Chapter 17

Hannah

I stood staring at the closed dressing room door, feeling dumbfounded. My thoughts were like marbles scattered on the floor. What happened? Why had he left? My face was hot as I scrambled to put on my sweatshirt, which Nikolai had dropped at my feet. My face burned in embarrassment at his sudden rejection. Did he find me unattractive? That seemed unlikely, because even though I was a virgin, I knew what a penis was and how it functioned, and I had felt his, bigger than I ever imagined, rubbing against me. It hadn’t seemed disinterested.
Maybe he was turned off by my lack of experience? I mean, he had to be used to girls who knew a lot more about sex than I did, which, admittedly, wasn’t saying much. What I’d done with Nikolai was pretty much it.
I reached up and felt my lips, warm and swollen, and realized I had a lot to process. My first kiss. My first…grope? Make out session? What did you even call it? Remembering Nikolai’s face as he looked at me, touched me, kissed me, gave me goose bumps. It was all so amazing—the feelings and sensations. I’d be walking on air if not for Nikolai storming out of here like he was leaving the scene of a crime.
I slowly gathered myself, finished dressing, and tried to figure out which clothes to keep. A part of me definitely wanted to keep the last outfit, considering the strong reaction Nikolai had to it. As I stood there trying to pick, Katya walked in with a look of confusion on her face.
"What did you do to Nikolai?" She then took in my appearance and asked, “What happened in here?”
"What are you talking about?" I asked cautiously.
"He walked out, told me to buy everything you had picked out and to drive you home. Then he ran out of here like he was on fire. Now I see you,” she said, gesturing to my face. “Your mouth swollen, your hair all messed up…what happened?" The rising volume of Katya’s voice indicated her suspicions about how Nikolai and I had spent our time in the changing room.
Feeling heat burning my cheeks, I quickly started gathering clothes. "Nothing. I don't know what's wrong with him." Katya stood there and stared at me while I manically folded a pair of discarded pants. She smirked at me knowingly, her hands on her dainty hips.
“What happened between you guys?" She held up her hand as I opened my mouth. "Before you lie to me again, I should tell you—you're a terrible liar. I can tell already something happened, so instead of us tediously going back and forth a million times, just tell me what happened."
I took a deep breath and plopped into a chair. "He kissed me."
Katya’s expression brightened as she clapped her hands and jumped up and down a few times. Her childish response made me crack a smile. “Oooh, I knew something was going on here! I love it. Tell me everything!” She then threw up her hands to silence me. “No, wait. Don't. Let's get all this shit wrapped up and you can tell me in the car. I have an appointment at 6."
"Wait, I can't get all of this stuff," I responded in shock, looking around at the massive mound of beautiful clothing.
Katya shot me a look filled with exasperation. "Of course, you can. In fact, it’s already been paid for, so let's get some bags and get the hell out of here."
"Who paid for it?" I don’t know why I asked. I already knew the answer.
Katya raised a perfectly arched brow and gave me another look that implied my brain was malfunctioning. "Who do you think?"
I was going to protest because the gift of these clothes was staggering. However, Katya had the demeanor of a drill sergeant, so I knew I would never win this battle. We gathered my purchases and walked out to the parking lot.
After pulling into traffic, she pinned me down with her insistent, golden-green gaze and demanded I give her the whole story.
I sighed and sat there for a second. I honestly hadn't even allowed myself to fully process what had happened in the dressing room, so retelling it to Katya felt incredibly overwhelming.
"I don't really know what happened. He walked in when I was half-dressed,” I began. Katya’s eyebrows jumped at that. “He knocked, and I thought it was you and told him to come in." Katya gasped in delight. She even clapped her hands again, silently this time.
I snorted and rolled my eyes at her enthusiasm.
"Go on," she urged.
"Well, I think he was going to apologize for being so obnoxious about my clothes, but then...." I trailed off, trying to remember the rapid sequence of events that led up to me pressed against a wall, half naked, being kissed over and over by the hottest guy I’d ever seen.
"Then...." Katya prompted impatiently, moving her hand in a get-on-with-it motion.
"I don't know, then suddenly we were kissing. Or he was kissing me. Then he pulled away, looked at me like he wanted to punch a hole in the wall, and stormed out."
"Huh," Katya responded, a small frown on her face, struggling to understand Nikolai’s confusing behavior.
Join the club.
As reluctant as I had been to share what happened with her, I was now getting desperate to hear her feedback. She knew Nikolai far better than I did. What the hell did his behavior mean?
"Well?" I finally prodded. "What do you think is going on with him?"
"Well, I get why he kissed you. I mean, he likes you, right? Why would he be doing all this stuff with the clothes and getting all jealous? I just don't get why he left so pissed." She turned forward and frowned in thought.
Okay, I’d been wondering what Katya knew about our arrangement. And now, I knew. Nothing. I had a dilemma before me. Did I tell her, and let one more person into this secret, or did I keep it to myself?
I wanted to confide in her. Katya had been amazing today. I’d never felt so at ease with someone I’d just met. She was nice, and friendly, and fun, and I didn't really have any friends. She’d also known Nikolai for a very long time and would be a valuable resource for information about him.
I realized that I was really no longer afraid of Nikolai. All the fear had now been transformed into infatuation, and I’d developed a crush of titanic proportions. Having an ally like Katya was appealing on many levels. It would be nice to have someone in which to confide all of these new and out-of-control feelings. That she knew Nikolai so well was an added bonus.
I sighed for the ninetieth time during this conversation. "Okay, I have to explain something about my and Nikolai's relationship." I launched into the entire story about Jeff, and how I had been trying to handle him for my entire high school existence. I explained how his behavior had been escalating, and that I was becoming afraid. I finished by explaining my proposal to Nikolai, and how he ultimately agreed to take care of it.
During this recitation, Katya had pulled into a Dunkin Donuts parking lot so she could devote her entire attention to staring at me in shock. Her face went through a series of dramatic expressions, from bugging her eyes to dropping her jaw to lifting her eyebrows to her hairline. At the end, she stared at me mutely.
"What?" I finally asked.
Katya looked ahead for a minute, then looked back at me. "First off, I want to say—fuck this Jeff Connors guy. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this, Hannah, seriously.” Katya touched my arm to convey her compassion. She was the best. “Now, as far as Nikolai is concerned—I’m just…surprised. He isn’t known as a nice guy. In fact, any friends of mine who have hooked up with him say he's a total asshole. He’s indifferent, emotionally closed off.” I felt an uncomfortable twinge of jealousy at hearing about the other girls he’d hooked up with. I mean, I knew they existed, but I sure didn’t want to hear about them.
"Well, he hasn't exactly been super friendly, Katya, even if he's helping me out. I mean, look how he acted today."
Katya shook her head emphatically. "No, Hannah, today he wasn't indifferent. He was possessive and controlling. Erratic. I know it's hard for you to see the difference, but there is one. I didn't think much of it at first, because I thought you guys were dating or he was into you, or something. Nikolai acting like that if he was your boyfriend makes sense. But, in the context of what you're describing…no."
"So, what do you think is going on?" I asked, hanging on the edge of my seat to hear her continuing analysis. Since my dealings with the opposite sex ran the gamut from disastrous to non-existent, I was totally perplexed.
Katya looked thoughtful. "I've never known Nikolai to have a girlfriend. That's why I was so intrigued by you. Now, I'm beginning to believe he might really be into you but does not like it. At all."
Great.