Chapter 8
The ratings for the show had come in by the time I got home and I felt slightly disappointed. Hugo had taken the win for this episode. I guess it couldn’t be helped, he was pretty unconventional after all. More so than the others. There were no excuses to be made, I’d been off my game ever since I’d found out about Rinka’s dilemma in the dressing room at the Nakamura house.
Sighing, I turned my phone off and got up to get ready for my appointment with Kathryn. I was looking forward to it, even though I had no idea what I would really say to her. I knew she would be digging deeper into my past, something about getting it off my chest seeing how I never talked with anyone about things that had happened to me. Truthfully, I felt nervous. For such a long time, I felt like a lot of my memories were either false or exaggerated. I was always told I was overreacting by everyone in my life at the time. I barely had any friends because of Mark, and my mother was of no help.
Would Kathryn believe anything I told her? Or would she diagnose me with something that revealed that I wasn’t right in the head?
Either way, you’ll be getting answers, I reminded myself. Agreeing to that notion, I pulled myself together and headed to Kathryn’s clinic.
She studied me carefully as I sat before her, legs crossed and hands clasped. My body was ramrod straight with nerves.
“You don’t quite trust me.” She noted and looked me in the eye. I blinked in confusion, not knowing what to say.
“Pardon?”
“I assess everything.” She explained. “It also includes your body language. You’re wrapped rather tightly, not relaxed. I don’t blame you. It’s your first proper session after all.”
“It might take me a little while.” I admitted weakly.
She nodded and took her glasses off, putting her tablet away. She leaned forward, elbows to knees and clasped her hands. “You’re not the only survivor of abuse that I’ve dealt with. A common concern I’m aware of is whether you’ll be believed or not.”
I remained silent, feeling like a deer caught in headlights. She’d read my mind, and I was only waiting for whatever more she could deduce. Is this how Rinka felt when I’d cornered her in my office?
“I want you to know that my job isn’t to judge the validity of the events, but to see how it’s affected you and help you cope with it.” She continued. “One of the troubles we face frequently isn’t the client remembering something wrong, but forgetting an incident all together because of how traumatic it was.”
I had that problem, forgetting things that he had done while I was still conscious. Never feeling like it was enough of a truth that he’d hurt me because so many bits and pieces were missing. How did I get to his place? In the basement? How did I get out? When did I end up there? It’s why I thought it was such a hassle to file police reports and do interviews with them. They demanded that I remember things that I couldn’t anymore.
My heart felt like it was swelling in my chest, growing larger until it pressed against my lungs.
“How do you feel right now?” Kathryn asked.
“I can’t breathe.”
“Anxious?”
“Perhaps.”
She cleared her throat and sat up straighter. “I’ll be demonstrating how to collect yourself in a situation where a panic attack or anxiety attack is expected. Can you follow my lead or would you like a small break before we continue?”
“I want to get through this.” I blurted out desperately. She nodded and began to instruct me on how to breathe.
The next hour was practically unreal. My whole life came out in a word vomit. There were a lot of things I couldn’t remember, but Kathryn assured me memory loss was very normal with trauma.
“In fact,” she tapped her tablet, “I’m sure the current regression in the quality of memory you’ve faced recently was an indicator that it was getting to be too much for you.”
“That makes sense, but will I be able to undo it?”
“Only time will tell, really.” She said. “You’ve been self-sabotaging for quite a while, even despite your financial success. I can’t blame you, but there’s ought to be at least one person in your life who intends to treat you well and yet you push them away on purpose.”
My heart caught up in my throat as Cristo immediately popped in my head. Kathryn must’ve seen the look on my face because she cocked her head to the side with interest. I sighed, knowing there was no getting out of this one. So I told her. Everything that there was to tell. And before I knew it, the tears welling up in my eyes were sliding down my cheeks.
“You know, I don’t even think it’s him wanting me that’s an issue, “I sobbed. “I think it’s just that…I won’t be able to return it emotionally, you know? I’m so numb. He’s going through so much and I don’t feel a speck of worry for him. I do care for him but I really don’t want to because I already know things will go wrong.”
Kathryn stared at me, somewhat pitiful but also very concerned.
“You have the worst case of cherophobia I’ve seen.”
