Chapter 3

Everything happened so fast, yet…so slow. Blair buckled under the pressure and begged Cristo to not say anything. Hands waving in surrender and red rimmed eyes tearing up, asking him how he could ever do such a thing to her. Perhaps even worse was her telling him she loved him and trying to tug on his heartstrings.
Please, her mouth moved, I love you. Don’t do this to me.
People do strange things when they love someone. Mark’s mother. Blair. Cristo’s parents. And it was then that I understood it all so clearly. My fears, my feelings…my trauma.
To be loved was a burden.
Cristo sat beside me in the car, the air around us sullen and sour as questions seeped into the air. Unspoken, untrusting, and unending.
So many questions and I couldn’t find my voice to ask any of them. Was it even my business? Yes, it was.
“You need to tell me what’s going on, Cristo.” I said softly. “I…I want to trust you but…what I saw in there–”
“It wasn’t me.”
“I wasn’t finished.” I snapped. He exhaled deeply through his nose, eyes softening in something close to regret.
“Sorry…” he sighed quietly, his voice deep and heavy. I turned my head only slightly to look at him, wondering if I recognized him at all. He looked like he’d aged a few decades overnight, and his eyes just weren’t the same.
He wasn’t the same person anymore. The childish and playful young man that had slowly grown on me had gone. The one that knew my favorite pond and had dropped wine on Emily.
“It’s better if we don’t talk about this now,” I said quietly, looking at him, aware that Lyra could hear every word. 
She was probably very uncomfortable, trying really hard not to listen in, but that was impossible to do. 
He exhaled sharply looking straight ahead. 
The tension between us was so palpable and it was growing with every passing moment. He needed to forget that his ex existed but if I kept playing that scene in Blair’s office over and over again, he was probably doing the same thing. 
“Where do you want to talk, Lilith?”  he asked. 
“Drive to the park, we can talk there,” I replied, flexing my fingers. My palms were sweaty. I really wanted to get the hell out of this car. 
“No, I don’t want to go to the park.”
“Then go to my place … just drive there, alright. I can’t wait any longer,” I said, more firmly.  
It was the truth. We needed to clear the air, discuss what had happened like adults. There was no other way. 
It took another forty minutes to get back to my apartment. Lyra gave me a long, sympathetic look when I handed her my car key. Then I took a few deep breaths, looking at my window. Cristo had already gone ahead of us.
He was standing outside the door. I took out my keys and unlocked it, stepping over the threshold.  He strolled in after me and then locked the door behind him. I kept wondering what was going to happen now, to both us and to Blair. Was it really over between them?
“We need to talk this out Cristo. I appreciate what you did back there for me and for yourself, but I wonder what’s going to happen now? What do you expect from me?” I asked, biting my lip. I truly didn’t want to ask that question because I knew what he wanted.
He turned around abruptly as I slowly took my heels off, never taking my eyes off him. His eyes were stormy and filled with anger. The man that I saw in Blair’s office was slowly disappearing though. I needed the Cristo that I knew from before - My Cristo.  
His tie was loose and a few of his buttons were missing.
“I don’t know, Lilith. I want you, but...things keep getting in the way and I just…” he sighed in exasperation; fingers running through his hair as he fell back onto the couch. “I don’t know what to think or do anymore. And it’s not like you’re helping either. You keep shutting me out at every opportunity. What do you want?”
That was a good question and I simply wanted to say that I didn’t know. I had to tell him about Mark, I had to open up but my mouth dried up instantly, preventing me from speaking. 
 I didn’t think he could understand what I went through. 
“It’s complicated. I don’t think I can give you what you want,” I said. “No matter how much I want to.” I added almost silently.
“You know,” he grunted, “I feel like I’ve been drained of all energy to commit to anyone. Especially after today’s fiasco.”
Panic embraced my body and I felt a bead of sweat running down my back.  God damn it, what was wrong with me? Here was a perfectly great guy and I’d already tired him out to the point of dropping all chances of us ever happening. This was all my fault. All because I couldn’t move on from the past.
It’s not like the people responsible were letting me move on either.
“Cristo, I know it’s hard to understand–“
“Then help me understand for fuck sakes Lilith. I want to at least be your friend! Hell, I want to be with you! God knows I’m the only person, apart from yourself and maybe your secretary that really gives a shit about you at all! Let me in!” he shouted, grabbing my hands. 
His voice was desperate and vulnerable. I tried to pull away from him but I couldn’t move. A sudden wave of desire swept over my body and I couldn’t think straight. All I could think of was his hands on me during our first night together.  
The anger riddled through my pores as I stared down at him. 
“Let go of me now!” 
“No, until you tell me what you want,” he whispered and the sparkle danced in his eyes. 
