28, Loss

Mikhalie and Ayya had been called into a meeting with Tariana the day after the announcement had been made. While drinking tea in Tariana’s office, she had told them what to expect. Mikhalie was to be moved from the agricultural department to work beside Ayya in the diplomatic area. It offered better opportunities to show off their skills. They were going to have regular trainings with Tariana, and they were to sit in on certain meetings she had. Most important was how they conducted themselves, the qualities they showed they possessed, and in the coming two years, each of them would get an assignment that would test their limits in every sense. That assignment was to be looked at as their ultimate show of how they would perform as a future Lady. Ayya found that very little in her life changed after the announcement. Mikhalie told Ayya that she felt like she was shown more respect, and her new work made her life very different from before. But as Kopa’s daughter and a friend of the Lady, Ayya had always been shown respect. Her family and friends treated her the same, and all of it made Ayya feel more comfortable in her new role. 

It was late winter, and Ayya was starting to long for spring. She and Bettina were planning for the start of the growing season and Ayya just wanted the sun to lend them the warmth necessary to start the work. She got a note from Tariana to come to her office as soon as possible. Ayya put her work to the side and walked straight there. The grey riders guarding her door announced her and let her in. She was expected. Tariana stood by a window, looking out. She turned around and, to Ayya’s shock, she could see that the aari had been crying. A lump formed in Ayya’s gut in an instant. Could something have happened to her father, or to Tenac?

“Thank you for coming so quickly, Ayya,” Tariana said. She made no effort to sit down or offer Ayya to do so. Ayya walked up to her and took one of Tariana’s hands in hers.

“Of course. What has happened?”

“I’m sorry to be de bringer of bad news. It’s Ceran. He passed away two days ago. I got the news a little while ago,” Tariana told her. Tenac’s grandfather, Ayya, hadn’t even considered that possibility. She felt herself tear up as the grief overwhelmed her for a moment. 

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” she said when she thought her voice would be steady enough. “Tenac?” she asked. Tariana nodded.

“I told him as soon as I got the news. But you know him. He made sure I was alright and went back to training,” Tariana said. It was Ayya’s turn to nod. That sounded like him. 

“Thank you for letting me know.”

“Of course, dear child. I know how close you two were. He thought of you as a granddaughter,” Tariana said, giving Ayya’s hand a squeeze. “I have a favour to ask of you. It’s not fair of me to ask, but I feel you are the only one I can ask this of.”

“Anything.” 

“Ceran’s funeral will be held in eight days’ time, as is tradition amongst his people. I will go, of course. But I need to go as his family, not as a representative of the aari. I don’t think I can remain in my role for that,” Tariana confessed. Ayya’s heart broke a little more at the tone of her friend’s voice. Ayya understood what Tariana meant. Being an aari was a privilege, but it also brought with it expectations. Ayya could understand that for the funeral of her dead husband’s father, Tariana wanted to step out from her role as the Lady. 

“What do you need me to do?” she asked. Tariana had been there when Ayya had been grieving, she had been there when she suffered from a broken heart and Ayya would be there for her friend when she needed her. Tariana managed a faint smile. 

“I need you to be the representative of the aari. Ceran was a great leader and a friend of our order, we will pay him a final respect. Will you accept the assignment? I know you are grieving as well,” Tariana said.

“It would be my honour. He was dear to me and if I can help show what a great man he was, I will.”

“Thank you, Ayya. Magath will go through everything with you. But not today. Today, we grieve in peace. We will leave for the clan the day after tomorrow. Your father will join us, of course, and a small troop of riders if I know your father. But other than that, it will only be you, Tenac and I. I want to keep this personal and low key,” Tariana told her.

“I think that is a good idea. If there is anything I can do. Please let me know,” Ayya said. Tariana nodded, and they hugged. When Ayya left, she found an empty room nearby and let out the tears she had been holding back. For a moment, she let herself feel the weight of the loss. After hysterically sobbing for ten minutes, she collected herself. She had things she needed to do. She quickly made her way across the sanctum and up on the part of the roof that was reserved for the grey riders to train. A group of them were practicing weapon fighting under the watchful eye of Herdo, her father’s second in command. The man had a scar that ran across his face and he always looked like he wanted to strangle someone. Ayya used to fear him, but today she was on a mission. 

“I need Tenac,” she said to Herdo as she stopped in front of him. He looked at her and frowned. He would have shouted at anyone else that would interrupt their training. But Ayya was Kopa’s daughter and the Lady’s candidate. She wasn’t just anyone, and for the first time in her life, Ayya took full advantage of her privileges. “Well?” she asked. 