“What?”
“I mean, it’s not something a lot of people take seriously.” She explained patiently. “I do believe it’s a serious issue that plagues a lot of people. Results from extreme anxiety. You’re afraid of happiness, not because things will go wrong, but because it’s such a foreign concept to you that it’s practically an enemy you don’t know well enough to navigate.”
“I-I know how to be happy.” I protested, although I sounded visibly offended.
“Only in moments.” She countered. “It isn’t something that lasts you past a few minutes at most. You lead a very intense life after all. Business and personal. Reaching tranquillity in such a state of chaos might…take a while.”
“How long are we talking?”
“Depends on you, really.” She said pointedly from behind her spectacles. “Are you willing to push yourself out of your comfort zone?”
I contemplated it in silence, my bottom lip chewed to shreds. Kathryn breathed deeply, trying to not be discouraging.
“We’ll work at your pace.” She guided gently. “The fact that you’re here after suffering so long is an achievement in itself.”
I nodded. “I’ll do what I can.”
I felt a lot lighter as Lyra drove me to the set. Too calm. I actually wanted to confront Lyra.
“You know we need to talk, right?” I glanced at her.
She sighed in acknowledgement. “Not while I’m driving, though.”
“So, you know there’s a conflict of interest.”
“I just want you to do well on this.” Lyra insisted. “This is a new domain. The show will help your business a lot.”
“What’s wrong with the business?” I protested. “We’re doing fine.”
“We’ve been stagnant for a good few years in profits,” she explained with clear frustration in her voice. “I hate to say it but Blair interfering with our work actually boosted your recognition and credibility world-wide. I know she hurt you but her plans backfired and things are finally starting to change around here.”
“Really now?” I rolled my eyes. “What comes after this?”
“You’re hopefully not going to take on clients anymore.” She announced. “This show will give you grounds for mentorship opportunities. More money with less work.”
I sat up straighter in my seat with a look of obvious shock on my face. “Lyra, what the hell?”
“What?” she snapped.
“You can’t decide that for me!”
“You’re not the one that looks at what’s happening to the company as a whole, Lilith.” She argued. “All you do is handle clients and paperwork. I’m the one that arranges meetings, PR, damage control and whatnot. I’m the one that looks through the stats and brings them to you. Record-keeping, policy updates, everything!”
“The company still belongs to me!”
“And I don’t want it ruined!” she yelled, swerving into a street and slamming on the brakes. Her eyes glared at me with anger. “You don’t even know a good thing when it falls right into your lap, do you?”
My jaw fell open, but the words cut deep. As much as I wanted to refute her, there was no argument for that.
She was right. I was too fucked up to recognise a good opportunity anymore. It wasn’t just hurting me, but everyone else around me. Lyra, Cristo, my employees.
What the hell was I doing?
It was hard to swallow my pride, seeing as how I didn’t appreciate Lyra being angry with me, but also that she was right to be. I should’ve been angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I hadn’t looked at the finances and client statistics in ages, or bothered to review the salaries in months.
“It’s unfair how you treat yourself, Lilith.” She continued to grumble. “You forget yourself and then forget us, too. Do you know how selfish that is? There are people who care about you if you’d just let them in. Let me do this for you.”
I breathed deeply and nodded. Lyra was right.
“Fine.” I sighed. “I’ll follow your lead.”
“Thank you.” She said and turned the car off. “Now, focus on today’s session and make sure your reviews are great.”
We walked into the studio where two laptops were hooked up to the cameras in our client’s interview rooms. Hugo and I would both assess how our clients responded to the shortlisted suitors in secrecy, and then give a verdict. After this, we’d only have one more episode to go and I could finally relax for real. Maybe I could head to Greece? Or would that be too much to hope for?
Cristo desperately needed a break from everything. Maybe even me and my stupidity. Just thinking about him made my heart heavy. I missed him. The firmness of his chest against my back, his warmth on my skin, the softness of his eyes when he looked at me.
He really cared for me so much and I’d just thrown it away. The only time I could have him was in my dreams and they didn’t occur often enough to satisfy me.