I couldn’t say it as the storm of emotions rushed through my whole body reminding me that I should make some semblance of an effort to open up. 
I was just about to shove him away when he pulled me towards him and our mouths connected. He kissed me hard, so hard, that I lost my breath and my heart stopped in my chest. My mind screamed no, but my heart wanted more. 
Somehow I managed to pull away from him, breaking off that incredible kiss. My lips were swollen.
“No, I don’t need to explain anything to you,” I shouted, but he silenced me with his mouth once again, quickly, pushing me against the wall and moving my hands above my head. Damn it, I had no idea that he could even move so fast. His lips were devouring mine and I felt his hard cock between my legs. The air between us was crackling, I couldn’t stop this with my weak resolve. Cristo had changed me. 
He pushed my legs apart with his knees, then started planting small kisses down my neck. My heart was jackhammering inside my chest. Frustration and anger filled up my bloodstream. I was furious with my inability to overcome this darkness, angry that I couldn’t control my desires when I was around him. 
I moaned loudly when he bit into my collar bone, sending chills down my spine. 
“Fuck Lilith, you’re driving me insane. You can’t even imagine what I want to do to you. All because you’re so closed off,” he said, running his hand down my hips, then moving them under my skirt. 
Closed off, who the hell did he think he was? I was ready to push him away, but then he ripped my blouse; all the buttons scattering over the floor. I couldn’t believe it. That was an expensive piece of clothing. 
I didn’t even have a chance to say anything as he started kissing my cleavage, moulding my left breast with his hand. My sex was throbbing with the need for release. My hands tangled in his hair as he pulled my skirt down. 
What was happening right now?
We were supposed to talk this through, but I was so aroused. The pressure between my legs was just so overwhelming. 
Then he pulled my tights off and rose up to meet my eyes. 
“Take them off now. I want to see you naked,” he ordered with the hint of amusement in his tone. I swallowed hard, thinking that I quite liked this Cristo too. 
He took his tie off and threw his jacket on the sofa, then he got rid of his shirt. I was shaking with anticipation. The anger vanished and all I wanted was to please him. 
“Cristo … I”
“Shhhh …don’t talk now,” he growled, placing his finger on my lips and then he continued kissing my stomach area, gently tracing the line of my thighs. I was wet for him as he moved dangerously close to the line of my panties. 
The shutters were closed but little rays of sunshine were getting through the chinks. He kissed me right at the apex of my thighs and I moaned, unable to keep still. 
He was driving me insane just by teasing me like that. He wanted me to beg. 
“Don’t move my beautiful Lilith,” he growled, pulling my lace panties down in one swift movement and then he was inhaling my scent. I needed to grip onto something to keep my balance. The frame of the door would do as I arched my neck backwards, trying not to tremble too much. “Spread your legs for me!” 
I obeyed even whilst my mind was screaming in protest. My pussy was throbbing as he buried his face in it. I thought I was going to come then and there, his tongue licked my clit expertly. I moaned, telling him, begging him to stop this and just to fuck me already. Instead he laughed and continued to lap at me.
My other hand gripped his hair and I moaned again, feeling the pressure growing exponentially. My hips and thighs were trembling. I didn’t think I could last any longer, when he inserted his finger inside me. 
Damn it, I was going to lose my mind. 
“Cristo please, Cristo!” I shouted as he thrusted his finger into me while licking me at the same time. 
My sex was throbbing, a bead of sweat ran down my face as I pulled at his hair, almost falling to pieces.
“Cum for me baby, you’re soaking wet” he growled as he picked up his pace, thrusting his finger in and out while his tongue was doing all these wonderful things to me. I tensed every muscle in my body and  climaxed, tangling my fingers in his hair.  My back was plastered to the wall and I could barely catch my breath. My nipples were so hard, as the waves of ecstasy continued to ripple through me. 
At some point I must have collapsed on top of him, seeing sparkles of light everywhere. 
“This was incredible,” I whispered, wiping the sweat off my forehead and trying to pull myself together, but he was already turning me around, telling me to get on all fours. 
“I’m not done with you yet,” she scowled, grabbing my ass cheeks and situating himself behind me. I listened as he unbuckled his belt. 
“Cristo,” I whimpered. I didn’t even know what I wanted to say when he rubbed my wet sex with his fingers, breathing hard. 
“You’re so stunning,” he whispered, teasing my entrance with his hard erection. Then he plunged himself into me and I cried out. He wasn’t planning to go slow and steady, Cristo had other ideas. Moments later, he was pounding into me, digging his fingers into my hips. He was growling, panting, but he wasn’t stopping. I needed more and I wanted him to fuck me hard.  
“Keep going, harder!” I demanded. This wasn’t me. I never talked like that, even with Mark. 
Fuck Mark. I had Cristo now. I cried out as he pounded into me as fast as he could, I was thoroughly enjoying every second.
