Chapter Sixteen

Explain? What was there to explain? He'd made it perfectly clear what he thought of me the day he had me crying on the pack house kitchen floor. The moment he rejected me, the moment he started yelling at me, demeaning me, cursing me; I knew what he thought of me.

So maybe I'd expected it, but I never thought he would be as harsh as he was. I'd dreamed the night before, all sorts of possibilities of how it would go down. He would see me, realize, sneer in disgust and walk away. Maybe he would shake his head in disappointment. Maybe he would just run away. I'd planned on leaving before he managed to find out but I didn't manage to get away in time.

How was I supposed to get over that? He was my mate and yes I was bound to him but could I ever place trust in the man knowing how outraged he had acted upon finding me to be his mate. What could he possibly say that could justify his actions?

You know, I never left the pack, when I ran away I saw the pack mark slowly fade from my skin. Do you know what that means? Do you know? That means I never left them, they kicked me out.

I'd spent two years trying to quash the pain of rejection and betrayal in the darkest hole in my mind and Castus comes, drags me off to his fucking lair, and refreshes all those dark dusty memories.

Some people might think two years wasn't long. Have you ever lost someone? Have you ever mourned for two years? It lengthens the time, it makes it all so much longer. It felt like I'd been gone more than decades.

The cutting, the tears, the depression, and above all, the loneliness. How could that not leave a jagged scare somewhere in my mind?

I decided not to ever forgive him, because it would be better for me that way, because if he decided sooner or later that he, after all, did not want me, I would never have to suffer the same betrayal all over again.

"Excuses?" I sneered.

Our eyes met for a brief second before he turned to face the direction he was sitting in and stare straight ahead.

"Not an excuse, an explanation."

An explanation, yeah right, and what difference does it make? I felt a shiver run through me and suddenly I felt cold and tired, I wasn't one for emotional discussions and yet leave me alone with my mate for five minutes and I was there spilling my dark disheveled heart out to him.

I was exhausted, I couldn't find enough in me to argue so I just signaled for him to continue. Somehow out of the corner of his eye he saw me.

"I loved you, love you still." He said, his voice was low and it sounded more like a hum. The room was quiet. I stared at him. Was he fucking serious? Was he serious? I'd never heard bullshit as bad as that before, what an awful joke. After all he'd done to me, now he was saying he loved me?

"Oh, yeah, I forgot, it's custom to cheat on those you love. I forgot! Oh, crazy me, I should have known!" I snarled.

He caught my glare and his eyes turned dark.

"I know I did you wrong Sven but-"

I laughed, not out of amusement. "Oh, and when did you realize that?!"

"Let me speak."

"It's also not Sven. It's Stiles, I go by Stiles now, but you wouldn't know that," he tried to interrupt, "since I've been gone for two years."

"LET ME SPEAK!" He ordered.

My tongue swallowed itself and I felt my throat constrict. My entire body froze and tensed and I found myself complying whether I liked it or not. Castus had more power over me than I liked. If I were a part of his pack I would have my throat bared at this point, and by Luna do we all know how badly that might end. An unmarked wolf should never bare their throat to their mate unless they know what to expect.

His hands took a hold of my neck and his thumb traced my Adams apple, I shivered.

"I've always noticed you Sven. Call me what you want, say what you want, but it doesn't change any facts. When I was a kid I always thought I wanted to be friends with you, I followed you everywhere, you let me."

I stared at him. "I don't think I noticed.

He chuckled, but his eyes were dull. "You're probably right, I was quiet."

"How does this evolve into you beating the shit out of me twice a week."

I could see by his fidgeting how his agitation grew.

"When I went through my first puberty..." I tried to interrupt and ask him what the hell he meant by that but he raised his hand for my silence and my body just responded, tying my tongue in knots. "I started noticing you so much more than before... I... I would just watch you for ages and... And never really get bored. And then I started noticing how you looked in certain clothes and all the expressions you would make and the way your lips would just-... I got...

"I started realizing what was happening. And I denied it. I actually started chasing girls around just to convince myself against what my heart was already set on. But then I had this brilliant idea that I was all cured and my heart convinced my brain to try to befriend you at least and see what you were like..."

I had an awful idea I knew were this was going and I didn't want to hear it.

He held a glass and busied himself with filling it with freshly squeezed orange juice before turning away, his back completely to me as he started fidgeting. He laid the jug back down and offered me the glass.

I took it and sipped at it tentatively, wanting to do at least something while he talked other than stare off into space.

"But you were so cold and it just ripped my heart open, I tried being nice, I asked you over to my place but you just kept walking away and I felt like a crazy person, I already just wanted to drag you into my dads car and sellotape you to the seat so you'd just stay with me!" He growled and I shivered at the sound.