Focus, Lilith! I scolded myself and sat in front of the laptop. Pulling on the headphones connected to it, I got a run-down from the assistants on the day’s episode. I was glad there wasn’t going to be much walking around to do. Or talking. Or looking. Or dressing up.
Jesus, all right, I was nervous about Hugo coming in today. Why did I open my mouth yesterday at all? It was such a thoughtless thing to say out of nowhere. As confrontational as I felt, it was unnecessary. Hugo wasn’t a bad guy,he just knew how to push the wrong buttons. To him, they were probably the right ones, and I shouldn’t feel bad for someone who enjoyed my discomfort. But, in all honesty, he was one of the few people I was my pure unaltered self with.
Even if I was a bitch.
I have quite the talent of fucking up perfectly good things, don’t I? I sighed internally. A woman soon walked up to interrupt me out of my self-pity party.
“Lilith, it’s time for make-up.”
I nodded, “Sure. Lead the way.”
An hour later, I was in front of the camera as the director asked me to explain the basics of how I assessed a person’s behaviour during the interview.
“I usually have to watch the footage around two to three times to get the full picture.” I explained with my hands clasped. “The first watch will always be about the client. It usually determines whether the footage is worth a second watch. If I spot any signs of mismatch or discomfort from Rinka Nakamura’s side then the suitor is off the list. Body language plays a bigger role during this stage than anything else, so I will usually keep the volume muted to focus on that.”
“What if she likes someone and he doesn’t like her?”
“I wouldn’t force it, obviously.” I shrugged sadly. “It takes two to make a marriage work, you know?”
“Have there ever been instances where you don’t find a match for the client in the first session?”
I chuckled lightly, “Honestly? Three out of five times a client may need to return later. Rinka could be one of them, who knows?”
“Must be frustrating.”
“Would you rather your work fell apart within a few months?”
There was light laughter from behind the cameras.
“Exactly.” I continued. “I work to make sure these relationships last. And if not, they should be peaceful and amicable at the very least. It’s not just a question of shared values and interests, but how people physically respond to each other’s energies. I’m sure you’ve seen two people who shouldn’t possibly be together still make it through the worst of times.”
“The human heart works in mysterious ways, doesn’t it?” the director asked. I bit my lip as Cristo’s gentle and brooding face appeared in my mind. Maybe my feelings weren’t so mysterious anymore.
I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
“And I’m the detective.” I smiled. I kept smiling, eyes finding the camera as my cheeks strained, waiting for them to stop recording.
“Aaand cut.”
People were up and walking, a flurry of voices and colors as they prepared for Hugo and I’s clients to come in. The smile dropped off my face so quickly I thought my jaw would come loose. Lyra rushed over with a steaming cup of coffee that smelled absolutely heavenly in that moment, leading me out by the arm to the bathroom. I hoped it would be empty so I could recharge my tired soul in solitude.
By the time we made it to the bathroom, I was breathless. My heart was pounding and cold beads of sweat slid down my forehead.
“You’re not okay.” Lyra sounded panicked as she pulled tissues out of the dispenser and dampened them. She placed them on the back of my neck. It was cool and helped with the heat flushing around my face. “What on earth is going on?”
There was bile rising to the back of my throat and it was hard to speak. All I wanted was for Cristo to burst through the room and cradle my body in his arms. Make me feel safe.
“I don’t know.” I exhaled slowly, a light hiccup escaping my lips. That was a lie, obviously. I just couldn’t bear to really break down in front of Lyra when she’d worked so hard to get me all the way here to boost my business.
I couldn’t let her down. Perhaps it was too much pressure, but I needed to put up with it for just a little longer. Kathryn did say that things would get worse before they got better. Although…I didn’t count on being on the brink of a full on panic attack in the studio’s bathroom.
There was an urgent knock at the door. It sounded all too familiar, and my chest immediately filled with dread.
It was Hugo’s knock.
“Lilith?” he called. He sounded stern. “Hey, we need you out there. You need retouching for the next shot.
“Give me a second.” I called out to him, but it sounded weak. Lyra and I exchanged a look that conveyed curiosity on her part.
“There’s something you’re not telling me.” She whispered. I shook my head. I didn’t need Lyra to know about this, explaining my messy history with flings would be way too complicated. She sighed and furrowed her brows at me.
