Nothing

A few minutes after Cordia’s dad left the town square, Mr. Ward came out of the courthouse, though they could all see he had no papers in his hands. “All right,” he announced, “this is what I have done. I have telegraphed my cousin and asked him to go down to these hospitals he was speaking of yesterday and see if he can compile a list of the Barton County boys who are dead and wounded.” There were now close to one-hundred people standing around, and most of them were very happy to hear this news. “Now, I can’t promise he’ll get the message or be able to do it today, but I reckon that’s about all I can do at this time.”
“There’s no other news?” someone shouted from the back of the crowd.
“No, I’m afraid there ain’t been no news, nothing I didn’t already tell you about.” Mr. Ward confirmed. Then, he promptly turned around and went back into the courthouse.
Conversation began to build now, something else to talk about. Some people thought this was the best idea they had ever heard. Others were already declaring that it couldn’t possibly work. It was then that Cordia saw Julia making her way through the crowd toward her. She waved and the younger girl came over and joined her.
“Please tell me you ain’t been sitting here all night,” the blonde said, plopping herself down beside her friend.
Cordia was already annoyed, and Julia had just gotten there. “Course not,” she said, a little snippy. “I’m not wearing the same dress, am I?”
“Well,” Julia said, obviously offended. “Sounds like someone didn’t get much sleep last night.”
Cordia was ashamed of herself. “I’m sorry,” she began. “No, I didn’t get any sleep. This waiting is about to do me in.”
Julia accepted her apology by pulling Cordia over to rest her head on her shoulder. “Have faith in the Good Lord, Cordia. It’ll be all right.”
“How can you, of all people, say that?” Cordia asked, literally amazed that her friend could think that way after all that she had been through. And yesterday, she had agreed that something about this situation wasn’t sitting right with her either.
Julia smiled. “I’ve been thinking, most all night long. I know that the Lord has a plan for each of us. I can see that now. I don’t think that He would take my ma and pa, Nolan, and Will from me. I really don’t think He would. But, if’n He decided that was best, I know I would be strong enough to make it by because the Lord don’t give us anything that we can’t handle.”
Julia was staring off into the sky now, and Cordia could see that the girl really wanted to believe her own words. “Well,” she sighed, “I hope you’re right. But, I have always had a reputation for being stronger than I think I truly am. I am praying that the Good Lord don’t overestimate me.”
The hours passed so slowly. Cordia could imagine that if there was an hourglass before her, its contents would be dripping down like molasses. At first, there had been a lot of conversation around them. But, as the blazing August sun filled the sky, discussions had died off. Some people grew weary of sitting there and actually went home. Others had found a place in the shade to take a nap. By two o’clock, Cordia’s mind was so weary of thinking on all of the horrible possibilities, her body ached from sitting on the hard ground, and it was almost as if she just gave out. She hadn’t fainted, but she had fallen asleep so quickly that Julia had to catch her from falling over and lay her down on the shaded ground. Then, Julia promptly rested her head on her friend and fell asleep herself.
The girls awoke to a commotion. At first, Cordia had forgotten where she was. She couldn’t believe she had fallen asleep on the lawn in front of the courthouse. When she opened her eyes, she could see the sun going down. The crowd of people seemed to be pushing their way toward the courthouse door. In a panic, she reached over and nudged Julia. The girl stirred slightly. “Julia—wake up!” she said, clambering to her feet. Julia didn’t seem to know where she was at first either, but soon enough she was standing next to her friend. “What is it?” she asked someone standing near the back of the crowd.
The older man didn’t take his eyes off of the people in front of him but replied out of the side of his mouth, “List. Mr. Ward’s cousin sent a list of dead and wounded boys from Barton County.”
Cordia’s eyes opened widely now. Then it had worked. “Is he sure it’s right?” she asked the same man.
