Chapter 46

Hannah

I blew out a breath, digesting Nikolai's need for violence. “Okay,” I said nodding my head. Nikolai had demons, obviously, and I was not going to banish them for him. Not today, at least.
“Can you accept that, Hannah? That there are things I need to do that you are not going to like, or even understand, can you deal with that?” The way he asked was challenging, yet also revealing hints of vulnerability. He was afraid I wasn’t going to accept him. Accept him, demons and all.
“Do any of these things involve sleeping with other girls?” I asked blankly.
Nikolai’s head jerked back, as if that idea had never occurred to him. “No, of course not.”
I nodded my head, thankful that was a boundary he was not challenging.
“Can we agree to maybe work on things? Maybe try to find different ways to deal with how you feel?” Nikolai’s expression started to shut down, so I quickly rushed out, “Not now, not today, but maybe eventually?”
Nikolai cocked his head to the side as if considering the ramifications of agreeing to my request. “Okay,” he agreed. “But later, definitely not now.”
I nodded my head, but internally I was wondering if I was settling. Should I be expecting more from him? Could he really ever change? I guess I’d find out. “Okay, later,” I said, as I grabbed his scraped hands, inspecting the damage he had inflicted upon them. As I looked up at him, those pale eyes stared at me speculatively, as if he were waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for me to reject him, reject his limitations. A part of me wondered if I should do just that, but another, larger part of me wasn’t ready to let him go.
However, there was one issue that was non-negotiable to me—communication. I cleared my throat awkwardly. “Um, Nikolai, there is one other thing.”
“What?” Nikolai asked cautiously.
I took a deep breath and stared him in the eye. “I know this is going to sound minor, and maybe silly to you, but… you can’t just blow me off when you’re upset. You can’t just freeze me out or not respond to my messages.” Unable to withstand the intensity of his steady, pale blue gaze, I looked down and started to peel nail polish off my fingernail as a distraction. “It’s not fair,” I murmured, and shot a quick glance at him to gauge his reaction. Would he consider this request unreasonable?
Nikolai rubbed one scraped-up hand down his face and took a deep breath. “I’ll be honest, Hannah, this is the kind of shit that made me avoid relationships.”
I almost gasped at the pain his statement caused me. If he wasn’t willing to do this, then this was it, because there was no compromising. It was about respect. Having dealt with him pulling away twice now, I wasn’t willing to do it again.
My thoughts must have been stamped on my face because Nikolai reached over and grabbed my hand.
“Wait, listen. That was the part I used to avoid the most—the responsibility, the expectations. I admit, when I’m pissed or stressed, I tend to disengage from everyone. It’s not easy to just switch gears when I’ve been doing this for years.” His expression softened, his eyes wandering over my tense features. “But you’re not just anyone, Hannah. I don’t like the idea of you wondering why I’m not texting you back, causing you to worry, making you sad,” he finished and squeezed my hand in silent apology.
“So…?” I prompted him.
He sighed again. It was obvious discussing anything related to his feelings was deeply uncomfortable. “Jesus, Hannah.”
I grinned a little at his obvious exasperation. I knew he wanted me to take what he had said as an apology, a promise to do better, but I wanted him to say it. I patiently waited, choosing to look over the bruised knuckles of the hand holding mine.
“Okay, Hannah, I get it,” he smiled ruefully. “Yes, I promise to communicate with you, even if I’m pissed off.” I grinned widely at his admission, feeling my shoulders sag in relief.
I smiled and looked down at his battered hand. “You know, Nikolai, if you keep using your hands to fight, it’s going to interfere with other, much more interesting activities.” Even though this was the boldest thing I had ever uttered, and I felt kind of silly flirting like this, Nikolai’s eyes immediately flashed with heat. He shot me a surprised smile, his shoulders now completely relaxed.
“If you think my hands are the most essential part of satisfying you, then I have a lot to teach you, Hannah,” Nikolai responded, his voice low and rumbly. I felt a shiver run up my spine at the thought of those lessons and smiled coyly back at him. How did we switch gears like this? When we sat down, he had been so distant, and I felt so angry and betrayed. Now, all the tension was gone, leaving only attraction and affection.
As if he had the same thought, he abruptly stood up and pulled me up from the picnic table and into his arms, clutching me in a crushing hug. I would have complained at the strength he was using, but I needed to feel his tight embrace, revel in the reassurance and security it created. He pulled back and held my face in his hands, his eyes open and warm now. He leaned in and gave me a sweet, deep kiss. He pulled back, looked at me once more, slung his arm over my shoulders and escorted me back to the cafeteria.