Chapter 121: Me

While I was brushing my teeth, the clothes I wore faded into nothing. I was left standing in my pajamas. Before the converse disappeared, I tried pushing a little bit of magic into them. They solidified again. That was interesting. So things I created couldn't stay in the real world for long unless I fed them energy. I let them fade and got dressed for the day.
I walked down the stairs. Anton was waiting in the kitchen for me. He must have heard me in the shower.
"Good morning," he said with cheer in his voice.
"Morning."
"Can I make you something?"
I nodded.
"Perfect."
He set out bowls and started making what looked to be waffles. I sat in the chair at the counter while I watched him work. I could feel that same energy that was in me in him. It wasn't the god power, but the succubus power. It was there but hidden deep beneath his soul. I stretched a hand towards him.
His eyes looked to it then up to me with raised eyebrows.
"I just wanted you to know how grateful I am that you are here with me."
He covered my hand with his and gave it a squeeze. I could feel that energy. It just needed a spark and someone to pull it to the surface.
"Me, too." He removed his hand.
We ate breakfast at five o'clock in the evening, then I went down to work. This time, no one paid me any attention. I wore jeans and a t-shirt. I was no longer trying to play someone else's role set for me. I was just going to be myself.
I snuck upstairs to the den of tents. I avoided Cherry's gaze. I felt like I was letting people down, but I knew I was doing what was best for them. I knew I had to be me if I was going to tap into this power so I could protect them.
I sat in an armchair after pushing all the other seats away from me. I wanted to be alone. If someone else got close to me, they would get hurt. It was better this way. I left one love seat in front of me within reaching distance. I sat back and waited. I thought about my beautiful garden in the dreamscape. I wondered if it would be there when I returned. Maybe I would have to build it all over again. I didn't really mind that. Creating things was relaxing.
My first two clients walked in the door, a man and a woman. They giggled and laughed. I envied them for their joy. They had no idea how big the world was. They were just here for a hit. I could have been that happy once. I wasn't ever that happy, but I could have been before I knew about all this. No. I couldn't have been. I didn't even exist. Kira could have been that happy. I shook my head.
The night trudged on. I gave people bliss. I watched them enjoy themselves, but I felt nothing. I worked, but I felt empty on the inside. This wasn't fulfilling. This wasn't me, or at least, it wasn't who I wanted to be.
As I tried not to watch the current couple going at it, I focused on the energy vibrating inside of me. It was theirs. I could feel each person's different from each other and from my own. I concentrated on it. I felt it. I pushed it around inside of me. As I pushed it, I swirled it with my god power like I was stirring a stew. The power churned inside of me. It bubbled and vibrated until it felt like it was all mine. I used a crystal to absorb the power. Instead of glowing white, it glowed pink. I stared at it for a long time. That power was mine. I could feel it like it was an extension of me, just like the swords. It was a part of me, and now it was in this stone.
I commanded the Aurora Sword in its dagger form to my hand with a whisper. This was a part of me. The Night Sword appeared in my other hand. They also felt like extensions. I could feel them. They were mine. They were me. I realized they felt like my garden in the dreamscape. I had complete control over them. The glowing pink crystal lying in the basket at my feet lifted in the air and floated. I could feel it pulsing like a living entity. I pulled the energy from the other crystals and morphed them into my own pink energy.
The couple recovered from their bliss. They stared at the hovering crystals then at me. I raised my eyebrows at them and nodded towards the door. They scurried out. Fraiser poked his giant head in and gave me a look, then disappeared. I lifted the Aurora Sword into the air. It floated about then slashed. The Night Sword did the same. My fingers danced, helping me to concentrate on directing them about.
This felt right. This felt like me. The question was, how did I make a life out of this? Swords and power meant I had to kill people. Or protect them, I guess.
Liam appeared at the entrance. He watched the floating swords dance around as I played with them. "Beloved?"
"Yes?"
"You're scaring the clients away."
I heaved a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry." I opened my palms. The swords slid into them and then disappeared as tattoos up my arms.
I leaned back. Liam was still watching me.
"What?" I asked.
"Are you feeling okay?"
I nodded, then stopped halfway through. I was done pretending, lying to save face, and trying to make others feel better. "No, I'm not."
Liam walked in and sat on the couch across from me. "What's wrong?"
I could see him struggling with his patience. He wasn't the feelings sort, but he was doing his best to listen to me.
"I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to be your leader or any of this."
Liam frowned. "You're Matei's daughter. This is your birthright."
I sighed. "I know, but this isn't me. I keep messing up."
"You do."
I frowned. "Sorry."
"Keep trying."
I stared down at my hands. "I will."
"You want to go to Utah."
"I do."
"You want to trade the lives of the faction for one girl."
I nodded. I felt horrible, but it was the truth.
"Will you even be able to save her?"
I shrugged. "I don't know."
"So, if you go after her, everyone might die."
I nodded.
He stood and left.
I hung my head.
Another set of clients came in.