#17 Disturbing Dream

“Am sorry my lord she is no longer alive”, the king stood still for a minute, he was dazed, he felt suffocation in his chest, at that moment he was so much in shock he didn’t know whether to cry or laugh?
He screamed the word ‘No! No!!’ for hours until his voice was gone, he did not want to believe that Lilly was dead, he had to pinch himself just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.
The king approached Lilly’s bed and stood over her body for a minute in silent shock, he slowly closed her eyes with his arms and then held her hands, when he felt them, they were getting cold by every second.
He dropped her hand abruptly and stood up from the chair and covered her up with the white blanket. He left the room, to get a safe distance away from the doctor,
He rested his head on the wall, looking at the floor,
he continuously started slamming his head on the wall, and after a while drops of water landed on the floor from his face, he touched his face to check if it was blood or just tears from his eyes.

He left the room to his chambers and realized when he got himself to bed that this was the first time, he woke up wondering where Lilly was, He touched the other side of the bed hoping Lilly would be by his side but she was not there. He tried calling her name but she didn’t respond.
He had hard times sleeping, every time he tried to sleep, he always had nightmares, and he always rolled in bed feeling discomfort and loneliness. It just felt so unreal like a disturbing dream he couldn’t wake up,
The morning brought shock and numbness, he was like a zombie, shuffling to the bathroom, getting alcohol, and going back to bed. He was sleeping with his face in his pillows will the maids knocked on the door, the maids knocked at his door.

“Your majesty” your food is ready, he threw the pillows at them shouting “Get out and bring Lilly” The king had been on an emotional rollercoaster; disbelief, anger, frustration, guilt. He had no recollection that he was always half-naked with only his pants, the disbelief lasted for a very long time.
He cried in gasps and wallowed in drinking more alcohol, he wept softly and yelled at the sky, he slept fifteen hours out of every twenty-four for a long time. The few days, weeks, and months after losing his spouse were otherworldly, he welcomed visitors and the lovely food they brought but he had no sense of emotion or connection.
He was more like a person made of stone and alternately, a cloud. He was not in control of anything around him, family members arrived from all over, and they were scattered throughout his days.

“What is death,” he asked himself over and over. “Lilly, my lover, had vanished from my life forever”. Reality had set in with him realizing that she was never coming back, he tried to kill himself multiple times but anytime he tried he thought to himself is not what Lilly would have wanted,
I might be able to face her in the afterlife if I just kill myself and leave her child alone. This was his new life and he had to bury Lilly, everyone had gathered at the burial to mourn the death of Lilly, they forever lost a queen.
She was buried in a crystal coffin; the coffin was moved from the shrine to the inner hall of the castle, where prayers were said. When the king saw Lilly’s family members, he was so ashamed that he could barely look them in the eyes.
You could tell from the way he looked he was in so much pain and regret, the King decided to say some spoken words at the burial; “You were like a best friend and more, I was the one person who knew you better than anyone else.

You were that one person that made me a better person because you inspire me. You accepted me and believed in me when no one else believed in me, you always loved me and nothing could ever change that.
When I lost you, I lost myself too. I feel lost and alone and I don’t know what to do. It's a never-ending nightmare of pain, that feels like nails are being driven into my heart and then pulled out again.
Night and day the prevailing thought in my head is that you are dead, I know I will never get over it, but somehow, I have to get through it. I take small steps through the darkness guided by my grieving heart, time and distance have disappeared as I have been torn apart.
The grief road is so long as it stretches lifelong so it’s hard to carry on and to be strong, I know I will be lost until I find you, so, I look for you everywhere. I know you are there. I just can’t see you, but it’s just someone who looks like you.

I look at your photos, willing your eyes to give me a clue, it’s so hard to accept that I have lost you. I would walk endless miles through wind and rain and back again.
I would climb mountains, walk through deserts and sail on stormy seas, I would walk until I fell to my knees.
For a very mile, I would shed a tear and every year I would endure the pain if only I could find you again. I still say 'I Love You.' But now there’s no reply. I always feel your presence as if you never left my side. I remember your comforting voice.
Now there’s not a sound. Only echoes from the past Follow me around. You’re always by my side, But I can’t hold your hand. The reason why God took you I find hard to understand. Summer days seem much shorter. Nights just linger on.
Dreams turn into nightmares When the one you love has gone. But real love never fades. It still burns like the sun. Although they’re far away, those memories go on and on.
Her spirit will never die. It shines like the stars. I know you’re sleeping, but you’re living in my heart. I found my soulmate, I found my one true love, I found my only forever and always, I found that in you”.