Chapter Thirty Three

I kept my head buried under the covers as Castus's footsteps approached from behind. He paused at the entry way and I silently cursed at myself for not having thought to close the door. I didn't want to talk to anyone, especially not him, especially not now. But instead of approaching he just stood there at the doorway watching me, I knew he was watching, I could feel him watching me.

The wolf in my simmered close to the surface and my fangs tingled the wolf in me begged to be close with my mate. It wanted contact, reassurance... relief? Don't ask.

I sighed and pressed my face in my hands. I tried to block out his scent as it slowly infused the space around me, I could feel his emotions in the air weighing down on me and I had to pull my head from the covers. I had to at least look at him.

His eyes pierced through mine as they met and suddenly I was drowning in a bowl of swirling colours, his eyes hypnotising me and drawing me closer. Every glace felt like another step towards him although I had, in fact, not moved at all.

I tried not to look affected, kept my mask of nonchalance on tight. But it wasn't fooling him, his face twisted into a grimace.

I scowled in my head, I couldn't let him pity me, I couldn't let him see that she had managed to hurt me.

Before I could break down I blurted out, "She's a right witch your mom."

His mouth twisted into a crooked smile, "Oh she can lay down some nasty spells alright."

I continued staring, questions filtered into my mind but I couldn't bring myself to ask them, they sounded too emotional, why couldn't I ask emotional questions? Why did it matter so much to me.

He stalked closer and immediately I had to tip my head back to keep the eye contact I was for some reason desperate to keep.

His eyes were comforting, so much solace and warmth twisted and danced in those heated eyes of his.

He could save me if I let him, I bet he could, but if I let him he might decide to break me and wouldn't that be much easier than saving me?

If I admitted, after all this time, after all the pain I'd inflicted on myself by looking back and living every day like it was the night following my rejection, if after all of that I turned around and looked Castus in the eye and admitted that I still loved him so much it made me cry at night, would it make me or break me?

Would my pride attack me for it? Would it humiliate me?

Would Castus love me or hate me? Would he reject me? Does he really, and I mean really, want me for the long haul?

Because...

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... (This is a saying (proverb?) that Bush said once, most people know how it ends but for those who don't the second line is; 'fool me twice shame on me'.)

When his knee landed on the bed I felt the mattress rise a little and my skin felt hyper aware as he sat down close to me and our arms touched.

That little contact, just that little bit of contact, was enough to send warm shivers across my body. Like I'd been in the cold without noticing it and finally sat down in a warm cocoon of blankets and hot water bottles.

I absentmindedly inhaled the air, even without the scent there was something lighter about it when Castus was around.

Was his mother right? Could he still be manipulated like that? Surely he was an adult now and couldn't be pushed around like that, but if he'd been exposed to all of that his whole life... wouldn't it be a pretty hard habit to break?

Would he go back to being ashamed of loving me?

Would I go back to suffering because of it?

I looked away and, oddly, the lights in the room seemed to dull slightly.

I wanted to know; was she ever any... different? Did she dote on you? Did she treat you... like she treats me? Did she ever hurt you? Why... why is she like that? And... well... Why is that woman such a cow?

I jumped a few inches when I heard his deep chuckle and I turned to frown at him.

"Don't insult cows Sven, it's very uncouth."

I tried not to laugh as my eyes widened, confusion mixed with hilarity making only more confusion.

Castus seemed a little more relaxed than usual and I wondered why, was it me? Was I somehow encouraging him by not stopping him, I should be stopping him but I didn't want to.

"How did you know what I... oh..." It often occurs to me just as I voice my question what the answer might be, could he really.

You get it don't you?

That fucking voice came out of literally nowhere and landed right in my brain so my jumping four feat into the air was a very justified reaction.

I tried to think the work yes but somehow the way it was a little quiet made me realize that somehow even though he could hear what I was thinking, and I could hear him, it was something that could be controlled.

