Chapter 120: Garden

I slumped into a pile on the floor. I felt useless. I felt pathetic. I wiped at the tears on my face, but they just kept coming. I had no idea what I was doing, who I was, or what I should do. Juno had wasted her energy on me. I had made a mess of the faction. They were the only people that had been nice to me. I had fucked it all up and had no way to fix it. And Kezia, she was going to die because I couldn't do anything. And all because I couldn't pick a damn name.
I lay there in the dreamscape staring into the nothingness. I was no one. I was nothing. I was worse than the darkness because at least the darkness was something. It was terror; it was fear. I was nothing. I stretched my hands out in front of me, reaching into the nothingness.
I stared at them for a long time. They were my hands. They were not Kira's or Lanie's. They were not scars or tattoos. They were fresh. They already had blood on them, but they were new. They were mine.
I was nothing now, but that didn't mean I was always going to be nothing. I had been flailing around, trying to figure out what everyone wanted me to be instead of just being me. I was wearing clothes picked for me. I was living somewhere others wanted me to be so they could use me. I hadn't chosen it. Instead, I had gone along and let them tell me who I was. No wonder I couldn't pick a name. I hadn't chosen any of this.
I pushed myself up using my hands. I stood in the nothingness, empty and alone. I needed to decide. I needed to choose this time. I wasn't going to be Kira, who got pushed around. I wasn't going to be Lanie, who was molded and crafted into a weapon. I was going to be me.
For starters, I didn't want to be nothing. I wanted to be... I looked around at the empty space. I wanted to be pink!
The dreamscape instantly snapped into a light glowing soft pink. I blinked in surprise as I spun around. "Okay,..." My mouth hung open with the word. I clicked it shut.
I wanted the floor to be white. I snapped my fingers and the floor turned into polished marble.
"Whoa," I exhaled.
I tapped the marble with my toe. It was cold on my bare feet and it felt real. I snapped my fingers again. Converse sneakers appeared on my feet. I clapped my hand and my pajamas turned into a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt.
I looked around the empty pink space. I nodded in one direction and a huge fountain appeared. So, it didn't matter if I clapped, snapped, or nodded. Things appeared here if I willed it. This time I created a gerbera daisy just by staring at a spot. It was much harder, but I still did it. I snapped and another popped into existence. It felt much easier, like I loaded it in my mind and then snapped it to release the power. I could see why the Juno and Karma snapped like that. It had a certain flourish to it that made me feel powerful.
I spent some time creating a beautiful garden with unnaturally large and bright blooms. The scents were stronger and the thorns were smaller. They grew up straight from the marble floor. Everything had a sparkling quality to it that drew the eye. I just couldn't seem to get enough of it.
I wasn't sure how long I spent practicing and righting my garden. It could have been hours, days, or hell, even years. It was huge and beautiful when I was finished. The paths through the roses and lilacs wove with different colors of marble. I even imagined a type of water to feed them that looked like glitter, but felt like mineral oil that didn't stick to your hands. I created a sun in the sky that didn't hurt to look at and cast an even glow over everything. You could have taken a picture and it always would have come out clear.
I made fruit trees. I decided to make this one cherry. As the fruit ripened as big as apples on the branches, I remember Cherry from the bar. I remembered everyone. They were weakened because of me. Kezia was going to die. Everything back there was going down all because of me.
I bit into the large cherry fruit and chewed. The taste was fantastically amazing. I could stay here and eat it all day. I wanted to. I didn't want to go back and try to fix problems I caused. I couldn't fix them. I'd just make them worse. They were better off if I just stayed here.
Did I really believe that? If I just stayed here, then they would live their life and die. How it ended didn't matter because I wouldn't be involved. What if I could do something? What if I could learn to use the powers like this in the real world? Then it would matter. Then it would make a difference. Then they might live longer and happier lives. Was that worth it?
I finished off the giant cherry. There was no pit. I threw the stem in the stream running along the path. I watched it float down towards a pond under a weeping willow with purple and green leaves.
I could be of help to them. I should do it. I knew it was right. I needed to be more careful about my magic. I wanted to say it took over me and I lost control, but that wasn't true at all. I chose to use it. I was in control the whole time. I was just angry and sad. I had to be more careful. I had to think about it longer before I rushed in and tried to save the day. I needed to figure out how it worked.
And now, I just had to choose a name.
I stared out over my garden for a long time. I could choose a flower, a fruit, a tree, water... it could be anything. I could pick something menacing or something soft and pretty. I could just choose a letter, or maybe a sound. I just had to pick something. The problem was, whatever I picked doomed me to become it.
If I picked something like the name Death, I could become that. Death and destruction would follow in my wake. If I picked something like Cherry, let's say, then I might become something sweet or peppy, or slutty, I wasn't sure. When Juno said the name gives power, that is exactly what I feared. If I chose the wrong name, I would be burdening myself with that power.
I looked down at my hands. Whatever I named myself would make it true with these hands. That was too much responsibility. I couldn't choose. I couldn't doom myself.
I bit my lip. I would just have to do my best without a name for the time being. I would try to help and try not to do any more damage. If I wasn't sure, then I should do nothing. That was a safe course. It was better than making things worse.
I closed my eyes then snapped my fingers. When I opened them up, I was in my bed. The afternoon sunlight streamed in through the large window. I pulled the covers back. I was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. I stepped out on to the wooden floor in a pair of converse sneakers.