"Sven, you have no idea what I was thinking, I got really scared that I would end up forcing you to come and look like a weirdo to all my friends. I asked you like three times do you remember?"

I did remember. I hated the boy already, there was no chance I would go over to his house.

See when I was a kid I was a loner, not that I'd never had the chance to intermingle with the other kids at the beginning, but eventually no one wanted anything to do with me. So whenever a new kid joined our class and everyone took pleasure in treating them like crap, I would join them as a friend until they decided they were above me or they moved away.

Castus was known for leading most of the bullying against the new kids, he probably didn't even remember that. I'd watched him do it more than once but honestly I was a coward, I just couldn't stop him. Not only was I smaller in size and weight but he was also the alpha's son.

I just nodded my head a little.

"You just turned up your cute little button nose and walked off. I wanted to put you in my backpack, just take you. God, I was messed up. And then people began to stare and I felt like everyone was watching and started thinking they must know what I was thinking so I just.... Just attacked you."

He sighed and rested his head in his hands.

"Do you remember what I told you when I rejected you?" He asked.

I didn't, not word for word, mostly because it wasn't the exact words that mattered to me but the jist of what he was telling me. And I'd dreamed what had happened over and over again but in my dreams Castus just loomed over me, expression enraged, nothing but angry garble flowing out of his mouth as I sat there on the cold, cold, cold marble floor a sinking feeling making me feel smaller than ever.

I shook my head.

"I said I knew it was going to be you." His hand threaded through his hair. "Because I did, I knew, I'd been dreading it."

Once again I shook my head, too tired to spout venom but not yet unconscious enough not to respond.

"You cheated on me, love me or not, you fucking cheated on me!"

"My birthday was the day before, I didn't know that!"

"That means nothing to me, you're an alpha, you're supposed to stay celibate for your mate until he comes!"

He growled and his ash black eyes landed on mine, I shuffled back a little but stopped when I noticed he was watching.

"And what about you?!" He said. "Fucking someone at thirteen is staying clean for your mate is it? Just because I'm an alpha I'm the only one who has to stay untouched?!"

I shook my head, completely confused and agitated.

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, I never slept with anyone before I was rejected."

I watched with some satisfaction as he stopped, stared at me with open eyes and just froze. The no doubt turmoil going on in his mind was a mesh of blue red in his eyes. There was some sort of a disco happening in there.

"You said you weren't virgin."

I screwed up my eyebrows. "When??"

"We emptied your bag in the PE lost and found to make you dig for it, Law kept calling you virgin and you told him you weren't... You gave us details... You gave us all details and we called you names for it, we, well, I pretended to be all disgusted..."

I stared at him and then rolled my eyes. "That was obviously bullshit, he was taunting me so I lied. I was like the only out gay guy in school there was no way I was sleeping around at thirteen are you serious?"

He turned away but I could still see the faint blush on his cheeks, it was more visible on his ears and I decided that I loved that look.

"You gave us details." He said, his voice a great deal quieter.

I snorted. "I watched too much porn, don't get excited."

His hands covered his face and started rubbing his eyes in circles of frustration. "I called you a slut." He apparently just realized.

"Yes you did."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't care."

He suddenly turned to me and his wild black eyes caught me off guard.

"I'm not going to force you to fall in love with me again." He didn't need to. "But I want you to know that I can't let us be apart ever again. I will take care of you. You're mine. I fucked it up but in the end I can't leave you alone, you can't leave me alone, we were made for each other. I'm going to take care of you, I'm going to look after you." God, I wanted him to.

I just looked away and laid my now empty glass on the trolley. I couldn't think right now. I had a decision to make but I had barely any time to consider and my angel and my demon were both armed with a crap load of ammunition and were currently building bridges over to each other.

He got up and walked over to the door and I watched as he pulled the trolley back out through it. He then stood between the door and and stared at me before running a hand through his hair, he looked guilty.

"I'm sorry." He said again.

"Like I said, I don't care." I replied, wishing that was the truth.

"No..." He hesitated. "That apology was for something else."

I stared at him like he was a lunatic.

He then shut the door and I noted how he did not lock it.

I sat there in silence. Nothing but bombs could be heard in my mind, whispers from either shoulder.

Then I felt my eyelids flicker. They felt heavy. I tried to keep them open. What the fuck. I was feeling drowsy. I kept holding them open but they tried to clamp down on me. Each time I didn't focus they would start drooping closed again. I'd never been this tired, exhausted yes but this damn tired... No. I felt like my wolf was trying to take control. And this time he was succeeding?

What was happening?





[A/N] So yes I've been away, check my notifications, I always let my followers know why I'm absent. Thank you for being patient.