Why?

Was all I managed to say when it was on purpose, actually my question should have been followed with - the fuck is this happening? But 'why' should do.

Castus didn't reply in thought.

"Because you're my fucking mate."

Our eyes met the second he said that and the emotion I saw cloud those stormy eyes forced me to look away.

His grip on my jaw was a tight one and it forced me to look him in the eyes again.

"Sven."

I couldn't talk.

The atmosphere started to feel heavier.

"What did she say to you?"

I tried to look in another direction, my head unconsciously trying to move with my eyes but his grip was firm on both my jaw and my gaze.

I probably should have just told him what she had said, made it seem like it was no big deal and she was just some crazy next door neighbour who thought I should die in a cell from heartbreak.

But I couldn't.

You know when you start thinking thoughts that make you really sad?

When you start thinking about those things in front of other people it provokes a certain reaction...

When you can't cry because you're looking someone in the eyes and you can't let them see into your soul like that.

Because everyone knows that when you cry all your alarm systems go off and your walls start crumbling down and all your security guards go out for a pint and all that's left in your big brain mansion is you sitting there crying, sobbing because someone hurt you and that could be someone else or it could have been you but if they see you when you cry they see you and all your loneliness too, all your fears start to surface and like from a punctured dam you know those tears will NEVER stop because that person inside you has also been hurting because they wanted someone to cry to.

So all those tears form a rock of tension in your throat, in your Adam's apple, and they stay there, preventing you from talking or moving at all. Talking will cause crying and crying never stops.

His eyes slowly narrowed, I began to smell anger in in his scent and my instinctual reaction was to show my belly, to reduce his anger in any way I could. Of course these instincts I quashed with all my strength.

His anger began to radiate throughout the room and it became harder for me to control, even when he had heard that Zack and I had kissed I hadn't felt such anger come off of him.

What had I done, was it just not replying that invoked this harsh, dark-as-death, anger.

The feel of it was choking me as it wrapped around me, displeasure blanketing me.

My lips began to tremble, his eyes were fiery red and almost violent in their radiance, I wanted to press my head under his chin, I wanted to see all that anger disintegrate.

"C- Cas- tus," I managed to choke out.

His eyes flashed, as though he had, perhaps, been a thousand miles away before he realized where he was.

"What did she say to you?" He demanded, well, it was a question but it felt more like an order.

My lips chattered, the anger was still rolling off him and I had to really pressure myself to keep ramrod stiff just keep the wolf in me from humiliating myself.

His eyes narrowed, if possible, even further.

"C-Castus- I can'-" I tried to say I can't speak but tears started welling in my eyes before I could complete a sentence. Oh God I tried to hold back those tears, the stone in my throat hurt so bad.

"What. Did. She say. To you!"

There was still no force speak in his words but it still almost hurt to keep from answering him.

His rage was growing and and the fire in his eyes growing darker yet somehow brighter at the same time.

I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop myself, I shifted under him, bared my neck and gave a long whine.

You wouldn't believe the kind of strange feeling you get when you shift under someone and they remain human, it's like when you become a wolf you suddenly realize they are still in human form, which is a strange form.

Think of it like languages. Suddenly your second language becomes your first and you listen to people talk in your what was formerly your first and think that it's strange and you want them to join you in talking in your first language.

(This will probably be confusing to people who don't have second languages, unfortunately I couldn't think of a second comparison.)

Castus was still Castus to me but a little more strange. Hmmm, if you're a wolf shifter imagine your friend shifted into a panther all of a sudden, or vice versa, like I said, strange.

He loomed over me and his eyes were wide, it was difficult to process exactly what that meant in wolf form but I felt the air around me clear as though someone had opened a window and warm spring air had rushed in and cleansed all the bad energy.

I felt pride wash over me as his anger was so easily shredded simply by my submission. And the human in me wasn't able to complicate things by trying to convince me to feel the humiliation I felt as a human, but it wasn't worth thinking about, not when I felt so good.