“Lilith?” Hugo asked cautiously. He sounded gentler, too. Maybe a little sorry.
“I’ll handle him.” I whispered to Lyra as I grabbed some more tissues from the dispenser. She threw a dubious glance my way, but nodded and opened the door to leave. Once the door closed behind her, I looked into the mirror and fixed myself up the best I could. A thin line of mascara lined under my eyes, but it wasn’t anything too dramatic. My eyes were still red and my face flushed hot, spotty even.
It wouldn’t be the first time he’d seen me like this anyway. All I hoped for was that we wouldn’t repeat the same mistake we’d made six years ago at the farewell party.
With a last huff for courage, I walked out of the bathroom. Hugo leaned against the wall across from the door, hands in his pockets and a desolate look in his eyes. With the side of his bottom lip pulled under his teeth and his loosened necktie, it was obvious he was just as nervous as I was.
“You were crying,” he said.
“Well, you don’t exactly look like you’ve got it together either, really.”
Hugo sighed and rubbed his face, straightening up and squaring his shoulders. “I think I’ve come to accept that being snarky is truly your core essence, so I’m going to put up with it because I have a proposal.”
“With no ring?” I smirked and crossed my arms. Hugo shot me an annoyed look, but the slight quirk of his lip gave away the smile he was trying to hold back. I wiggled my brows at him challengingly. He rolled his eyes, a smile finally breaking through his wannabe tough exterior. He really thought he was so mature, but it was the stupid things that set him off. I knew it well because my sense of humor wasn’t very different from his.
“Always make good use of context.” He relayed one of Mrs. Beaumont’s tips.
“Yeah, she stopped spouting that one about four years ago.”
“She’s too old to keep up with the times.” He shrugged. “Language in America changes as quickly as the weather back home.”
“I could say the same for you.”
His face grew stern, “Come on Lilith, that’s only because I’ve been worried about you.”
I only scoffed and rolled my eyes. As if, I thought to myself.
“It’s true.” He insisted, fist clenched. “I’ve seen the tabloids, you know? Anyone could tell you were being stalked. And, you know, what happened to you is normal for those who have reached their peak in the business.”
“What would you know, Hugo?” I said sarcastically. “It’s not like you’d have much to lose, coming from a rich family the way you do.”
“I love my work.” He stated coldly. “Frankly, it’s the only thing that matters so much to me so I would be absolutely devastated just as you were. Don’t try to downplay me to victimize yourself.”
“I am not victimizing myself!”
“And yet Lyra had to be the one to snatch up the opportunity to push you higher up the ladder and diversify your business Lilith. Not one word from you during this whole thing whilst I was in constant contact a good two weeks before filming even started.”
“Wow, of course.” I muttered under my breath. “I love how you imply I didn’t have anything else going on in my life.”
“It’s always about just you, isn’t it?” he sneered. “Lyra has been throwing up into a bag all day and she has to drop it the moment you start sobbing because you worked yourself too hard for the day!”
My jaw dropped at the revelation, at the same time, a large pang of guilt ripped through me. Lyra was sick? She didn’t look sick. How could I have missed such a thing? Was I really so self absorbed?
I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, falling back against the bathroom door and looking down at the ground. I felt ashamed. So ashamed and embarrassed by the way I’d been treating Lyra with such disregard whilst struggling to hold myself together for a few consecutive hours.
Today was a rollercoaster of self-accountability and I wasn’t enjoying it very much, but I guess I deserved it. I had to stop moping over the things that were happening to me and set aside proper time for them. I couldn’t use work as a distraction from my issues, I needed to dedicate my mind to it completely. What if Lyra got worse? I couldn’t work without her.
She cared about me so much and I had no idea what was going on in her life.
“Go and get ready.” Hugo scolded lightly. “Also…if you’ve got some time later, I really need to talk to you. It’s important and I think both of us could really benefit from it.”
“Drop by my place the evening before the next stage, then.” I responded quietly. There was no way I could stand being in public after this was done, with how easily I was losing energy and resolve these days.
Hugo looked relieved, almost grateful too. As he turned to walk away, he looked back and waited for me. I straightened up and let him lead the way, feeling a little better now that I could see that I wasn’t completely alone in everything going on around me.