Chapter 36

Nikolai

I felt like a dick.
I got out of my parked car and walked into school with every intention of avoiding Hannah. How hard could it be? I had barely noticed her for three years. She’d texted me on Saturday, but I ignored it. I’d had my hands full over the weekend anyway. Drago had new information to share about what was going on with my father, and how their plan was shaping up. It was hard to believe, but I was kind of grateful for the distraction.
I walked into the school only minutes before first period, trying to limit the possibility of running into Hannah. However, I turned down the hall to my locker and there she was at her own locker. I was about to turn around to take an alternate route when I noticed she wasn’t alone. Mike Kendall was standing there, leaning against the locker next to hers, talking to her, smiling at her, probably flirting with her.
Now, if I had been in my right mind, I would have let this continue. Maybe she liked the guy, and I wouldn’t have to deal with this situation anymore—I could just unload her on Kendall. I’d be able to go back to my usual way of doing things.
However, I wasn’t in my right mind. All thoughts of walking in the other direction were immediately abandoned for the far more critical task of getting Mike Kendall the fuck away from Hannah. I felt my fists clench as I made my way closer to them. She looked cute wearing another outfit bought with Katya: a dark blue shirt with a white and blue scarf and white, pencil style pants with blue vans. I could see why Kendall was checking her out, but I was about to shut that shit down.
I overheard Kendall talking as I walked up. “So, I guess Connors was busted for DUI on Friday night after Cassidy’s party. Drove right into a tree! He looks mangled and his dad is pissed—”
When I reached her, I put my hand around the back of her neck, leaned in and kissed her on the neck just above her scarf. “Hey, babe,” I interrupted casually.
Hannah stared at me dumbfounded. When I looked more closely at the side of her neck where I’d kissed her, I could see the top edge of the hickey I’d given her on Friday night. Just seeing my mark on her ramped up all these out-of-control instincts and my dick instantly hardened. I immediately turned my head to glare at Kendall, so he understood it was time to leave.
“Uh, hi, Nikolai,” Hannah stuttered, her confusion apparent.
Kendall, accurately reading my expression, gave Hannah a hasty goodbye. “Uh, good talking to you, Hannah. Maybe we can talk later?” he asked hopefully.
Did this motherfucker have a death wish?
“Hannah will be busy later. You need to go, Kendall,” I growled.
Kendall seemed to have used up all of his courage with that last suggestion, so he turned and hustled to class. I turned back to Hannah, whose expression of confusion had morphed into one of irritation. I couldn’t say it was a bad look on her. Her cheeks got all pink and her black brows pinched together over bright, blue eyes glittering with agitation as she moved her hands to her hips. “What the hell, Nikolai?” she demanded angrily.
I leaned my back against the wall of lockers, shrugged a little, and gave her a steady stare. I didn’t feel bad about getting rid of Kendall. I also came to the immediate realization that there was no way I could ignore Hannah. Not only did I truly like her, but the thought of any asshole in this school coming within ten feet of her made me feel violent.
“Well?” Hannah demanded when I didn’t respond.
“Well, what?”
Hannah rolled her eyes and sighed. “What gives with you stomping up to me, practically placing orange cones around me, and trying to intimidate Mike Kendall?”
“I didn’t try to intimidate him. I did intimidate him. Fortunately for him, he made the right decision by leaving. And if he was really smart, he wouldn’t try talking to you again.”
Hannah looked ready to explode. “Okay, look, first of all, I texted you and you never texted me back. I took that to mean you regretted what happened between us. If that’s the case, then you shouldn’t care who talks to me,” Hannah lectured, ticking off her points on her fingers, her face flushing in indignation. She was so fucking adorable. “In the second place, even if you were interested, which you’ve done a piss poor job of demonstrating considering your lack of communication, you cannot dictate who talks to me.” Her voice was steadily rising throughout her monologue, ending in a near yell.
This was the relationship shit I hated. I hated negotiating. However, I had to admit, forbidding her to talk to any other guys was kind of a fucked-up expectation on my part. Of course, that didn’t mean I was any less adamant about it.
“Look, Hannah, I’m sorry I didn’t contact you this weekend. There’s a lot going on with my family and I got distracted by all of that.” Hannah’s face instantly filled with compassion, and I felt like a fucking heel. While all that shit was true, that wasn’t the reason I hadn’t contacted her. I wasn’t a liar, so this put me in a fucked-up position. “Actually, no. That’s not it.” I blew out a breath. “I was…uneasy about what happened Friday night. I needed to distance myself from you. That’s why I didn’t contact you. Although, that family shit is all true, it wasn’t the whole reason you didn’t hear from me.” The compassion fell away from Hannah’s face, but her expression wasn’t angry anymore. It was disappointed.
“So, you were blowing me off?” Hannah tried to say this neutrally, but I could tell it hurt her feelings. Suddenly, the decision not to respond to her text felt ridiculous and juvenile.
“I’m not trying to make excuses, but, honestly, I’ve never had anything remotely resembling a relationship in my life.” I broke off eye contact briefly as I gathered my thoughts. “It feels…uncomfortable,” I finished, definitely not enjoying the territory I was moving in now—talking about my feelings.
Hannah sighed. “You know what, Nikolai? I want to be mad at you, I really do. I was sad and disappointed when you never responded to me.” Her face reflected every bit of that sadness and disappointment. It gave me the powerful urge to touch her, reach out for her hand, or something. “But what you’re saying makes sense. I mean, we are both kind of train wrecks at this. I’ve never had a relationship because of Jeff, and you’ve avoided them like the plague.”
No argument there.
Hannah continued, “So, what do we do?”
“What do you mean?” I replied, confused.
“I mean, do we even bother with this? Are you eventually going to pull away and I’m going to be heartbroken?” Hannah said this in a way that indicated she wanted me to argue with her, but maybe she was right.
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. Hannah deflated a bit more and moved her eyes down to my chest in contemplation of this stalemate. “But I will tell you this,” I continued, drawing her eyes back to my face. “I don’t think I can let you go right now, so we’re going to have to figure out a way to make this work.”
Hannah’s eyes opened widely in shock, obviously not expecting me to admit that. To be honest, I hadn’t expected it either. Then she jumped into my arms and hugged me, kissing my neck. My arms curled around her and I pulled her in tight to my chest, feeling a part of me relax at her touch, at the feel of her soft body against mine, and the scent of her shampoo in my nose.
She pulled back slightly and smiled. “I honestly can’t believe you said that.”
If that’s what she thought, then she had completely underestimated her appeal, because holding her again brought back all the longing and affection I’d felt on Friday night.
“Believe it.”