I was slowly losing touch with reality. The resistance and self doubt was melting away. Then we were both cumming, he panted and then collapsed on top of me. I placed my head on the cold floor, hoping that the world would stop spinning at some point. 
I didn’t know how long it took me to finally be able to breath normally, but my knees were bruised for sure. 
I turned and nestled into him as my body was still completely numb, staring at the hard planes of his chest and wondering what the hell just happened. 
It was the best angry sex I’d had in my life and I didn’t want to get back to reality quite yet. 


When I woke up a while later in my bed, I wasn’t surprised to find him already gone. Groggily pushing myself up to sit, I found a piece of paper next to my pillow.
Had to catch my flight to Greece. Hopefully I’ll return a better man for you. But I want you, Lilith. I’m not holding back anymore.
My eyes scanned the paper over and over, trying to feel something. Anything at all…
I was numb.
If anything, I felt sick. This feeling, these actions, the fondness he felt for me, it all felt so foreign and…threatening. I suppose I really had become too independent for love.
I really sabotaged my own life at a greater expense than Emily, Blair, or my own mother could ever manage. In the end, I really was the only one to blame for my losses.
My phone buzzed on the vanity and I sprung out of bed to answer it, my chest riddled with anxiety in hopes that it would be Cristo. Hoping he’d changed his mind and decided to stay.
Alas, disappointment ensued. It was Lyra.
“Are you all right?” my assistant asked on the phone, voice heavy and solemn.
Lilith only sighed, subdued and defeated, “Yeah, I’m…I’m all right.”
“Lilith,” Lyra said softly, “you know I can always tell when something is off.”
Tears welled up in my eyes as my heart clenched in my chest. I just felt so lonely. I knew I was numb but…the only time I seemed to feel anything at all was when Cristo was around. It was becoming obvious with each encounter and I hated how I felt without him.
Yet, it always hurt no matter where he was. It was all my fault.
“There’s something wrong with me.” I choked past the bile. “I’m all kinds of fucked up, Lyra. My head is a mess and I-I just can’t think right anymore. I haven’t been right in so…so long.”
I burst into full out sobbing as the weight in my chest exploded. Everything was heavy, tight, and burning. There was no good way to explain the searing stabs that sliced into my heart. At that moment, all I wanted to do was cut my heart out and throw it away.
I never wanted to feel anything ever again.
“Hey, hey,” Lyra tried gently even though I could tell she was panicked, “Should I come over? What do you need? Hey, talk to me. Get some water.”
“I don’t know anymore!” I wailed and pulled my knees to my chest, burying my face into it as my shoulders racked so hard I felt like my joints would pop out. My lungs felt so hollow and empty no matter how many breaths I took to fill them up. It wasn’t working.
Was I dying? I wanted to die.
“I’m coming right now,” Lyra asserted. “Sit tight.”
It didn’t take her more than ten minutes to reach my place, and I was still a sobbing mess. Wrapped in my sheets with mascara running down my face, I watched as a worried Lyra stepped cautiously into my room.
I would never want anyone to see me like this.
Lyra looked absolutely heartbroken. Although I knew it wasn’t pity, I still felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I started to cry again. It was absolutely uncontrollable and I wasn’t sure when I was going to run out of tears.
There were just so many of them. So many tears. Sticky, salty, and hot as droplets ran down my burning face. Lyra rushed over, grabbing a box of tissues from the vanity and climbing into bed with me. She looked at me apologetically as her fingers dabbed the tissue softly against my face.
Her voice was cautious, “Did Cristo do something?”
“It wasn’t him.” I shook my head. “It was all me, Lyra. I keep fucking up. All this trouble that I get into…I just can’t seem to catch my breath!”
“Do you need a vacation?” she suggested. “A long one. Six months. Leave everything to us and rest up.”
“Oh, no,” I said in alarm, breathing deeply to pull myself together. “I’m way too used to working constantly to really stop.”
“What do you think, then?” She tried to reason with me. “Lilith, you’re not a robot. You need rest. If not that, then you need help.”
“A therapist,” I said flatly. My response was so abrupt and Lyra had barely finished speaking. “I need a therapist. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I need help.”
There was a look of relief on her face as she nodded, understanding and not at all judgmental. It was as if she’d been waiting for me to bring this up for a long time.
“I know a few great ones who’ll take good care of you.” She said and picked up her phone, dialing immediately. “If you think you’re ready for this, then so be it. But will you please go back to sleep whilst I arrange everything? We have a lot to discuss when you’re a little more…stable.”
Nodding, I got up to go and shower so I could nap properly in comfortable attire. Truth be told, sleeping naked didn’t feel all that great.
Not whilst I was on my own, anyway.
I guess it was going to be that way for just a bit longer.