68, I confess

Zerden felt restless as he walked back and forth in the waiting room outside of the council chambers. Mary, Ayya, he corrected himself, had walked off with her party as soon as they had exited the chambers. It would be at least an hour and a half before a decision could be made, and if Zerden knew the council, it would probably take another two or three hours. He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. Zerden had tried to ask Ayya to talk to him, just the two of them, like it used to be. He had so many things he wanted to talk to her about. Things he didn’t want that bodyguard of hers to hear. She had turned him down both times, which he found frustrating. How could he get her alone to talk? He thought about it as he walked back and forth. 

“I’m heading to the guest quarters. Send someone at once if the council has made a decision,” he told one of his men.

“Yes, sir,” he answered and saluted him. Zerden quickly walked towards his goal. Maybe he had looked at it the wrong way. Maybe he didn’t need to take Ayya some place they could be alone. Maybe he could come to her. The two riders that were posted at the door to the accommodations Ayya’s party were staying at stopped him and let the ones inside know he wanted to talk to Ayya. It only took a couple of minutes before he was let in and a female rider took him to the common room area where Ayya was sitting on a windowsill with her bodyguard next to her. The two other aari walked up to them.

“Has there been a decision?” Ayya asked and looked up at Zerden as she grabbed the hand of her bodyguard. The gesture made Zerden frown. He didn’t care that both his parents, and the king had told him he needed to give up on Ayya, that she was seeing her bodyguard. It didn’t matter. She didn’t know he had feelings for her. It would all work out, he told himself.

“No. That’s not why I’m here. I came to ask if I could speak with you,” he said. Zerden had expected her bodyguard to have an opinion about him talking to Ayya. He didn’t expect the other two aari to have one. 

“I don’t think it’s appropriate at the moment,” the blonde one told him. 

“Firlea,” Ayya said to her friend.

“No, she is right. You are waiting on some of the most important news in your life, news that will affect not only us, but this entire city and Salmisara’s future. Now is not the time,” the third aari interrupted. Zerden didn’t understand what the council’s decision had to do with their country’s future, and he didn’t really care.

“I’m only asking for a short conversation. The council’s decision won’t be made anytime soon,” he told Ayya, ignoring the others. 

“You don’t have to, I can have him escorted out,” the bodyguard said and Zerden felt like snorting, but refrained from it last minute. 

“No, it’s okay. I’m guessing Zerden won’t give up until we do this. It’s just as well we get it out of the way. If we get a positive ruling, I don’t want this to slow us down. Let’s talk in my room,” Ayya told Zerden. He nodded. “You wait here,” she told the aari and her bodyguard. 

“Are you sure?” the bodyguard asked.’

“It will be fine,” she assured him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Zerden clenched his jaw but didn’t comment as he followed her into her room. Ayya closed the door behind him and took a deep breath. “What did you want to speak to me about?” she asked. Zerden had to muster up all his courage. He knew this wouldn’t be easy.

“I just have missed not being able to talk to you like we used to,” he said. Ayya was standing three steps away, to far for him to reach out and take her hand. He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. “I have missed you, Ayya,” he confessed. At least she gave him a half smile. “And I have missed how we used to talk and hang out. Since you sent that last letter to me, I have done a lot of soul searching and I have realised some things that I should have realised sooner. But now you are here and I can put some things right and I never thought I would get the chance,” he continued. 

“Okay, I guess we can have a talk about those things, if that is important to you,” Ayya agreed. Zerden smiled at her. Most of the times he felt like Mary hadn’t come back at all. A new person was walking around in her body and he didn’t know how to be around them. But then she said something like that, and he could see Mary in her. 

“Thank you,” he said. “Ayya, I’m sorry about that letter I sent you. I shouldn’t have said those things. I reacted badly to the fact I felt like I was losing you. I got scared and tried to force you to stay close to me. It was wrong and I regret it more than I know how to express.”

