Chapter 33

Nikolai

I felt conflicted as I watched Hannah run into her house. Touching her body, kissing her, feeling her come like that lit me on fire. I had the unfortunate reminder of that pressing against the zipper of my jeans. Fuck, I wanted her. All of her innocent reactions, some of them surprising, almost had me coming in my pants.
Pulling back onto the road to make my way back home, I contemplated my whole attitude about relationships. I definitely understood why I have avoided them for so long. I had no interest in revealing myself to someone, sharing aspects of my past and my personality that expose my weaknesses. Yet, today, I found myself sharing information with Hannah that I had never shared with anyone. I mean, I spoke to her about my father, which was as off limits as it gets with me. I rarely even talked about him to Jack. Sure, Katya and I would talk sometimes, but our communication was mostly knowing looks about our fucked-up families and mutual avoidance of the whole subject. I still wasn’t sure Why I’d confided in Hannah.
The second reason I had avoided relationships was the hassle. I saw how relationships functioned, and all it has ever looked like was a leash around the neck. You have to check in all the time—you couldn’t just make plans, you needed to find out if it was okay for you to make plans. The idea of having to get fucking permission to do anything made my skin itch. Relationships felt like one big power trip. This was only reinforced when I would hang out with some girl who, after we slept together once or twice, would start ranting and raving about her expectations. It was such a turn off.
This fake relationship, which felt more real every minute, enlightened me to some aspects of dating I hadn’t understood. There was a power dynamic, but I didn’t realize how it felt to be on the side exerting the control. I had to admit it—I liked it. Taking care of Hannah, making her feel safe, being responsible for her, having access to her body... Being a part of her first kiss, first orgasm. I liked owning all of that, that it was mine. That, at this moment, she was mine.
But, fuck, even if I decided I did want to have a relationship, what the fuck kind of person drags someone, someone they supposedly liked, into the kind of drama that was associated with my family. If I indicated I had any real feelings for Hannah, I would be putting a target on her. Not necessarily to the organization’s enemies, but to my own father. I could very easily see him using her as leverage against me. My father was ruthless, and if he wanted me to do something, he would use anything at his disposal to make it happen.
As I pulled into my driveway, I realized I hadn’t come to any conclusions about Hannah. Did I like her enough to date her? Did I like her too much to potentially put her in harm’s way? I sat in my car for at least an hour trying to figure out the answer, but I never did, so I went in the house and went to bed.