Chapter Twenty Nine

Castus thought I needed space and maybe he was right but when he left I realized just how painful it was to keep away from him. Every vessel of my being wanted to follow his trail into his studying and curl up into his lap, soak up that heat that he emanated and breath in the scent of him that I loved.

I hated knowing that I felt lonely without Castus, before he kidnapped me I was used to feeling a certain kind of hollowness and I knew it came from his rejection but I didn't realize how deeply rooted it was.

Even surrounded by the eager pack members who tried their best to make the pack house my home, who argued over the dinner table and fought each other in the vast gardens, including me as best they could. I still felt so alone.

Alone in a crowd.

And if I hadn't known how good is love could be then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad whenever I watched him leave the room.

The scars of rejection had never closed and finally I was being forced to recognise that. Something was holding me back from fully getting over that painful hurdle. A part of me thinks that what Castus did Castus paid for, another is angry that I paid for it too. How do you forgive someone for breaking your heart?

But beyond that, beyond the heart, the next worst thing to break, my pride.

And pride is a man that never forgets, and NEVER forgives.

And the heart is a man that always forgives because it has no fucking memory.

And the brain is an Olympic battle ground, on the sands of which my two gladiators fight in a battle that will never end.

I was happier thinking I wanted him to piss off while he hung around me than I am knowing that I miss him every time he leaves.

Whatever Castus took from the conversation he had, had made him wary of me in some way or another. He stopped guarding me like a rabid dog, he actually let the pack take me places. But he kept our meetings short and only over dinner. The rest of the day he spent with the pack, not including me, or in his study. What did he do in there?

That was another reason why I wasn't cut out to be a Luna, a Luna is supposed to know the complete ins and outs of the work his or her alpha does. All I could think of was maybe taxes?

All the girls had been forced to learn what it took to run that pack in hopes that one of them would eventually become Luna and be well prepared, naturally those twats hadn't thought of me.

Occasionally I would go out with some of the other pack members to the market and if I saw something I liked they were only too pushy to buy it for me. I didn't want that much, most of the things we got were just bought based on my passing comments on what looked nice and what didn't.

I knew why they'd bought me these things, like the cuddly multicoloured elephant, the checkered blanket, the lava lamp, and the four colourful cushions.

It was clear as day, they wanted me to feel more like this was home.

I couldn't deny it, it had been working, it feels like the walls aren't such strangers to me anymore, the bed was a mesh of colour, the friendly elephant seemingly always smiling kindly at me and the cushions and blanket were woven comfort.

But I was missing warmth. That special unattainable warmth, the sample of which I had tasted, tested, and loved when me and Castus kissed.

I tried to ignore it, I tried to fill that shadow with the pack members who were only too happy to show me around or play a game of snooker. Zack was on orders to keep away from me as much as was sane, he still went with us on trips but stayed obstinately silent and it drove me mad. He was the kind of guy you knew wanted to chat, always, a real talker. Seeing him shut up didn't have quite the effect you'd expect it to.

It was Wednesday today, as Zack reminded me in a whisper. I didn't understand why he bothered to tell me that until I saw the calendar I never knew existed hanging on the kitchen door.

His mother was coming today.

I never wanted to see that bitch again, if maybe not for the way they ran the pack maybe my parents wouldn't have treated me like they did, like a stain.

My mother absolutely adored Zacks mother. (My mother; Mallory Gale, Castus' Mother; Emlyn Rodriguez)

From what I know Mallory and Emlyn were good friends when they went to school together, after she took over the pack she became 'sterner' in my mothers own words. But my mother, ever the stubborn believer, chose to side with her in everything, in a way, choosing the sour old prune instead of me.

I hated Emlyn more than even my own mother who dished out the actual abuse, because I knew that what Mallory did to me was something she learned from Emlyn, Emlyn who hated boys that didn't act like 'men'.

My father was nasty too, in his own way, none of it in a solid form, one that was recognized enough for me to shun him for it. He wasn't there, he hated me, when he talked to me it was only ever intimidation, and as I said, he wasn't there.

Emlyn's mate was a real scumbag, he would often take punishments into his own hand, of course punishments from him were nothing like a spanking and more like having your head pounded in.

Calvin (Emlyn's mate) was dictatorial sort of man, he was stubborn and even if the entire world proved him wrong he would favour pride instead of truth and deny their validity.

