48

James' jaw tightened, "I have feelings for you. You can not fake your responses. I saw your eyes, Kara. Those moments were not fake for you."
"I did! Everything was fake." Kara's voice shivered with anger, "And anyway, love is not something you need right? Wasn't it all about pleasure for you to too? Just to make sure your ego is fulfilled and I am also not taken away from you? You were going to dump me anyway once your 'mission' was done." her emotions were all over the place and were spilling out of her eyes till he bent his head and kissed those tears away. She tried to push him away but he held her wrists and pinned them above her head.
"Why did you run away?"
"I did not run away." she gritted out angrily, "I left a note and I informed you on intercom through voice mail." All the fear of hers had turned into anger the moment he started showing his concern for her.
"You did. Leaving my house without talking to me is running away from me, Kara."
"What about what you did, James? You are not at fault?"
 "It is not the truth. I know you saw through me but I never wanted to hurt you." Kara looked up at him in confusion while he continued to explain, "It is true that I never wanted Damon to snatch you away from me and the mere thought of you leaving me... it was excruciating. I don't even know what I was thinking. I was young and dumb. I thought it will not hurt me if I left you first instead of you realizing that you are..." he gulped hard and clenched his eyes tight, before speaking further, "instead of you realizing that I am not worth your time. I was scared that you were going to leave me one day the same way as everyone else. Kick me out of your life like I was never even a part of if. So I thought of this fucking dumb thing that I did not know if I was even going to complete or not. I have never NOT love you. There is no one else."
"I fucked Damon." Kara lied bitterly while staring straight in his eyes, "I kissed him, and I slept with him when I had left the city."
"-I don't give a damn." James interjected before she even had the time to finish her words, his voice shivered terribly while his eyes dripped with desperation "you are my habit. I need you more than even breaths. I want you with myself. I will marry you. I will will give you anything in this world exists. If I wanted to keep Damon away from everything I desired, I would have found any fucking way of doing that. I would have forcefully snatched everything from him if it was just my anger over everything about him and my family. I wanted you at all costs. You were not just some thing for me to let him have if everyone forced me to. You are the most important person for me, Kara."
"You lied." Kara murmured and looked away to hide the tears filling her eyes, "you are still lying to me."
He sat up straight while moving beside her and she turned away from him, hugging herself. She was getting tired of his excuses, and mostly of herself. How could she even trust him to be with herself. How could she feel desire for this man who had some other plans in his mind when his hands were on her body, promising her of his forever love?
"I can't marry you." Kara whispered, "it is not because my mother had asked me to marry Damon,  or because you were not planning to leave me, but for myself. I don't know half the things you hide from me. I don't know what you believe in. I don't even know when you will get angry and accuse me of things that I can not tolerate listening to.If one day we parted our ways then I will never be able to look into your parents' eyes for breaking their trust and Damon's heart and not to mention... the last thing my mom had only asked of me before leaving. I can not play house with you James. We are no longer kids. I don't want to care about you anymore and I don't want to be broken."
His eyes stared at her and she could tell he was angry. But she could not take any risk anymore. Not because the thought of marriage with James scared her, but because she could not put any trust in herself anymore. Seeing him angry and still being driven mad with desire for him gave her idea of how much she was in love with him and James... he might not take even a fraction of moment to break her heart if something happened. He turned ruthless when he got angry and she was afraid of risking her heart with him. She had thought she had stopped loving him long ago but he proved her wrong when he entered her life again and turned her world upside down. 
He was already the reason she was in pain right now once again. How long till something else irks him, and he bursts out on her? How long till he gets angry again leaving her heart in shreds.