatever had happened in the two years while I was away had changed him enough to be weirdly comfortable with the idea of paddling me, which was not a nice end to a short lived rebellion. It wasn't. Stop with the eyebrows you asshole! Listen to me I don't want to get paddled by him or anyone else and you'd better believe it. Ass.

I pointed towards the soup and watched as opened the steaming pot and took the ladle from within to serve me some soup in a green clay bowl. I couldn't help but stiff at the air as a thick cloud of the gorgeous scent wafted towards me.

He placed it on the tray in front of me and I immediately took it into my hands and warmed them on it.

"This smells good." I murmured, because it did.

He smiled, and I decided that I disliked the smile because he didn't deserve to smile because of me. Fucking asshole. Well if I couldn't leave I could at least piss him off beyond belief.

"So why was I in chains." I asked in a low tone. I ate as I spoke because although I had some intention of starting an argument with him at my increasing irritation, I was immensely hungry and I hadn't real good food like this in ages. And I mean ages.

"You were taking a long time to wake up, I had duties to attend to and couldn't wait for you to wake to argue with you into staying. I knew if I wasn't here with you when you woke up you would be long gone before I had any chance of getting to you." His eyes found mine and there was a fierceness in them that made me stare. "I'm not letting you go again."

Just that, just those words, they made me so happy. But along with that silent euphoria came along the guilt that my former anger and hurt had implanted into my brain as some kind of automatic reaction to such emotions.

I don't want to stay, I reminded myself.

"So this is my makeshift cell. Well at least there isn't blood on the ceiling." I looked back into my soup.

"It's not a cell." He said through gritted teeth. "Believe me, we have cells in this place, a nice long row of them, real fucking cells. This is not a fucking cell."

I didn't reply and a sort of silence consumed us. He seemed to be thinking real hard and I just hoped he popped a nerve doing so. I tried to eat as much as I could in the mean time, laying a plate full of any food that was up for offer. I was glad he wasn't watching me because I'm pretty sure I would have stuffed myself a great deal less and I was hungry.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, "you slept with that boy didn't you," he stated. Really there was no question to it, it just was as it was. Still he demanded that I answer him.

"Yep." I just nodded, as though every muscle in me wasn't tensing just to admit it. His feelings shouldn't matter to me.

He should be nothing to me at this point.

Anyway, even if I was able to somehow forgive all he'd done and Castus really did want me as a mate, it would never last. Castus was straight until he got lumbered with me. He'll see my body, wonder what the fuck he's supposed to be doing with it, then run away with his tail between his legs.

There was a sort of deadly rage that filled the room within seconds.

"We have both slept with others on the nights of heat, this I know. But you fucking slept with him the day before." He was angry. Very, very, very angry. And all I could do was keep eating. I couldn't look at him, I didn't dare, what sort of wolfish instinct might rule over my emotions is beyond me.

"Yep." I said again. This time more tightly constrained, like I had just choked on something and was trying not to cough. I was trying so hard not to show any emotion and just began really filling my mouth.

"That's all you have to say?!" His fist fell down on the frame of the bed and made such a loud sound that I jumped an involuntarily swallowed a large amount of the food I was still chewing. I tried to speak but my throat hurt. "You don't have any serious attachment to that boy do you?"

Suddenly the anger from before returned, and I was glad for it overturned any feelings of fear I felt for him. "Sure I do." I said, but I shrugged because I wasn't sure I wanted to bring Roy into this. Hell I'd already given him one scarring first time because of this dickheads interruption.

The growl that filled the room made me literally jump back. The sort of power that ran through it made the hairs on my skin stand up on end.

"That's too bad." Was all he said, the atmosphere was making it difficult to swallow. There was a pause before he continued. "You won't ever see him again anyway."

I looked up and immediately my eyes were caught by his, it was almost too fast, I swallowed. "You-.." I tried to think of a way to put it that wouldn't make me sound afraid, I couldn't think of one. "You didn't do anything to him did you?" There was saliva gathering at the bottom of my mouth and I tried to hold it in so I wouldn't swallow, it would make my fear obvious.

His smirk however made me gulp. "No I didn't. Well maybe I did..."

I glared at him with a poisoned look. "What the fuck did you do, Castus I swear I-"

He raised his hand and I slapped myself for being silence just by the signal. "Your precious little Roy has a mate of his own, did you know that?" He smirked like he thought he knew something I didn't.

I nodded, my eyes still very narrowed. "So."

He seemed a little surprised that his being mated wasn't news to me but continued with a careless shrug. "We found his current address, sent him a letter with his personal details, everything from his address to his number."

I stared at him. "Roy was rejected, it won't make a difference."

"So were you, by me, and I had to face it for two years every day looking for you. He still wants him, there is no fucking way he doesn't, that information will be too much, and then he can come from his little cave in Honolulu to take him back, how I don't care. Point is, little precious Roy won't give a shit about you then, he'll forget all about you."

I tried to suppress the shiver of anger that ran through me and shrugged, trying to start a strong silence between us. But then questions flooded in and I found myself dying to ask every one of them. He was looking for me?

A small part of me was tickled by this, happy and laughing at it at the same time. "You looked for me huh." I said in a low voice, not sure if I wanted him to hear it or not.

His fingers pulled my chin up so I had no choice but to meet his eyes. I stared up at them. "Every. Day."

"Why."

"I loved you. I love you still."

"You rejected me," I said with a flush of hurt and resentment rolling through my mind, "you rejected me in front of everyone. You screamed at me. You hurt me more than you will ever know, it cut deep Castus, maybe you don't understand that, but it cut deep. You weren't there to witness the months after. You never saw my struggle. But it was so hard, because while I was fucking scared out of my mind at being all on my own for the first time in my life with no one I knew or recognized, I also had this massive emptiness that fucked with me every time I told myself it would be alright. I was so fucking broken, and the worst of it was that I couldn't ever mourn right, 'cause it always felt like-... like in the end it was my fault anyway."

Even as he looked down on me I could still see the shimmer that flashed through his eyes, he was hurt, and he was guilty, and his eyes were glazed over because of it.

This big strong man was crying over me.

"Let me explain to you," he replied, his voice rusty sounding; as though he were desperately holding back tears, "I think you deserve an explanation."



[A/N] Doesn't feel like it but this was actually quite a long chapter. More screaming and tears next chapter, see you then!