I was always under the impression that it was still possible Emlyn was on the receiving end of the brunt of his anger, it was why I though she had such an angry look on her face when she punished the girls for small mistakes. The angry look that I had recognized as one her mate shared when he was pummeling my face in.

But I didn't care, I don't think of abuse as an excuse. Maybe a reason, maybe it takes some of the heat out of what they did, but it will never an excuse for what they do.

The house seemed quieter than normal, I wondered if they could sense what a nasty cow she was or if they'd met her before.

I sat in the kitchen when the bell rang and Zack rushed to the door, I could hear the rest of the pack slowly nearing the entrance but never approaching the door. It wasn't very respectful, especially as they know she was a former luna, so twenty brownie points to them.

Castus slowly came down the stairs as his mother stormed in, merely glancing at Zack before scowling and turning to see her son.

"Finally, it's been a long trip, is there any food?"

The painful look on his face made me feel bad for trying not to laugh.

"Yes, mother, there is always food."

"And who cooks it? This faggot?" She gestured in Zacks direction. "I won't eat anything he makes, I've told you that."

Castus stormed into the kitchen, past his mother, I could just about hear the words "then fucking starve" growled under his breath.

I sniggered.

His mother had followed fast on his tail just in time to hear me.

Her head snapped to her left to look at me, piercing eyes latching onto mine.

Determined not to be intimidated, to not retreat into the same tortoise shell I'd retreated in during the years I spent in her pack, I smiled.

It was an easy smile, I could see my reflection on the glass, not a smirk, not a trace of anger in sight. Almost as though I'd forgotten her, didn't care about her, it was just the smile I wanted.

And because I hadn't tried it felt so good, because it meant it was genuine, she didn't matter to me anymore, my parents didn't matter to me anymore. I was finally emotionally independent, well.. apart from the mate thing.

Her eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared.

"Hello, Mrs Rodriguez," I said just to rub my existence in her face, "Always a pleasure to see you."

Emlyns scowl grew to a horrific shape, Zack who had been following behind her saw the expression and went white as he fled, in the direction of Denis, I noticed.

"How dare you even-"

"Don't!" Castus warned, the power in his face raw as he walked over to me, hand on my shoulder.

She pulled back her claws a little but the expression on her face said she was going in for the kill anyway, even if she had realized it wasn't the right time.

"So, you're back."

I could feel Castus's warm fingers pressing against my neck.

"Yep," I sang cheerfully, "It's so good to be back."

Castus looked at me, his eyes light blue, eventually darkening around the middle.

feels so good to hear that .... even if he's just sayi... because...

The words were a message, no real voice used to say them yet somehow transmitted into my own mind, I looked at his hand, it must be, but it can't be.

Forcing myself to focus on the bitter lemon currently glaring at me I smiled again.

"You should be in a cage," She growled, "Deep in a cellar where you can't be seen."

I was about to say something witty in defence, to prove that her nasty little attack had proved fruitless, when Castus leaned forward and snarled, it was still a warning snarl but and angry one, it was loud, booming, sending the pack members who were still standing in the shadows waiting and watching scattering.

I could feel his fingers sharpen into claws on my shoulder.

Even his mother couldn't help but take a step back while I just sat there wondering why the sound didn't affect me like it usually did, why I was more inclined to lean towards him then run away.

Of course, because it isn't aimed at me, and because... well maybe there was some form of trust there.

Emlyn, who's face I had always remembered with a permanently tomato skin tone, had turned white in a matter of seconds. Her tiny eyes were wide with shock and her mouth parted as if wanting to say something but never quite finding the correct words.

"You will not insult my mate!" His voice boomed.

She took another step back but still refused to agree. Intimidated but still stubborn to the bone.

"I will not accept this," She gestured towards us, "I will talk to Sven when you are more agreeable, perhaps we can come to some sort of an arrangement." Her eyes promised me hell, more than that. I wanted to know what she was planning.

And with that she turned her nose up high and walked out of the door, the sound of her footsteps leading her to the South building while Zack, who had apparently gone deaf while Emlyn threw homophobic slurs in his direction, carried her luggage in through the door.

I could just about see Denis take the suitcases from him and dump them on the side, taking his hand and pulling him away.

I smiled, I felt good, she had threatened me, and all it did was make me realize just what an army I had behind me, each one of them hated her and in turn liked me. The odds were on my side.

So whatever she discussed, there was nothing she could offer me or blackmail me for that would send me on my way. And as such, I wasn't afraid, in fact, I was elated.

Bring it on bitch.