Chapter 43 Dear John Letter

Trinity Stone broke my fucking heart.
What was it that made her change her mind? I really thought that she loved me the same way that I love her. I guess I was wrong. Was I so wrong that I was even perhaps just a toy to her? One thing that I failed to remember about the sweet innocent girl, was, apart from always getting what she wanted, she played her field and she played it wall.
So was I just another knot in her string? Another accomplishment?
No matter what Trinity s purpose was with me, I still fucking loved the woman and now I find myself in pieces. Well, pieces cannot even describe the state that my body and my home is in at present.
Trinity Stone, yet again, has brought Colton Cruz to his knees.
I have read the letter over so many times and I still do not fucking understand it.
Perhaps I should, or should I even dare, maybe I must, then again what will happen?
My goddamn heart will to torn and shattered. Do not even consider it Colton.
Every time, I think it can't get worse, I get even lower than I thought I could be. The ground opens up and swallows me further.
Trinity, you put me here. You dug my grave and buried me alive.
I have been screaming from the top of my voice. I have found anger that I never thought that I had. Anger that she has taught me now.
Nothing can make this better. There is no explanation, nothing that comes from her mouth that will make me understand.
She chose to hurt me every day, not only with this fucking letter but with her actions that came along.
I have found myself often, taking my phone in my hand, I want to confront her about her betrayal. I want to know why she took my time and made it an illusion that was built on love.
I feel robbed.
Like someone has stolen my time and my energy, but worst of all, my love. I gave her everything I had when it was not ever yours to get.
Trinity was never mine. Not for a moment.
No one will suffer as much as I do. I, maybe one day will accept what she has done, but I will never accept how she has treated me. She will have to live with yourself, while I will live with only but sadness.
It fucking scares me.
I am trying to pick up the pieces and yet, maybe I think it is even too early to try that. I will suffer alone. While she will go on with what she has always been doing. God knows what it is these days and yet if your dear old daddy even allows her.
But if I am not ready to pick up those pieces, I have now vowed that I am pushing myself away. I wish to remain alone and so fucking far away from her. Even if my love for her is still strong, I will force myself to move on.
Yes, as she said…Live does not always go as we plan.
Well, princess…you have pretty much planned my life for me. Only for the next immediate future. Only until I can say that I have rid myself of every goddamn image and feeling for you.
I guess the only good that has come from this, is that you showed Colton Cruz that he has a heart. That he does not need to be that man with a different girl every night. Now guess what? I am going back to swiping through that phone. No woman and that includes you, will ever have this heart again.
But do you know the most fucked up of this?
I forgive you.
Yes, fucking read that again.
I forgive you.
I still do not understand and it will probably take me forever too. It was only but in an instant from saving you to you rejecting me. We always use to say how we would run away together. Was that just what it was?
Say?
I also want to believe that you hurt me because you were afraid to. That you were afraid of your father. Perhaps you were even afraid of finally having the one thing that you desired…happiness. Were you too scared that we finally found what we always wanted?
Fuck that!
You destroyed me. You hurt me with a purpose. Where you are finding yourself, you think that you have control. Not for too long, I will get off my feet and I will show you that there is nothing even worse that you can do to me.
Nothing.
I will move forward.
But we must accept that the time we have was all we were destined for. Not a moment less or more. I guess we will always be connected in that way. I will reshape myself, a me without you.
My job for the Stone family is done.
I need to find who I am without that. I need to find out who I am without you.
But that is so easy to say, for right now, what am I without you? A ghost. A darkness that consumes space. I am the man that is holding the rest of my complete downfall.
Trinity, you have fucking destroyed me.
I can say that over and over again, and the hate that I am feeling right now is not even close to the pain. I truly thought if I lash out at you that it will kill that beast that is playing with my heart. You set that beast loose and I, god, all I am doing is feeding it. You caused me to suffer and I, I am causing myself to dive deep into it drowning.
So, I have ranted at you for hours, and believe me that I can rant at you for days, yet I have cried even more from total desperate agony and pain.
I don t think how many attempts I make just to move on, will never be okay. All I see are the memories that pull me back. This rollercoaster of emotions will still remain for long and I will hurt myself over and over again.
Can you blame me for hoping that?
I gave my love and my time and attention to you since the beginning, and I am not feeling any regret about that. The happiest and fondest memories we shared are more than important to me.
Those happy memories turned into bad ones.
Trying to move and forget everything is the hardest thing I can do to stop hurting myself anymore. I could no longer count how many minutes I spent crying and hoping that everything will be fine again. I respect your decision.
Ya, right, I have not fucking consideration for it.
I just thought that it is possible to spend my life with you. I never saw this coming, and it makes me so sad that it ended this way.
I am devastated and I wish that my heart would begin to heal. Letting go is not going to be easy, but I have to do it for myself - to embrace a new beginning. Trying to forget everything is hard, most especially if every time I look around all I can remember is you and the memories we had. Though it s hard, I came to a realization that everything about us will never be the same again.
I love you and only you.
But guess what?
I am finding the deepest corner of my heart and I am sticking it right in there. Maybe denial is the better way to feel pain?
Yes, perhaps I thought that having your back would be better for the pain, but this kind of hurt, well, this one is hard to forgive.
Dear John fucking letter.
You could have done it to my face.
It is like, Dear John, wham, bam, thank you, mam!
Well, you know what Trinity Stone?
I will wham, bang, and fuck my way until I forget about you. Screw trying to be friends one day. Let that little piece of love in my heart just rot.
I need to get a way.
I need to run from the world that we built together and start building a new one for myself again. I need to keep looking forward. Yes, that last kiss is one that I will treasure, yet it will go to that same corner in my heart. I cannot cling to our past.
I cannot cling to you.
You made our decision for us. This is what you wanted, Trinity. There are no do-overs or coming-backs. This is what we will need to live with. Your heart might be bearing this better than mine is. But ya, like I said…
Make your own shit and stew in it.
You ended your little 'Dear John off with… Till we meet again.
Princess…it ain t fucking happening.