“Don’t know. Sure he didn’t put anyone on there who isn’t dead or wounded. Might have missed a few, I reckon.” The man moved forward as people began to come down off of the courthouse steps. Some women were already screaming and crying. Others looked as if they were going to faint. At least one woman had begun to cheer, and then remembered where she was and solemnly walked away. “Mr. Ward said his cousin went around to different hospitals gathering names, talked to a few of the Confederate units still near Springfield and some Union soldiers. Said he didn’t know who was dead or who was wounded, but these are the ones that got shot.” With that the man was lost in the crowd.
“Dammit!” Cordia exclaimed. So, even when she saw that list, even if Jaris or Will had their name on it, she still wouldn’t know if they were dead, dying, or wounded, or if someone just gave Mr. Ward’s cousin the wrong name. She was beginning to think that Cal Markson had a better idea when he rode to Springfield early that morning. Maybe that’s what she should have done.
She looked around for Julia and saw that she was still standing close behind her. “Did you hear what he said?” she asked. Julia nodded. “Still won’t tell us much.”
Julia was obviously in a much more optimistic mood. “Let’s just hope we don’t recognize any of the names, and then it won’t matter.”
Cordia nodded and finally made her way to the courthouse steps. She still couldn’t see, and people were pushing up here much worse than they had been when she was at the back of the line. Word had gotten out, and many people were showing up now on horseback and in carriages. She knew she shouldn’t have fallen asleep! She was one of the first people here, and now it was taking forever for her to see that blasted list.
But then, she thought, maybe she didn’t want to see the list after all. Maybe she should take a moment to think for a second before she looked. The information on that piece of paper could change her life forever. As she made her way the last few feet to the dreaded posting, a thousand thoughts rolled over her all at once. Jaris, chasing her through the fields around his house, skipping rocks on the family pond, that laugh of his peeling off into the sky. She remembered holding his hand one time when they were only young teenagers. She remembered the day he had asked her to marry him. The first time he kissed her. The day he had left, and how he had kissed her goodbye. And then she thought of Will. He had kissed her that day, too.
Now she was standing right in front of the list. The sun was going down, but someone was holding a lantern nearby, and she could faintly make out the names. This time, a quick skim did not leave her with a feeling of relief. There it was, Lt. Jaris Adams, CSA. Her heart began to sink in her chest, like a ship struck by a cannonball. And then, she heard a small cry beside her, and she looked down to see Julia, her hands over her face. Cordia knew that Julia would be concerned to see her cousin’s name, but she also knew that there was only one thing that could make her friend’s face turn that pale. Her eyes flew back to the paper. Yes, sure enough, a few more lines down, Pvt. William Tucker, USA.
Julia, who had been so strong all day, was now sobbing. Cordia put her arm around the girl and led her down the steps, pushing her way through the people who were still trying to get their eyes on that horrendous list. She could feel tears brimming over her own eyes, but then, something in her had known all along that this day would not be like last time. She saw her daddy now, standing over by the oak tree. The look on his face told her that he could plainly see by his daughter’s reaction that things were just as she had thought they would be. Cordia was almost afraid to go near him because she knew the moment he touched her, she would be his little girl again. And she wouldn’t be able to hold back her tears—for Julia’s sake or anyone else’s.
She took a deep breath as she approached her father, who was now holding his hat in his hand and staring at the ground. “Is he… is he dead?” her father asked.
“Don’t know. Doesn’t say. Just know they were shot,” she replied.
“They?” he asked.
“Yes. Both of them.”
Mr. Pike nodded his head and then offered to take Julia home. She could not have ridden a horse in this condition if she had wanted to. He dropped Cordia off first. Her mama took one look at her face and didn’t bother to ask if she had any word. As Cordia dragged herself up the stairs, she heard Frieda assuring her mother not to bother Miss Cordia, but that she would run down to the courthouse and find out what had happened herself.
Cordia collapsed on her bed, numb. She hadn’t begun to cry yet. She hadn’t let the news register. All she could think of were those three simple words she had said to her daddy. She was in disbelief. How could it be?* Both of them.*