Still from the depth of my I was forced to crumble back into my human form, my trousers were now at the end of my feet and I couldn't see my shirt, was I wearing one?

I looked up into Castus's eyes and I saw the wonder in them and I tried not to be affected, I looked away.

He growled deep and loud and my head snapped back in his direction.

"I didn't mean to do that," I blurted out, a small part of me noted that the bucket of tears in me was no longer threatening to tilt to an unwise degree.

Castus held a short silence, "I know," He said, "But it feels so good to see it anyway."

He pushed himself off the bed and I felt an anxiety in me rising, I didn't want him to leave.

I didn't want to be alone, I hadn't wanted him to come in but he had now the mere idea of him leaving hurt.

"Don't-... Why are you going?"

"If-" He looked back at me then immediately looked away, "Stop fucking doing that with your eyes!" He grit his teeth and I registered the clenched fists from the corner of me eyes.

"W-what thing?"

"Pulling me in, making me- God just stop looking at me, why are your fucking eyes so-..."

I felt heat gather in my cheeks and had to change the subject.

"I- I don't- Why are you leaving?"

His growl this time was a long irritated one, "Because if I don't I'll fucking eat you up... You have no idea what you do to me, what you just did... I just... Not knowing- You have no fucking clue how euphoric it feels to get that kind of attention from you... even... even if I got the wrong way, even if it was just a misunderstanding that prompted it."

The need in his voice made my skin burn.

"It didn't feel so bad..." I murmured before I could stop myself, maybe subconsciously I'd said it on purpose in some attempt to make him stay, his waiting in the doorway was making me nervous.

His head snapped back and he pulled his eyes closed as though he were imagining something unbearable. "What. Didn't feel bad. Sven."

I could have been swimming in lava the way my cheeks felt, "Nothing," I bit back the urge to apologize, I felt like I was stirring him up on purpose. I mean I wasn't, probably.

Once again he grit his teeth together, "You're an annoying fucking tease you know that?"

I narrowed my eyes and clicked my tongue and he turned around and took a step to leave, "I don't know how I can hate you so much if I love you like I do."

He spun around before I could even register the movement and all I could see was the flash in his eyes before was suddenly all around me, smothering me, his body had mine splayed out across the bed. His deep harsh growl reverberated around the walls and my heart started beating like a hummingbird.

His heat was immediately soaking up my cold and any of my worries. I 'allowed myself' to stop thinking the moment I looked into his eyes and saw all the hope and all the love that was suspended there.

"What did you say?"

I bit my lip.

His eyes glanced down, then back to my eyes, then back down, before his lips smashed against mine and in what should have been a violent and probably painful kiss brought about the most heartwarming pleasure.

His tongue demanded dominance over mine and I granted it only because my brain was too fried to think to do anything else.

His entire body cloaked mine, I was still very much naked and the feeling of him fully clothed grinding against me was one of the weirdest yet undeniably sexiest things I'd ever come across.

His tongue swiped across my teeth which maybe should have been gross but it felt like he was trying to taste every inch of me, he moved down to my belly button and laid down a soft kiss, he proceeded to move up (not down to my disappointment) and pepper my stomach with kisses, I could feel the bristles on his chin that I couldn't see brushing against my skin and it left a strange tingle in it's path.

Every kiss gained a new moan from me and when I realized why he was working his way up instead of down I couldn't keep my cock from jumping to life, my eyes were automatically drawn to Castus' out of that insecurity you get (like am I the only one who's excited here) and I blushed at the sizable bulge pressing painfully against his track shorts.

Even my breathing felt like it was going in slow motion.

Am I going to let him do this? I thought.

But Castus didn't slow down enough for my insecurities to bite my ankle, his lips met mine for another scorching kiss that curled my toes and fried my brain.

Ah, fuck it. I gave in. Bite me.