“Thank you Zerden. It was nice of you to say. I accept your apology and I forgive you,” she said, making Zerden’s anxiety lessen. 

“Thank you,” he told her and took a step towards her. He saw her giving him a wary eye, and he stopped.

“Was there anything else?” she asked.

“Yes…” There was a long pause as he tried to find a way to tell her. “Ayya, back when you still lived here. Before everything got complicated. We took a walk in the gardens and I was going to ask you something. Do you remember that?” he asked her.

“Yes, I think it was the same day you first saw lady Sarah,” she said. 

“Right. Well, that day I was supposed to ask if you wanted to go to the soldier’s feast with me. I had started to think about you differently and I wanted to ask you to the dance, but then Sarah came along and I got confused and it took me some time before I could sort my feelings out,” he started. “The fact is that the last year or two you lived her, I had feelings for you, romantic feelings. But it confused me and I didn’t understand them. But after losing you, I could understand it all. The pain i felt when you left and when you stopped writing, wasn’t because I lost a friend, it was because I was heartbroken,” he told her. 

“Oh,” was all she said. Zerden took another step towards her. He was almost at the point where he could reach out for her. 

“My feelings never went away. I thought I would get over you, but I never did. And when you came back, I realised just how strong my feelings for you are.”

“Zerden.”

“No, please just let me say this. I don’t know if I will have the nerve to do this a second time,” he told her, and she nodded. “I know things have happened to you while we were apart which have changed you. Things like that have happened to me too. I’m not the same man I was when you left. I would like to think I’m a better man, and a lot of it is thanks to you. But I also know my feelings for you are strong enough to handle that. We just need to spend a little time getting to know each other. I can start to court you and we can go for walks in the city, or sit someplace and talk, like we used to. You know my parents will be so excited,” he said, feeling himself get excited as he talked about it. He reached out to take her hand and was surprised as she took a step back. 

“Zerden, no,” she said. 

“Why?” he asked. 

“For so many reasons. I’m not here to be social. I don’t have time for walks in the city or talking about old times. I have work to do, Zerden.”

“But you have an entire team with you. Can’t your friends take over that part, and then you and I can spend time together?” he suggested. He thought it was a brilliant plan.

“You don’t know what I sacrificed to be here,” she told him. 

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“To become the next Lady you work alongside of her together with the other candidates, you get scrutinised by her and the aari council so they can make sure you have what it takes to take on that responsibility. Then they give you a task, a test, that you have to pass to have a chance. The only way I could convince the council and the Lady to let me come here to help you was to make it my test. If the council comes back with a negative answer today, my chances of becoming the next Lady are pretty much gone,” she told him, sounding upset.

“Well, maybe that isn’t so bad?” he suggested. 

“What?”

“When we get married, you can’t really accept a position like that. I don’t have anything against you being an aari. The king would like the idea of having one of you living here. I’m sure we can convince them to start a local chapter or something,” he said.

“Get married? Zerden, I don’t even agree to be courted by you. I’m in love with Tenac, we are courting. I have no interest in changing that,” she said, sounding angry. Zerden frowned. Why was she being this difficult? He had told her he was interested in her and that he wanted a future with her.

“Has he asked you to marry him?” he asked her. She seemed startled by the question.

“No.”

“Ayya, why do you keep putting yourself in this situation? It’s like with that man from your childhood all over again. They are taking advantage of you, trying to take but don’t want to commit to you,” he told her. 

“No, you are not fooling me with that idiotic thing again, Zerden. For your information, Eric asked me to marry him before I left. I turned him down. He always had good intentions towards me, but you made me doubt hem and myself. But not this time. I know Tenac, we haven’t discussed marriage because this is not the right time. I just told you what I’m dealing with and he and my friends are here to make sure I succeed. I know him and he would never try to take advantage of me, which is a big part of why I love him the way I do. I think it’s time for you to leave.” Zerden only stared at her. She was angry. He had only seen her angry once before. It wasn’t like her, and it wasn’t like her not to listen to him, either.