“Tenac, up and front!” Herdo shouted. Ayya did her best not to flinch. Tenac came jogging up to them. He saw Ayya and frowned. He looked stressed, she thought. Tenac saluted Herdo. “You are needed. Make yourself useful,” Herdo told him and gave Ayya a sideways nod. 

“Yes, sir,” Tenac said. 

“Follow me,” Ayya said, and turned around and walked away. She led him down the stairs, out through the main entrance, and got into a boat. 

“Where are we going?” Tenac asked as he stood on the dock, looking down at her in the boat.

“Just get into the boat, Tenac,” she told him. He sighed and did as she asked. She cast off and rowed the boat out of the Sanctum. There she let the current take them downriver, out of the city until they were surrounded by the plains. She steered the boat towards the shore and found a place where the current no longer had a hold of them. She placed the oars in the boat and looked at Tenac. 

“What are we doing here?” he asked. 

“I’m sorry Tenac,” she said.

“For what?”

“For your loss.”

“Oh, mother told you,” he said. Ayya could see the struggle it took for him to pretend to be uneffected. 

“She did. That is why we are here, away from everything,” she told him in a soft voice and took his hand.

“Ayya,” he objected.

“No, Tenac. We are friends. You are my best friend and you are hurting. Don’t think you fool me with that facade you are trying to put up. You need to grieve and take a moment to feel it all. Then we will go back to the sanctum and you can act all strong and warriorlike. But you need a moment to take it all in,” she said. She wouldn’t take no for an answer. They could be here for days if it was what it took. Tenac looked at her and the amount of pain she saw in his eyes shattered her. Tears rolled down his face, and Ayya carefully moved to sit next to him. 

“If I take it in, I don’t know if I can survive it,” he whispered. 

“You can,” she told him and put her arm around him. Tenac let go and Ayya could feel his body shake and the heart-wrenching sound of his sobs as he leaned his head against her shoulder. Despite her promise to herself that she would be strong for him, Ayya felt her own tears rise and fall down her face. They stayed out on the river until the sky started turning orange. 

“We should get back,” Tenac said. He had stopped crying a while back and they had been sitting in silence. 

“Okay,” Ayya agreed, and where about to switch back to get the oars when he stopped her. 

“I got it,” he said and took the seat she had been in and started rowing back. “Thank you, Ayya,” he said as they passed into the city.

“Any time, Tenac. Just let me know and we can go for another outing,” she told him. 

“It was impressive the way you talked to sir Herdo,” he said, giving her a half smile. 

“Don’t remind me, I have to apologise to dad about that,” Ayya muttered. 

“Will you come with us to the funeral?” he asked as he helped her out of the boat. 

“Yes, your mother asked me to represent the aari. Even if she hadn’t I would have come, he meant a lot to me.” Tenac nodded. 

“I know he did. He would have been happy that you will be there. He liked you a lot,” Tenac told her. They parted ways in the entrance hall. Ayya went to find her father. He would get off work by now. She ran into him close to Tariana’s office. 

“Hi, little one. How are you holding up?” he asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. Ayya shrugged.

“I’m okay. I need to apologise to you,” she said. 

“What have you done?” he asked, sounding curious. 

“I kind of used the fact that I’m your daughter to make Herdo let Tenac out of training. Tenac really needed to get out of there, but I shouldn’t have done that. Sorry,” she said. To her surprise, Kopa chuckled and drew her into a sideways hug. 

“You don’t need to apologise for that, Ayya. You are right that Tenac shouldn’t have been training today. His mind wouldn’t have been on the training and that is a good way to hurt yourself or others. Herdo should have seen that.”

“I could have gone about it differently,” Ayya said. 

“You could,” he agreed. “But I think this is the first time you have done something that could even come close to be disobedient or foolish. I’ll let it slide.”

“That you know of,” she added. Tenac chuckled again. 

“Oh, I know everything. I’m your father.” That made Ayya giggle. 

“Thanks for making me feel better, dad.”

“Any time, little one. And thank you for looking out for Tenac. He’s a good man, and from own experience, I know that we sometimes need a push in the right direction.” 

“He’s my friend,” she said.

“He is lucky to have you. Do you want to come home and spend the night?” her father asked her. As soon as he said it, Ayya felt a strong need to go home with him, to see her mother and spend the evening as a family. She wanted to forget the feeling of loss and grief. She simply nodded. “It will be okay, little one,” her father said, understanding as always.